The Book of Covidicus 17: The Sins of Hanoch

Continued from Chapter 16.

1. And now, Theophilus, I must break my rule of writing just one chapter for each month of these wondrous events: for in the sixth month of the second year there came a great shame upon the people of Bri-tain.

2. For Matthew of Hanoch, the trusted adviser of Bo-sis, was discovered in an amorous relation with a lady named Castel Sant'Angelo, who was not his wife.

The Sun shineth upon Matthew of Hanoch.

3. These deeds broke the great commandments, which Matthew had written out on stone tablets for all to obey on pain of death.

4. Thou shalt keep thy hands to thyself.

5. Thou shalt cover thy face at all times.

6. Thou shalt keep a distance of four cubits between thyself and any other person at all times.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery. (Deleted at the request of Bo-sis.)

Bo-sis receiveth the commandments.

8. And the people spake out with great wrath saying, "I wished to visit my aged grandmother, but she hath spent the last 15 months sitting in a pool of hand sanitizer, and I have not been able even to embrace her."

9. "However, Matthew of Hanoch is able to perform the ancient rituals known as Kan Oodle in the Corridors of Power. He must go!"

10. And the people recalled that at the time of Brexodus, when ten brave men had fought to take over from May-sis as leader, one of those great men had been Matthew of Hanoch (nul points).

The ten disciples of May-sis. All are pure save one alone.

11. "Blessed are we," they said, "for we might have chosen a leader who was a lecherous adulterer. But instead we chose Bo-sis."

12. Then the people recalled the story of Neil, son of Fergus, who had been cast into the outer darkness by Matthew of Hanoch because of his inappropriate use of models.

13. But Bo-sis replied "I have the greatest confidence in Matthew of Hanoch. For he is a master of confidence tricks."

14. So at last the people of Bri-tain spake out with one voice: "MATTHEW OF HANOCH MUST GO!"

15. So he did.

"Bless me, Father, for I have breached the guidance."

Continued in Chapter 18.

Offensive Page 3 to continue

After a few days in which it seemed that there would be no more offensive material on Page 3, the Tablet has indicated that it is reverting to its traditional layout. "If you did not have a Page 3 in last week's issue, then it was probably a printer's error," said a spokesman.

Catherine Pepinster interviews "Rhino", the last surviving Marx brother.

Page 3 of the Tablet has long come in for criticism by Catholics for its offensive nature, as indeed have most of the other pages. We remember that even the cryptic crossword was considered nasty. Clues such as:

1. Nice debt rearranged - how we hate him! (8) (Answer: Benedict), and
2. They mix no metaphor where the world's leading Catholic Professor is based! (10) (Answer: Roehampton) caused distress to many.

Curiously, there is still a wine column by N. O'Phile: is this still written by the great Kieran Conry? Well, why not?

Wine, women and song!

So what will we continue to see on Page 3 of your soaraway Pill? Well, probably more turgid drivel from the likes of Catherine Pepinster, Elena Curti, Tina Beattie, Christopher Lamb, Timothy Radcliffe, etc. However, they have been persuaded to keep their clothes on.

Indeed, we are unlikely to see any Page 3 lovelies in the Tablet. So no topless photos of Voluptuous Vera from Leeds (77), a keen ACTA member and admirer of Bishop Stock. Thank goodness.

Voluptuous Vera.

For those readers who wish to write their own Tablet articles, the way ahead is as follows:

1. Take a random comment by Pope Francis. This is easy as most of his comments are pretty random. But, for example, take his comment on women priests: "The Church has spoken and says no - that door is closed."

There are two doors to women's ordination at the rear of the plane...

2. Present this in Tabletese. Here is a suggestion:

IS FRANCIS ABOUT TO OPEN THE DOOR TO WOMEN'S ORDINATION?

Pope Francis has indicated that only one flimsy obstacle remains in the issue of Equal Ordination in the Catholic Church. Speaking to reporters, the Pope made a coded reference to Jesus's "Knock and it will be opened unto you" when he said that the door was closed to women's ordination. It is clear that the Holy Father is now as anxious as we are to ordain women to the priesthood, or indeed to let any woman who wishes ordain herself.

3. Send it to Catherine Pepinster and wait for a fat cheque.

"This must be OK. The Tablet said so."