From the Gospel of St James the Jesuit

For obvious reasons, this book did not make it into the Bible.

1. And it came to pass that Jesus grew to manhood, and sought a new career.

2. For He said, "Carpentry is all well and good, and Man can never have too many garden sheds to hide in; but I have this sneaking feeling that I should go out and speak to the world."

3. "And although I am the Son of God, I must ask the advice of passers-by, that God may learn from them."

4. So Jesus met a Jesuit on the road, and said unto him "Know'st thou what I should teach?"

St James the Jesuit, and friend.

5. And the Jesuit saith unto the Lord, "Thou should'st build bridges towards the sons of Elgibiti, brother of Tinabiti the absurd."

6. "Tell the world that there are no moral Laws any more."

7. "Tell them also, that, since Adam died before Eve, there was a time when the Church consisted of Eve only, wearing a dalmatic."

8. "That does not sound right," said Jesus, and He went his way, until he encountered one Ostensibly Faithful, an ivory-dealer from Crux.

9. "Listen, Man," said Ostensibly Faithful, "beware neurotic converts, beware conservative theologians, and, above all, beware the man that would answer the five questions of Dubia."

10. And Jesus was sore perplexed at all the advice He was receiving, and said "If only God the Father had known His own mind on these matters. But He hath created Man that He might learn wisdom from him."

11. "And it must be said that the wisdom of the Jesuit and the wisdom of the ivory-dealer are wondrous indeed, and would never have been produced by God."

Hello, hello, hello...

12. So Jesus continued His way until He met some officers of the law.

13. "Hello," they said. And again "Hello". And finally, "Hello," a third time. "What is all this then?"

14. "I am come down from Heaven to save the world," said the Lord. "But I know not what I should say. And the ungodly give me foolish advice."

15. And the officers of the law debated amongst themselves, saying "He speaketh wrathfully. Hath he committed a hate crime? Let us arrest him, as it is much less trouble than looking for real offenders."

16. And it was so. Thus Jesus never found out what He should really have been doing, and salvation was left to the Jesuits to arrange.

© Fr James Martin SJ

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And in other news...

BIG BEN FALLS SILENT FOR FOUR YEARS.

Big Ben.

The Catholic Church is still in mourning after four years of silence from the famous Big Ben. "He has not tolled anything since 2013," say the distraught faithful.

It is true that a replacement, a "Funny Frank" cuckoo-clock, has been arranged, but consumer-testing suggests that all it does is shout out insults, such as "Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, you're a rigid neo-Pelagian!"

Manufacturers are already bidding to provide the next replacement, including Cupich Inc. ("Blithering Blase"), Tagleco ("Cheeky Chito"), Vincent Nichols Enterprises ("Vain Vin"), and of course Sarah's of Africa ("Sound Sarah").