Saturday 15 December 2012

The Portsmouth liturgy survey

Paul Inwood

Paul Inwood explains the thinking behind his work.

We in the People's Republic of Portsmouth are very angry about the new translation of the liturgy, which goes right against the dumbing-down tradition we have followed all our lives. Indeed, the new version attempts to get closer to that heretical Latin missal which has blighted the Church for so many years.

Pie chart

A humble pie chart. The ICEL told me to eat it.

For the full document, you will need to go to this source, but here are some of the more striking results.

Q1. What do you think of the new translation of the Mass?

(a) Even better than the Sermon on the Mount (2%);
(b) OK (88%);
(c) They should have got Paul Inwood to do it (10%).

As you can see, 98% of the people who responded are totally dissatisfied.

Baby reading book

Personally, I think some of the words are too difficult.

Q2. How much training were you given in its use?

(a) None at all - I'm quite capable of reading the new words off a piece of paper (30%);
(b) Some practice before the service (67%);
(c) A three-week intensive "boot camp" where I was fully indoctrinated. (3%).

As you can see, 97% of worshippers feel that they were not adequately prepared.

Boot camp

A boot camp; here, worshippers are learning the correct posture for prayer.

Q3. Traditional Catholic worship dates from the 1960s. Which of the following composers do you think best represents the 1960s?

(a) Bach (2%);
(b) Beethoven (2%);
(c) Paul Inwood (96%).

As you can see, a staggering 96% of people replying believe that Paul Inwood is the greatest composer who ever lived.


Bach - 98% of people think he has a silly hairstyle.

In addition, we asked people completing the survey to write down as many abusive epithets for the new translation as they could. Comments included:

* Blasphemous;
* Foul-mouthed language - too vile even for the BBC;
* Roche? Isn't that the French for "rock?" I suspect that the Pope's behind all this;
* My granny came out in spots the week after using it; that can't be a coincidence;
* Encourages paedophilia;
* Totally ignores the theological advances made by Richard Dawkins;
* I had to shoot my parrot when it started saying "consubstantial";
* Worse than anything Hitler ever did;
* Look, I'm a professional builder and any roof I make is fit for a King to enter under;
* Treats God like some sort of divine being rather than our best mate;
* I would have used "will" rather than "shall" at this point; clearly Arthur Roche is an illiterate savage;
* Has severely affected the sales of my music. Oops!

Arthur Roche

Arthur Roche - taking us back to Roman times.

Sorry, ICEL, you got it wrong. We in Portsmouth will continue to sing Paul Inwood's immortal anthem "Ying-tong ying-tong, ying-tong ying-tong, ying-tong iddle I po" and don't you try and stop us!

If you disliked this article, you will certainly not want to read these:

An audience with Paul Inwood    and    Bad hymns 9 (Alleluia Ch-Ch).


  1. Scuze me Eccles. I did. Where is it...

  2. Click on "this source" if you want the full survey - it's at

  3. The biggest laugh is when you get to the bottom of the report, all the while wondering how many have responded to the questionnaire, and read that it was the huge number of...307 !

  4. And don't photocopy people's music, the composers will be after you for copyright royalties. This planned obsolescence of the liturgy provides good commercial opportunities for music and missal publishers.

    Still trying to discover if Plainsong for Schools is out of copyright.

  5. Please pray for ishop Philip.

  6. Eccles, there is no purgatory. Its a catholic trick. You better pack your luggae for warm weather.Hot times a comin

    1. Not for dem wot is saved like you and me, darlin bruvver Bosco.

  7. There prolly won't be a Grate O Antiphon blogpost after all, Eccles. So there's no need to find any signin donkeys. It's time to quit the lot of it and stop trying to comment on any Catholic matters whatsoever. It's too complicated for a small rabit.

    Donkeys are enough trouble, without trying to understand people too! God bless you!


  8. Not a saved parson15 December 2012 at 23:41

    I'm one of the 2% who likes Bach's hairstyle. But obviously he didn't compose any proper Church music as you have to sport a moustache for that.

  9. I have to inform you that Mr Paul Inwood did not compose the Ying-Tong song. Something so succinct, tuneful, and memorable is alas entirely outside the scope of his musical and literary abilities.

  10. Who composed that great master-piece "Alley alley alley loo oo ya

  11. It comes from the operetta "Sally and her cat, Thomas" by Gracie Fields. The only piece of music to be written on the back of a Woodbines packet, it played to empty houses in the Gorton Essoldo , before being shut down by the Lord chamberlain for indecency. apparently, Gracie's knicker elastic snapped, while she was throwing the contents of her chamber pot down the ginnel, while singing Alley loo ya chuck chuck chuck.