Sunday at the Synod

We don't normally do two consecutive blog posts on the same subject, but as the only reliable (and saved) English-speaking reporter at the Synod in Rome, I have been asked to keep people up to date.

So, it is Sunday, and many of the cardinals, bishops and hangers-on decided to go to church. Last week, we had a real problem with the Gospel, and the bits about divorce being a bad thing were only just passed by a 2/3 majority; even then, Cardinal Kasper sat through the Gospel pulling faces and rolling his eyes.

Today's problematic reading was about the problems of excessive wealth, and as it happened we had Cardinal Marx preaching on this. The way he told it was: Remember that it is easier for a rich man to pass through the eye of a needle, than it is for a camel to, er...

...er, than it is for a camel to!* It seems that this is the version approved by the German Bishops' Conference.

*Epigram stolen from Rowan Williams Atkinson, I think.

"I'm not even going to try this needle trick."

Since Cardinal Baldisseri had removed all the Bibles, we were unable to check that these were actually the original words,

Earlier, there was an embarrassing scene at the Synod when Archbishop Paul-Andre Durocher of Gatineau spoke out, saying that the Synod should reflect on the possibility of ordaining women as deacons. Mutterings of "Isn't that the topic of next year's synod?" and "I think his personal organizer's on the blink" went round the room. He was eventually reminded why we were here, and other participants were advised that whingeing about the translations of the liturgy was also off-topic, and they'd have to continue saying "communion of the Holy Spirit" and "consubstantial" for another year or two.

"Hello, which synod is this, exactly?"

Finally, I noticed that I was being followed around by a burly-looking man called Tommy Rosica, who kept taking notes. I thought he was merely a journalist, but it turns out that he is also a Catholic priest in his spare time. So I went up to him and said "Morning, Father, I'm feeling particular saved this morning."

He replied, "Are you on Twitter? In that case, you're blocked!"

Apparently he offers the "block of Peace" to all who get in his way, much like the British politician George Galloway. These two spiritual giants should meet some time for a "Block thine enemies" session.

"Little does @pontifex know that I've just blocked him."

LATE NEWS. Cardinal Péter Erdő has been found bound and gagged in his bedroom, apparently to stop him from doing any more "Relatio" stuff. My Italian is a bit rusty, but the police say the prime suspect is a baldisseri, which my new friend Tommy Rosica tells me means "a bald man". But when they have their hats on, it's very hard to work out which of the cardinals is bald...