This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Monday, 31 October 2016

New faces at the Congregation for Divine Worship

Having sacked Cardinals Burke, Scola, Pell, Ouellet, Ranjith etc. from the Congregation for Divine Worship, Pope Francis has brought in some exciting new names, including a batch of Lay Cardinals, who truly reflect the progressive style of liturgy that the Holy Father wishes to see. It is said that Cardinal Sarah, who remains at the head of the CDW is "less than delighted", which is Vatican-speak for "is the pope out of his mind?"

Bosco the clown

Bosco the Clown.

Cardinal Bosco is not actually a Catholic - indeed he was brought up on the writings of Jack Chick - but hey, these days we need to be more ecumenical with the truth! This new appointment will certainly stress the important role that "clown masses" play in contemporary worship. As Latin is phased out and circus slang replaces it as the Church's official language, we expect Cardinal Bosco to be in the lead when it comes to dumbing down.


Cardinal Sir Paul Inwood.

Composer of the official Year of Mercy hymn In aeternum misericordia eius ch-ch, and its official arrangement for guitar, kazoo, Balinese nose-flute and a thousand press-ganged choristers, Cardinal Inwood is working on projects that are expected to startle the Catholic world. Out goes Gregorian Chant, and in come minimalist Taizé-style pastiches! When the current Year of Mercy ends and we move on to a Year of Chaos, Uncle Paul will be in the vanguard.

Piero Marini and Pope Benedict

Piero Marini doing the old custard-pie trick on Pope Benedict.

A disciple of Annibale Bugsbunni, the Freemason who brought so many new ideas into Catholic liturgy, Piero Marini is popularly supposed to have been appointed in mistake for Guido Marini, who is a thoroughly sensible person. His nomination has been universally greeted with cries of "Surely you're joking, Holy Father?"


Cardinal Pinocchio, master of ceremonies for puppet masses.

All right, Eccles, that's enough of that.


  1. The Pope and Circumstance Marches are being played in Sweden this very minute.

  2. Wonderful touch of class you have by putting me on your otherwise classless site. Nice touch. Might even bring in some real people, instead of your usual zombies. Keep up the good work.

    1. I needed a real dummy to start the piece off with, so naturally I thought of you, dear bruvver,

    2. Recently I have been called a deplorable person and now I'm a zombie?

  3. Funny, very funny. Had a good laugh this morning.

  4. Piero Marini has had a stroke. Unfortunately the revised form of Extreme Unction is now called Basting of Anonymous Christians. The Ghost of Bugnini has visited him with a warning.

  5. Francis quoting one of his new beatitudes from his new encyclical "Casues Laetitia" said "Blessed are the Cheesemakers."
    Audience : What's so special about the cheesemakers?
    Cardinal Kaspar: It's not meant to be taken literally. Obviously it refers to any manufacturers of dairy products.