Pope says Catholics should apologise to the Jesuits

In his latest aeroplane conversations, Pope Francis was asked whether he agreed with Cardinal "Rhino" Marx's recent suggestion that the Catholic Church should apologise to Jesuits. As an SJ himself, Pope Francis agreed that Jesuits should not be discriminated against, but should be respected and accompanied pastorally.

"Rhino" Marx: "The Church has been very negative about Jesuits".

The Catechism of the Catholic Church teaches that being of an SJ orientation is not in itself sinful, but acts of a Jesuitical nature (e.g. dishonesty, distorting Church teaching, going around with a silly smug grin on one's face, and other things not suitable for a family blog) are indeed considered sinful;. Accordingly, SJs who happen to be Catholic should try to abstain from such acts. We recall Pope Francis's earlier words "If a Jesuit is genuinely seeking God, then who am I to judge?"

Showing mercy to Fr James Martin S.J.

But now the Holy Father has now gone further, and insisted that the Catholic Church should apologise to the SJ Community for any offence it has given over the years. This has not gone down well with the more traditional commentators, many of whom regard Jesuitism as a lifestyle choice (and are shocked by "SJ" marches), rather than something intrinsic.

Fr Thomas Reese SJ gives offence by participating in an SJ event.

Many Catholics point to the Bible, quoting phrases such as "brood of vipers" and "whited sepulchres", which are traditionally held to refer to people of an SJ orientation. (St Paul is even ruder...) However, in this year of Mercy we should try and forget these uncomfortable words, says Pope Francis, knowing that Christ Himself would have been horrified to think that He was causing a minute's offence to anyone.

John the Baptist apologises to Salome for his rudeness.

The Book of Brexodus, Chapter 6

Continued from Chapter 5.

1. So the children of Britain came finally to vote on whether they should remain in the land of EUgypt.

2. And half of them said "stay", and half said "go", but slightly more said "go". So it was decided that the people should leave the courts of Juncker.

3. And Cam-aaron was exceedingly grieved, and said "Alas, I cannot take you into the wilderness: I shall resign my position as High Priest, and eke out a humble existence advising the rich and powerful, eating massive dinners, and giving speeches to those who can afford me."

4. For this had earlier been done by the great warlord Blair, he who had conquered the lands of Mesopotamia, at least briefly.

Cam-aaron and his handmaiden prepare for a life of riches.

5. However, many of those who had voted to remain in the courts of Juncker the Pharaoh lamented in deep distress: indeed they wept for several days, refusing to be comforted.

6. Some spake out with a voice of wrath, saying "We must vote again, as the common people have given us the wrong answer." And others, more gentle, suggested, "Er, best of three?"

7. Said one man: "It is mostly the fault of the aged men, who voted to leave. For, as it is written, God giveth wisdom to the young man, and folly to the old."

8. Said another: "Indeed, my son is sore distressed that he could not vote. He is only two but he hath a mighty grasp of the issues."

Disenfranchised.

9. Next, a great petition was born, with ten thousand times ten thousand signatures, mostly in the names of the puppets that are called Sock.

10. And others, who had earlier voted to leave, spake out, saying "I knew not that I was voting to leave. For I thought that I had entered my name into a prize draw, that I might win a camel or at least a box of dates."

11. Then another man, whose name was Lammy, which is to say, "Stupid", cried out with a loud voice, saying "Let us ignore the vote completely. For the voters are not blessed with wisdom such as I possess."

On another day, Lammy commenteth on the election of a High Priest.

12. Thus no man could tell whether the will of the people would prevail, and whether Bosis would indeed be able to lead his people towards the promised land.

Continued in Chapter 7.

Justin Welby and Vincent Nichols resign

Justin Welby, Archbishop of Canterbury, and Vincent Nichols, Cardinal Archbishop of Westminster, offered their shock resignations today, following the referendum in which the people of the UK voted to leave the EU.

Unskilled workers: no reasonable offer of employment refused.

Welby and Nichols had campaigned vigorously for "Remain", convinced that the EU was God's own system of government, and that Jean-Claude Juncker was a truly holy man, beloved of the Lord. Discovering, however, that they had called it wrong and that God probably regards Juncker as a bit of a prat, the two Archbishops have realised that their positions as pastoral leaders are untenable.

Spot the difference. (Justin and Vincent didn't!)

Meanwhile, you may judge your own attitude to the European Union, by deciding which of these hymns best reflects your reaction to the result of the referendum.

1. O God our help in ages past.
2. Now thank we all our God.
3. God moves in a mysterious way.

God moves in a mysterious way.

The Book of Brexodus, Chapter 5

Continued from Chapter 4

1. So the great day approached, on which the children of Britain were to vote. Should they stay in EUgypt, or seek the promised land flowing with milk and honey?

2. And there spake out many learned people, some of whom wished to stay, and some to go.

3. For example, there was a man named John, also called Cleese, who wished to leave. Meeting some Germanites, he spake out, saying "Do not mention the war," and, on another occasion, said of his servant, "I'm sorry, he is from Bar-celona."

John preacheth to the Germanites.

4. While, on the other side, there was Edward, he that was known as Izzard, who wore a wondrous hat, but said nothing very memorable.

Edward preacheth while dressed up as Eccles's Anti Moly.

5. However, following the tragic slaying of Jo Cox, the Remainites of Cam-aaron and the Leavites of Bosis came together in a show of unity, saying, "Now is the time to put aside our differences, and to speak peace one to another."

6. And this era of peace lasted for approximately five minutes.

A debate on the Common Agricultural Policy.

7. Then the people shouted out with a multitude of voices:

8. "The Leavites are traitors!" "The Remainites are frauds!"

9. "Cam-aaron is a cheat!" "Bosis is a liar!"

10. "The Leavites have got bad breath!" "The Remainites never wash their feet!"

11. "Vipers!" "Scorpions!" "Toads!" "Locusts!"

A typical Leavite/Remainite (you decide).

12. "If we remain, we shall be slaves!" "If we leave, we shall be ruined!"

13. "There will be war!" "There will be disease!" "There will be famine!" "There will be a lack of free bus passes!"

14. "Boil thy head!" "Shut thy gob!" "Stuff it!" "Bog off!"

15. And thus it was seen that the politicians, the celebrities (the actors, the footballers, and other leading opinion-formers), and even the bishops and professors, had finally learned how to act as adults.

St Robert of Geldof discusseth fishing quotas.

16. In the words of the apostle Paul, "When I was a child, I spake as a child. But now that I am a man, I still speak as a child. So Nah, Nah, Nah to the lot of you!"

Continued in Chapter 6.

How to be a Good Pope 4

Continued from Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3.

As we have pointed out before, it is quite likely that one or two of our readers will end up as popes; or, if not, as mothers of popes, fathers of popes, etc. You therefore need to know how good popes behave - and if you are the parent of an errant pope, to say "Bosco, stop being silly!" at the right moment.

"Give 'em Hell, Jorge!" says Maria Regina Sivori.

Now, it is the duty of all popes to challenge the faithful, by saying things that will make them think. So you could tell them "Most Catholic marriages are invalid, because Catholics have not read my lovely book Appassionata Erotica, complete with amusing footnotes." This will go down well, and probably lead to husbands and wives walking out, children being abandoned in the street as "invalid", and everyone saying what a wise pope you must be. Then, when nobody is looking, change "Most are" to "Some are", or "One or two may be", or "I heard a rumour that there was one", just in case anyone asks you for some definite facts.

Of course marriage is not the only way to have a relationship with someone. You can cheer up your flock by saying that relationships based on fornication are just as good really. Who needs the sacrament of marriage? If nobody ever married, then adultery and divorce would vanish from the face of the earth! In the new modern streamlined church we can also get rid of ordinations, baptisms, marriages... You can go down in history as the pope who sent everyone to Heaven - believers or unbelievers - without any fussing about.

A model for the modern Catholic Church.

When discussing relationships you should of course be "gay-friendly". In the words of Saint John Lennon, "All you need is love!" Why not fly the rainbow flag over the Vatican, or organize a "Vatican Pride" event? A few of those stuffy traditionalists will object, but you will be able to convince the secular public that "We all believe the same thing, really". Then expect to receive extravagant praise from that ultimate arbiter of morals, Fr James Martin SJ - as pope you'll know that means you've "arrived"!

Baroness Warsi quits the Catholic Church

In a stunning body-blow to the Catholic Church, Sayeeda Hussein Warsi, also known as Baroness Warsi, has announced that from now on she is joining the Muslims, acknowledging the prophet Mohammed as her redeemer and saviour. This high-profile defection is so calamitous that Cardinal Nichols will probably have to resign, and even the papacy itself is threatened.

The reasons given are that Warsi could no longer stand the hatred and nastiness she encountered in the Catholic Church. However, as far as we know she has never even met Fr Thomas Rosica, so it is not clear what the problem was.

"I'm not a turncoat," insists Baroness Warsi.

The most remarkable aspect of this defection is that - as with her high-profile "defection" on the Brexit referendum - nobody had the faintest idea that she was ever on the other side.

LATE NEWS: Baroness Warsi has spoken out again, saying, "From now on I identify as a woman, and anyone who refers to me as 'Fred Warsi' is guilty of a transphobic hate crime." The mother-of-one has made it clear that she is does not wish to be regarded as a member of the racist, xenophobic, nasty, male sex. In this case, we are happy to go along with her wishes.

"Don't worry, he only attacks Catholics."

In other news, the Pope has "defected" to the Catholic Church.

A saved poet replies to Carol Ann Duffy

Poor Carol Ann Duffy has made a brave attempt to write the worst poem ever seen - after a dozen lines claiming that all sorts of people are "gay", it ends with the following very silly lines:

The actress is gay,
spot-lit in the smash-hit play;
the butcher, the baker, the candlestick-maker,
our children, are gay.
And God is gay.

My pet goldfish is gay.

This shows an understanding of theology that would embarrass an under-9s Bible class, or maybe just an attempt to troll people of faith: CAD forgot, however, to include Mohammed in her litany of honour. If it were not written by the poet laureate - you know, the successor to Wordsworth, Tennyson, Betjeman, etc. - this garbage would not have been published in the Barnsley Chronicle, let alone any national newspapers. Still, we may respond to it in its own terms.

As thick as thieves.

Thieves are thick,
And end up in the nick;
My custard is thick,
and it makes me sick;
Atheists, alternative comedians, and Guardian journalists are thick.

The Fishwrap's Fr Thomas Reese SJ is thick.

Whoever thought Carol Ann Duffy was a good poet 
is thick.
And we really need a stronger word
Like "stupid", "imbecile", "moronic" or "deranged",
but Carol Ann Duffy is thick.

Can I be the next poet laureate please?

Pope claims that most Catholics are bastards

Pope Francis, in his usual friendly I-hates-you-all-because-you-is-not-saved-only-I-is-saved style, has claimed that most Catholic marriages are invalid, thereby implying that the fruits of the marriage (kids) are technically bastards.

John Major - also thought that most of his colleagues were bastards.

As has already been pointed out by wiser people than myself*, it is quite likely that most ordinations were also invalid - we can give you a list of prime suspects on request - not to mention Masses, Reconciliation (Penance), etc.

*wiser, but less saved, perhaps.

Having spent the three years of his papacy in accusing Catholics of particular sins (Pope Francis has a particular objection to holiness, faithfulness, honesty, truthfulness and orthodoxy), the Holy Father has now decided to "go for broke" by issuing this general Commination on his Church.

"O God! I've just insulted my own parents!"

Some critics (not us) have responded by suggesting that certain papal conclaves were invalid, because either Cormac Murphy-O'Connor and his mates interfered, or simply because the the cardinals ended up electing a rather dim person who didn't understand canon law. I expect that dear brother Mundabor could tell you more.

However, we should remember that the choice of the Pope is made by the Holy Spirit, possibly influenced by the Spirit of Vatican II, and that God moves in a mysterious way His wonders to perform. He plants His footsteps in the sea, and rides upon the storm. After one saintly Pope, and one very learned Pope, it is clear that the time had come for the Church to be led by someone very different. You got it.

The martyrdom of Harambe the gorilla

The entire universe is naturally incensed this week after the shooting of Harambe the gorilla at Cincinnati Zoo, when he was believed to be a danger to a four-year-old boy known only as "the boy".

The Vatican is lit up in memory of Harambe.

Clearly it would have been more appropriate to have shot the boy instead (at four years, his termination could have passed for a very late-term abortion, and thus have offended nobody). However, in the end it was Harambe that was martyred, and so the campaign for his canonization is already starting.

Flashback to when Hans Kong employed gorilla tactics against the Catholic Church.

Naturally, Cardinal Ravasi has joined in the mourning with a moving tribute to Harambe, tweeting the words, "Ook, oook, ooook!" Fr Thomas Rosica is already blaming traditionalist zoo-keepers for his death, and Fr James Martin is preparing a moving homily where the death of Harambe is to be seen as a sign that God wishes for a liberalization of gay rights, the ordination of women, and the banning of the most recent translation of the liturgy.

Harambe: looked almost human, but was of course totally different.

Well, all that we need now is for Tony Blair to declare him "the people's gorilla". So may Harambe rest in peace, and let us have the Furry Requiem in his memory.