Damain, Datin and Dakwins

We had a short visitt from Damain Thopmson, who is finishin off his book about addictoin. He says dat it is a strange fing but he can't stop writin books. "I'll just do one more," he says, but den he finds dat he needs annuvver, and annuvver. De next one is gonna be de boigraphy of Joanne Hairy, a chap dat he reely admires.

Dat's de cosstume Damain wears in churhc, so dat de preist knows he gotta Ph.D. and a blogg of his own, and dont try bein clevver in his sermon.

Anyway, Damain was resaerchin a chapter on Innternet Addictoin, so we let him observe Anti Moly one evenin, as she picked up de gin bottle and started bloggin. We got de usaul cries of "Woful!", "Sockpoppet!" and "Dem muddlerators has deleted all my sutbly crafted insults again!" At about 3.30 a.m. Damain staggered out of de room, bleary-eyed.

"Is Anti goin to bed now?" I asked.

"Bed? Nope she says she's good for anuvver 2 hours yet," mumbled Damain, "but I finks I got enuogh materail for an entire chapter on addictoin, obsessoin and fannaticism."

---

My love-sick Anti Moly is gettin a bit anxiuos about Cradinal Pell, so I suggested dat we take her to a datin agency. Dey gave her a form askin her what kind of date she wanted, and she put "Cradinal," finkin of Cradinal Pell, aldough I dont spose dey has many cradinals singed up wiv de agenncy.

Dis is a pitcher of de big machine dey uses to help poeple find romanntic happinness, togevver wiv two satissfied cusstomers.

Dey scanned my Anti Moly and said "Eccles, dis relick you has bruoght in is about 100 years old, even if it seems much more decayed dan dat." Well, you has geussed it, dey misread Anti's rotten handwrittin and did crabon datin on her instead.

We is gonna have to take de direct appraoch and go to Sidney to find Cradinal Pell.

---

Little Markus de boy scuot keeps us up to date wiv de activvities of his Uncle Dakwins, and he burst into tears when he fuond out dat Dakwins was in prisson. He had attempted to arrest Farver Arfur, de preist in good stand-in, who was back in England, and goin aruond under de new allias of A.K.A. Givin such a silly name ("Ullo, I is Farver Aka"), Farver Arfur was easily located, but in de end dey arrested Dakwins for harrissin cosstume holly men in good stand-in. Here he is in goal.

Howevver, dere is a happy outcome, as far as little Markus is concerned. When he was in goal, Dakwins was visited by a pastor from de local Calumny Chappel, who put up de bale so dat Dakwins cuold be released.

Dis is de latest photto we has of Markus's uncle Dakwins. Perhaps after all he is gonna be saved.

Lookin after a boy scuot

De Flamfrowers Club, wot Anti Moly is a member of, telephonned us and said "Can you help us? We gotta very keen athiest kid here, whose uncle sent him from Enggland to braoden his educkatoin and keep him away from Cathlics. Has you got any room in your huose to put him up for a few days?"

"Yup, I spose so," said Anti Moly. "Dere's only my stuppid nehpew Eccles stayin here at present, and he sleeps in a dog kenell in de garden."

I dont fink my Anti Moly was bein very nice to her darlin nehpew, and we doesnt need anuvver unsaved pusson in de huose, but anyways, de kid came round to stay wiv us.

Dat's a photto of me, Eccles, and de kid, who is called Markus "Bluebottle" Enstein, his uncle is de famuous proffesor Dakwins, wot has got his own blogg like me, it's called we.worshipps.dakwins.com. Dey has now got a hard-hittin campaing goin on called "OUT" wiv clever sloggans like "It's a wash OUT," "We's been cauhgt OUT," and "I'm a drop OUT."

Little Markus pruodly showed me a photto of his uncle, dressed in de academick dress of Oxford Univeristy, where he is de proffesor of knowin a lot about everyfink.

Anti Moly aint bein a grate deal of help in lookin after little Markus (I dont fink dat 11-year-old kids orta stay up until 5 a.m., and den be givven gin on dere brekfast serials) so I has been keepin an eye on him. Markus said dat one fing he's been told to do while he's in Pottymouth is to join de boy scuot troop and convert dem all to athiesm.

"Has you got a woggle?" I asked Markus.
"Nope, Eggles," he repplied, "I just walks dis way cos I has a blister on my foot."

Markus aint very good wiv names, he calls me Eggles, and my dere sennile rellative is Anti Moley. Dere aint a boy scuot bagde for gettin people's names rihgt, but he when he was in Oxford he won bagdes for "Brakin wind in a Cathlic churhc," "Makin faces at de Pop" (on tellevisoin) and "Writin a powerfull and hard-hittin contributoin to de we.worshipps.dakwins.com blogg sayin dat all Cathlic preists is pevrets." Did I mentoin dat Uncle Dakwins is de scuot master and decides wot bagdes dey gives out?

Well, Anti is gettin restless. When she aint screemin at de Interrnet, she been passin de time by watchin tellevisoin and goin "ROFL" at pitchers of car crashes and poeple bein injurred in earthqaukes. It's good to have a hobby.

But I fink dat my Anti Moly is soon gonna want to go and look for Cradinal Pell, I fuond dis card lyin on de table, so maybe she is preparin to suprise him on Vallentin's Day.

Austriala Day

We is cellebratin Austriala Day now, de day when de Brittish first started sendin Anti Moly's ancesstors to Bottany Bay. In fact, dey sent off about 700 poeple at once, as it seemed best to expel de whole village of Lower Collyer where Moly's fambly lived. Dis was cos de poeple of Upper Collyer complaned about de "lewd and sinnful nieghbors we got, wot keeps robbin us blind, and murderin us in our beds, so dat we is pretty fed up wiv it by now."

Dis shows de sort of village scene in Upper Collyer wot was makin poeple feel fed up and finkin dat life was a bit too excittin wiv Moly's fambly aruond.

Of course de aborriginals is less enthusiastic about dis invasoin, dey has a leggend dat de great God Goolagong sent de people of Lower Collyer to dem as a punnishment for dere sins.

Anti Moly bein a culltured pusson, like all Austrialans except Rolf Harrass, was offering to run an Arts Festivall in beuatiful Pottymouth as part of de cellebratoins. Dis was gonna feature:

* Music, a performance of Zellenka's Missa Wofulla, which most definatly aint a Cathlic Mass (unless it's one of dem libberal masses wot some Cathlics like).

* Art, an exhibitoin of paintings of Cradinal Pell. Dis is one dat was done by Andy Warhole, as a pressent for Anti Moly, and she wanted to lend it to de exhibitoin.

* Dance, a new ballet called Yakkety-Sax. Dis is all about ladies chasin after someone wot looks a little bit like Cradinal Pell, but Anti says it comes from her favorite tellevisoin program, Benny Hill, and dat she aint one of de ladies.

* Litterature, Anti Moly readin out extracts from a good book. I asked my Anti what her favourite book was, and she said "It's dis one, it's all abuot me, and I has got de only coppy in de world."

Howevver, de Pottymouth authorrities has turned down Anti Moly's plans for an Arts Festivall, and dey is gonna cellebrate Austriala Day in de tradditoinal manner, wiv lots of drink. Dere is only one word for dis - WOFUL.

The secret life of Anti Moly

Dis aint my usual blogg, a nice man called James Thurber has sent me a story.

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Anti Moly was walkin frew de streets of Pottymouth wiv her nehpew Eccles. As dey passed a gruop of old ladies chattin, Eccles heard one of dem say "Dat's old Moly walkin' past. Did you ever hear tell of her grandfarver, de biggest roggue in Pottymouth wot was never hung?"...

It was 1890, and "Ned" Haddock, self-educated sheep-shearer, brain surgeon, miner and rocket scientist was retiring from the position of King, Supreme Warlord and Honorary God of Easter Island. "Don't leave us, great Lord!" said his Prime Minister. "All we will have is a few statues to remember you by..."

Anti Moly shook off dis reverrie and sang a few sad bars of "Waltzing Mattilda" to herself. A window openned above her, dere was a cry of "I'll skin dat bloody cat!" and a bukcet of dirty water was tiped over her...

It was the Last Night of Molybdenite's six-month season at the Pottymouth Promenade Concerts. Little Moly, only 6 years old, had played virtuoso piano music by Beethoven, Liszt, and Rachmaninov - striking the keys with her feet in order to make it even more challenging. She had also conducted three new didgeridoo concertos of her own composition, and then sung tragic Australian ballads for a further six hours, until there wasn't a dry eye in the house. The audience went crazy, waving flags and cheering...

As Moly's day dreem ended, she carried on wiv her walk, and approached an affleunt-looking busnessman walking wiv his wife. He dived into a nearby shop enntrance, draggin his wife after him, and mutterin "It's that dreddful woman wot used to be a cleener in our facktory. I hope she aint seen us."...

The first ever female chief executive of the Pottymouth Molybdenite Corporation was presenting the accounts to the share-holders' meeting. "Thanks to a new process I discovered for extracting molybdenite ore, six new processes for transforming it into valuable raw materials, and fifteen new electronic devices that I invented which only function thanks to our products, I am happy to say that this year our profits were slightly in excess of the Gross Domestic Product of Germany." There was a rapturous ovation, as she pulled back a curtain to show them the company's assets...

Moly and Eccles came back home, where a baby possum was jumpin up and down on de roof. "You orta do somefink about dat, Anti," said her loyyal nehpew...

"Crocodile" Moly, the legendary big game huntress, was facing her most difficult challenge yet. Ahead of her lay a river containing six crocodiles, behind her a pack of dingos, to her left a herd of ravenous wallabies, and to her right an army of traddy Catholic sockpuppets. Armed only with a pea-shooter and a water-pistol, would she ever escape alive?

Flamfrowers

Since de news is out dat my Anti Moly is a member of a secret soceity called de Flamfrowers, I fink I needs to give some detales.

I was admirin de fambly snapshots in my Anti Moly's sittin room, when I saw dis one on de wall, and asked her wot it was.

"Is dat a pantommime, Anti Moly?" I asked. "I remember dat you was grate as de comic Anti Haddach in de Nattivity play we did wiv Bosco. Indeed, de Lake Hellsinus Gazette said 'De old bat wiv de drink probblem providded an unusaul comick interlud in a normally seriuos play. Howevver, some says dat her cries of "He's behind you!" when King Horrid was lookin for de Baby Jessus was a departure from de true Bibblical text.'"

"No, Eccles, dat pitcher show my initiatoin ceremonny for de Flamthrowers. I was givven de secret codname of Collyer, and swore some frihgtful vows. Den we all danced nakid ruond a billaboing by de lihgt of de full moon. Dere was a jolly swagman camped dere, and I asked him for de last waltz but he stopped bein jolly and jumped into de billaboing instedd. Woeful."

Anti Moly explaned dat de Flamfrowers has assinged her to Damain Thopmson's blogg (along wiv someone called Phollus wot runs a shellfish restuarant in South Amerrica) in order to insullt and persecute de Cathlics dere. She does it so sutbly dat most poeple hasnt even noticed.

Still, whenever a seriuos discussion looks like brakin out Anti Moly is dere to disrupt it wiv insults and aneckdotes about how she gave sevveral brillaint sceintists dere best ideas. For example, Stephen Hakwing was gonna studdy Green Holes until Anti Moly told him dat Black Holes was gonna be more impotrant.

Dis pitcher needs explanin, it's Anti Moly askin Hakwing to externimate de Pop wiv his Dallek gun, like dey does on Dr Who. But de Pop jumped nibmly to one side and escapped by de ventillatoin system.

---

Well we has been in luvvly Pottymouth 3 or 4 days, and so I went into de street to see whevver I cuold save a few poeple. My normal openin gambitt is "Ullo, bruvver (or sister). Is you saved?"

Some of de repplies I got so far is:

"You've got a few roos loose in the top paddock, cobber."
"Oh, pull your lip over your head and swallow!"
"If your I.Q. were 2 points higher it would be the same as a bloody stone."

Anti Moly was wiv me, and she also got some freindly comments:

"Cor, she's as ugly as a mud fence in a rainstorm."
"Who's the sheila with a face like a smashed crab?"
"Blimey, she's got a head like a half-eaten pastie."

I wuoldn't mind so much, but I got all dem comments from Cathlic preists, monks and nunns. Dey aint ashammed to say wot dey fink, is dey?

Anti Moly's birfday

My Anti Moly has had an important birfday. I aint supposed to say which one it is, but she got tellegrams from the Queen, de Govenror-Generall, Dame Edna Everage, Rolf Harrass, and Shane Worn, dat aint bad since de only one on de list wot knows her is Rolf. De tellegram from Cradinal Pell must have got lost in de post.

De Queen forgot to fill in de date, I expect she was too busy.

"Eccles, we is goin out for a cellebratoin, and I is gonna show you de best Austrialan ciusine," said my dere Anti. So she booked us a table at de leadin Pottymouth restaurant, "Maisson Boomerang," so called because your food usaully comes back again a few hours later.

Anti Moly had a luvly twelve-course meal of kangaroo suop, fried oppossum, wallabby stew, roast wombat, koalla bear pie, emu curry, haddock, crockodile, giant barracuda and many other dellicacies washed down wiv gallons of gin. For me she chose de "bush ticker" optoin, of live witchetty grubbs, spiders, weevils, mouse tales, etc. washed down wiv staggnant water fresh from de billaboing. She spoils me, she really does, and it makes up for de dog food and bons dat she gave me when I first got here.

Den we sang tradditoinal Austrialan songs, like "Waltzin MacKillop," "Tie me sockpuppets down, sport," and "De Cradinal wot loved me" (dat's a new one I didn't know) until dey frew us out into de street.

After dis grate feast we is both feelin a little ill, I cant fink why.

Lotsa news items

Well we got to Anti Moly's home in Austriala, where we is stayin for a while before we goes to look for Cradinal Pell. For de first time, I can show Anti Moly's many admirrers a pitcher of her standin by her Pottymouth home.

My dere Anti showed me a wooden challet in de gardden where I is gonna sleep.

Fiddo is Lattin for "faithfull," and she told me she wrote it on de challet in case de Angle of de Lord drops by lookin for saved pussons. Dere is snakes and spidders in de gardden, but Anti told me it was OK if I didn't keep dem awake wiv my snorin'. Reassured by dis, I has been sleepin a lot as I was quite jetlogged.

---

We got news from my bruvver Bosco, who we last saw sittin on a pole. De nuns at our local convent was feelin a bit short-staffed as some of dem had been eaten by crockodiles, so dey has appointed Bosco as a securitty gaurd. He says dat bein on de inside is de only way dat he can save dese nuns, so I wonder if he is gonna be dressin like a nun in future so as to blend in?

If you ever sees a very plane-lookin nun, try sayin "Ullo Bosco" to her, cos she may be my big bruvver.

Crockodiles is a well-known hazzard in de Cathlic churhc. Here is a pitcher of one of Richard Dakwins's freinds tryin to kill de Pop wiv one.

We aint got any more phottos, but it seems dat de Pop managed to wrestle dis fearsome beast into submission before it cuold bite his leg off. Anti Moly was disappointed and she said "Dat yuong man must have amazin strenght."

---

I heard dat Archbishopp Vincent Nicolas, who is de English top cosstume hollyman, is very disappointed dat he aint become a Cradinal yet, wiv a red fish hat. Someone sent me dis photto which suggests dat he is keepin his optoins open, and maybe lookin for a new career runnin a restuarant.

In de Cathlic churhc if de Pop don't like your face, den you gotta get out before he sends de Inquisitoin ruond to beat you up. Everryone knows dat.

We goes to Austriala

We got a letter from de Austrialan govermnent, sayin dat Anti Moly is allowed to go back dere wivvout bein locked up, providded dat a responsibble person come wiv her to keep an eye on her. Dat's grate news, as Anti wants to go lookin for Cradinal Pell, wot used to be sweet on her before he became a cosstume holly man.

Bosco is still sittin on a pole medditatin about how he is de only saved pusson in Callifornia, so Anti have persauded me to go wiv her. De call of love is strong, and Cradinal Pell gonna have a nice surprise.

Anti Moly's eyes filled with nostallgic tears, as she showed me a postcard of her home town, where we is goin.

We has had to buy 3 seats on de aeroplain, as Anti wants to take her iddle of St Cuttley wiv her. She says dat she prefers talkin to de iddle and not me, as de iddle don't answer back (dem's creul words, Anti). But I doesn't know how she is gonna survive a long flihgt wivvout interrnet access, she will miss all de excitin debaits on Damain's blogg.

Dere was also de probblem of what to do wiv de 4 crockodiles dat Anti buoght recently as part of her campaing to be poppular. When Didgeridoo Airlines told us dat crockodiles wasnt allowed in de aeroplain wiv her, we went round to de local Cathlic convent and dropped em all down de chimney of de Muvver Superoir. Here is one of dem peerin out frew a window of de convent, sayin to itself in crockodile, "My, dat was a most deliciuos nun! Wot's for puddin?"

At de airport securitty, Anti Moly had grate probblems, as dey wuoldn't let her take six bottles of gin onto de aeroplain as hand lugage, and she screemed at dem when dey made her go frew a specail x-ray. Here is de luvvly x-ray photto dey took of my dere Anti gettin cross. She is sayin "Woeful", perhaps I orta add a speech bubble.

So here we is waitin to board de plain for Austriala, where excittin adventures beckons. I was askin Anti if she was gonna introdduce me to her Austrialan freinds, and she said "I aint got any freinds, I hates dem all! But I has got some ennemies who aint too bad, I suppose."

Anyways, I hopes dere is a Calumny Chappel in Pottymouth, cos I is a saved pusson,and bessides, I is gonna need to stock up on cemment doves.

Cuttley takes charge

We has had a very excittin day, as de famuous cellebritty novellist Cuttley came to Lost Angels to sing copies of his grate postmoddern novel, "Thopmson takes charge".

We saw an advert in de local paper sayin dat Cuttley was commin, and advertisin "FREE POT. CANNAPIS FOR EVERY CUSSTOMER". Dey is very fond of Cannapis ruond here, as Damain Thopmson knows, cos he came here last summer to resaerch it.

Anti Moly was very excitted dat de pius saintly pollite culltured devuot and courteuos St Cuttley was commin (she has got a statue of him dat she kisses reggularly). "I gonna get a relick of him," she said, packin her scissors (to cut a lock of hare, or maybe to give him a manic-cure) and a chane saw in case she cuold get a finger or a toe that Cuttley weren't partticularly needin dat day. Dis is a probblem dat saints has, peoples is allways choppin bits off you for souvennirs.

I asked Anti whether Cuttley was gonna be like Tom Jonnes, wiv lotsa excited girls frowing dere underwares at him. "Nope, I is savin dat for when Cradinal Pell comes," she repplied. A lucky escape for Cuttley, I finks.

Dat's Cuttley on his way to de bookshopp in a Cuttleymobile, to protect him from Anti Moly and other fans.

When we got to de bookshopp, dere was a band playin de music "Hale de conqeuring herro comes!" Dis Cuttley chap was very civillised and offered us a glass of Taylor's Vinttage Pot, apparrently it's a drink, and de Cannapies is a sorta little bits of food. Anti Moly got out her chane saw, ready to take some rellics, but Cuttley pollitely declined to cooperrate. "Sorry if I is bein rude to you," he said to Anti Moly, "but I is needin all my bons at de moment. Wuold you like a lock of my hare instedd? I hope I aint bein too discourteuos and outspokken here."

Dis is a pitcher of Cuttley after Anti Moly had finished takin a few locks of his hare. She also got his shirt, but I aint gonna show dat on dis blogg. Dis Cuttley chap he is a laywer, so he can wear a wigg to hide his bladness in court. I fink de jugde aint gonna be so happy if he dont have a shirt on, so I hopes he gotta spare one in his extenssive wardrob.

Anyways, a good time was had by all, and Anti Moly has forgivven Cuttley for an accidental resemblence between her and de gin-sodden Mattron in de book. I expect it was a coincidennce.

How to be poppular

Anti Moly was feelin a little unhappy todday, I cuold tell by de way she burst into tears after tippin her bowl of cronflakes over me (I had forgotten to add de gin). It turns out dat she is upset cos she gets de impressoin dat she aint a poppular pusson.

"Dere is poeple on Damain's blogg who allways gits dere comments reccommended by de traddy Cathlic sockpoppet clique," she told me, "and de ones dat gets de most reccommends is de ones dat is nasty about me."

One of de poeple she is jeallous of is a chap in Spane. "He got 4 donkeys," said Anti Moly. "I is gonna outwit him by gittin 5 donkeys and writin a luvvly blogg about dem." Dis is a pitcher of Anti Moly havvin a test drive on a donkey. De poor donkey aint very happy wiv de load.

So we decidded to go for somefink else, and Anti Moly remembered dat when she was a child she pestered her parents to give her a pet crockodile.
"But aint de savage temper and de viscous teeth gonna cuase probblems?" asked her Mom.
"Dey alreddy does," said Moly's Dad, "but I expect dat crockodiles can defend demselves against our Moly OK."

So little Moly got a pet crockodile, or maybe it was an alligattor.

Nowadays de viscous teeth aint a probblem, except when she leaves dem on a chair and we sits on em by mistake. Bosco used to be fond of sayin "Bite me!" until dat happenned.

So, in her old age, Anti Moly is lookin forward to gettin 4 crockodiles, and takin dem to town to help carry home de shoppin. She is gonna make videoes of dem dancin, and put dem on her blogg, as well as on Youtub. It's a pity she is too late for Chritsmas, or she could have given de crockodiles red Farver Chritsmas hats.

I gotta admitt dat red hats is a sore point wiv Anti Moly, at pressent, as Cradinal Pell is still refussin to reply to her letters and e-males, or even to admit dat he was ever sweet on her. Perhaps we can get de crocks to wear black Farver Arfur hats (dey is called berettas), so dat dey can be crockodiles in good stand-in.

So I fink dat Anti Moly has cracked de probblem of how to be a poppular pusson wiv an excitin blogg. Dis puts her in good companny wiv me, Bosco, rabit, St Cuttley (de one who writes a blogg sayin how horrid his kids is), and dem Pure Traddy Cathlics wot aint saved.

Now we is wonderin whevver we can do somefink to make Farver Arfur poppular. Arfur is seen above givvin de last rights to someone - dis is what Cathlic cosstume holly men does to make sure dat poeple knows when de Pop wants dem to die. After Farver Arfur started readin out a list of all his worst sins, de chap in the photto said dat Death wuold come as a mercifull releese.

Opeless Dei

We has had a lotta trubble from Farver Arfur lately, cos de Pop have turned down his applicatoin to run a private branch of de Inquisitoin. Arfur wanted to move away from traddy ideas about forgivvin sinners, and settle down to a bit of torcherin instead. So he is furrious dat de Pop is talkin about luvvin your nieghbor, a traddy practise wot was outlawed by Vattican II (I fink dat's de name of de Pop wot did it).

Dis week Farver Arfur was givven de job of hearin a little girl's confessoin. "Mom said I was very nuaghty and stayed in bed cuddlin my teddy bear," said dis Sattanic kiddie. Farver Arfur was very angry. "You is an evil sinner wot is surely gonna go to Hell for dat," he told de little girl, "so I is confiscatin your teddy bear and burnin it."

Three cheers for Farver Arfur, he is sure is good at condenming iddles.

As a result of dis firm stand on mortal sins, Damain Thopmson telephonned Arfur to say dat he shuold join Opeless Dei. Dis aint to be confussed wiv Opuss Dei, wot is de one wiv de albinno monks in De Vinchi Cod. Nor is it rellated to Opus Sum, which is a club for poeple like my Anti Moly wot likes eating Austrialan marsuppials. Nope, Opeless Dei is a soceity for Cathlics wot is otherwise unemployyable. Dat's why Damain suggestted it as a way of keepin Farver Arfur off de streets.

Dat's Farver Arfur just after dey told him de news dat he was elligible to join Opeless Dei. He's been for a swim, dat's why he aint dressed as a cosstume holly man rihgt now.

We has found out dat Opeless Dei is very keen on flagulation, which means dat Arfur still gets to whip poeple if he finks dey has sinned against de Catacoms of de Churhc. Perhapps he have finally fuond his true vocatoin.

---

My bruvver Bosco (Pop Bozodict) has decidded to go on a retreet, dat is why you aint heard anyfink from him lately. He went into de wilderness (Lost Angels) and he is now on top of a pole medditatin like St Simon Skylights.

So far he aint come up wiv any profound medditatoins, he just shouts "You aint saved like me, stupid" at de passers-by in de street. If he comes up wiv any more wise sayings, I will let you know.

Not to be outdone, Anti Moly started tellin me dat she used to be a pole dancer when she was young. I fink dis story needs to be told some uvver time.

New Year

Well a happy new year to everrybody from us in de Calumny Chappel wot is saved.

I asked Farver Arfur, our visitin preist, what new year revolutions he was gonna make and he got furiuos wiv me. "At 23.21 on December 31st you asked me what new year revolutions I was makin. I see dat you was implying dat my condduct is in some way less dan perfect. Insultin a preist in good stand-in like dat is a gross breech of Catacom Nubmer 2477 of de Cathlic Churhc, and we gonna have to punnish you. Does you want to be executted or burnt at de steak?"

Well I aint a Cathlic, so Farver Arfur aint got de morral high gruond here, and he had to give up de idea of testin out de new ax what he was givven for Chritsmas.

So I asked de same quetsion of Anti Moly, and she gave me a strange repply, viz. "Yer heid's fou o mince. So why wiz awa' an bile yer heid red carded?" Sometimes she finks she got Scotch ancesstry - she says she is rellated to sevveral clans, such as de Bells, de Dewars, de Famuos Gruose, de Glenfidditch and de Macalan. Dis belieif comes on specailly at de start of de year, cos she can cellebrate Hoggmany, which is when Scotch poeple goes to sleep for a week.

Of cuorse de Austrialans has also got a good tradditoin of makin whisky, dey got names like Wallabby's Armpit, Glen Didgeridoo and Pottymouth Hag Distillery.

Eventaully we persauded Anti Moly to make a new year revolution, to be nice to everryone. "You is right, Eccles, you nubmskull," she said. "From now on I aint gonna call poeple woeful traddy Cathlic sockpoppets, or at least not more than twenty times a day." Well, it's a start, I suppose.

We aint heard much from my bruvver Bosco (Pop Bozodict) lately. He had some trubble writtin a pappal bull what didnt want to be written, and is now restin for a while.

We finks it may be one of dem Cyberbulls wot we is allways bein warned abuot.