Takin de collectoin

Bosco dressed up as a nun to go to de Cathlic churhc, as part of his cunning plan to grab de collectoin. Dat was to stop it goin to dem costume holly men what is all pevrets.

We bruoght along wiv us some more spirritaul poeple from de Calumny Chappel to give Bosco morral suport as he entered de dreadful place full of unsaved poeple. Dese freinds of ours doesnt dress up as clowns, Jessus has told dem dat dey is banananas.

I walks in wiv Bosco and has a little chat wiv de old guy at de back givin out de hynmbooks.

"Ullo, buster," says I. "I is a saved pusson what has been fished out of a deep pit by Jessus, and is washed clean. I was a misserable sinner but now I is a heavenly bein. Praise de Lord, buster."
"Dat must be very nice for you," says de old guy. "Take a coppy of de new litturgy. It have been transslated again, to get rid of de Bibblical bits wot we Cathlics didnt like. Dont forgit to kiss de gravven immages as you goes in."

Bosco also explanes dat he wuold like to take de collectoin. "Dat's very kind of you, sister," says de old man. "Wot you does is get de punters to put money in dis plate, den you brings it up to de front, and de preist grabs it and uses it to buy whisky."

De time for taking collectoin was durin a hynm, and I was watchin Bosco as he got de widdows to put in dere cash. "Dat aint enuogh, sister!" he said to a little old lady. "Turn out your handbagg. And dat's a mighty fine golden chane you is wearin, we'll have dat as well. Better to go to Heaven wiv no chane, than to end up in de Lake of Fire wiv a golden chane."

So Bosco collected a record amount for Cathlic charittable causes (de costume holly man's whisky fund).

He managed to conceal de loot in his pew, plannin to take it out wiv him at de end. But in de Cathlic service dere is a place where de costume holly man says "We now gonna share de peace wiv our neihgbors," and you gotta shake hands wiv all de people nearby even if dey aint saved.

Bosco he was claspin hands wiv de girls in de row in front and dey was tryin to stop him claspin uvver parts of dere boddies, when he got hit very hard in de back, and a strange man behind him said "Oi! Give us de peace, clown, or I'll beat yer up!"

"Oh yeah?" says Bosco. "Here, want me to do de Vulcan Death gripp of peace, you loser?" and he knokced de strange man down to the gruond. "Rest in peace," said my bruvver Bosco, I fink he got a little confussed over dis new litturgy.

Well, Bosco escapped from de churhc wivvout too many wuonds dis time, but he didnt get to take de collectoin wiv him, so I guess de costume holly man must have got it after all.

Bosco plans a roberry

We mannaged to get rid of Farver Arfur the costume holly man, I fink he was last seen campin in his tent outside de Bank of Lost Angels in prottest against traddy Cathlics. Sometimes he camps outside de Catheddral to prottest against banks, it dont make a grate deal of diferrence either way.

In fact, sometimes he camps outside de swimmin pool to prottest against General Pinnochet - I fink he hasnt read a newspapper recently - and sometimes he camps outside de Chilean embassy to prottest about de high prices at de swimmin pool. Dis is called Libberal Thoelogy, and is anuvver way of not being saved.

Farver Arfur told us dat he practises de Custardy of de Eyes, which was invented by St Frances, and says dat you can take your clothes off in churhc and he wont notice.

Since Arfur was de herro of our last storry, here is a pitcher of him rellaxin wiv a nun. Dis proves he is a preist in good standin, as nuns doesnt rellax wiv ordinnary poeple. In fact dey calls dem "Sexxist pigg" and knees dem in de grion, as Bosco found out when he asked a nun to pose for a saucy pitcher for his luvvly blogg.

Dem wuonds is hard to explane, but perhaps Arfur and de nunn has been havvin a punch-up, frankkly Arfur can start a punch-up in an empty room. Maybe he asked her if she wuold like to learn about de Custardy of de Eyes.

Bosco had dis brillaint idea to steal de collectoin from de local Cathlic churhc. He explaned to me dat every dime dey put in de plate goes to support pervy preists, because de Pop likes em. It seems dat de Cathlics doesnt give money to de widdows and orhpans any more, or even de starvin milloins in Affrica, it all goes to dem costtume holly men. Bosco finks dat if he can pinch de money, den he can put it to a much better use, like a new Royce Rolls for Pastor Ise-Milk of de Calumny Chappel.

"Dere's a morral vaccum in de Cathlic church," said Anti Moly, "So it will be only fair to take all de collectoin money and buy gin wiv it."

But I had a worryin thuoght. "Aint steelin wrong, Bosco dere?" I asked. "Aint it against de 10 comanddments in de book of Exeters?"

"Eccles, you dimwit," said Bosco. "Dere is only 1 comanddment, do not make gravven immages. De uvvers is optoinal for us wot is alreddy saved, and in fact we fink it is bad manners to mentoin dem."

Havvin explaned dis sutble thoelogical point to me, Bosco had de brilliant iddea to disgiuse ourselves as nuns, becuase dey is always welcome in Cathlic churches. Dis is Bosco's costtume, I fink he will be able to slip in unnotticed, dont you?

How to exercise poeple

Farver Arfur de preist in good standin rushed ruond to our huose, where my Anti Moly was scremin dat she needed exercising. For dem what doesnt understand de probblems she was havvin I shuold explain dat sometimes her speech was full of vile, sattannic obscenitties. Well, dat's normmal, but at uvver times her vioce changed and her speech was much milder and pollite, so we susspected dat a Fuol Fiend was posessin her.

"I IS DEMNOS DE FUOL FIEND AND I IS IN TORMMENT!" shouted Anti Moly in a deep vioce. Then she continued "Eccles you is a bitter, offenssive, rude, ill-mannered, cruel, unkind, anggry, traddy sockpoppet!" much as normmal when she is in a good mood wiv me.

"Ullo," said Arfur. "I is a preist in good standin. Damain Thopmson will be writin a specail blogg about my martrydom one of dese days, when a letter from Monsingor Ooglebleep, de Bishop of Pluto, reaches him. You is not a umble servant of de Lord like I is, I got a gold meddle for bein umble. I wears it on Sunddays."

To our surpprise a demmon appeared next to Anti and said "YOU IS NOT A PREIST. WE DEMMONS KNOWS A REEL PREIST WHEN WE SEES ONE."

"Ullo, Mr Demnos," I said. "You has changed appearrance since yesterdday. You looks nastier."

"I HAS BEEN IN TORMMENT INSIDE DE SUOL OF MOLY BENDITE!" said de demmon. "IT MAKES DE SULFURR LAKES OF HELL SEEM QUITE NICE BY COMPARRISON."

"Fuol creecher! Go back to de Hellish place from which you came!" shouted Farver Arfur.
"I doesn't want to go back to Pottymouth," complaned Anti Moly. "De poliss said dey would lock me up if I went back."
"Not you, woman! I was talking to de uvver Fuol Fiend!" snarled Arfur. "Right! I got de bell, de book and de canddle. Dis is what we preists is told to use."

"What's de book like?" asked Bosco. "Does de author mentoin dat all Cathlics is mass murderrers?"
"Well, I doesnt have any Bibbles - we doesnt use dem in my churhc - but I brought what I fought was gonna be de story of our Saviuor, one of de gratest men wot ever lived," said Farver Arfur. "De man wot saved de world's econnomy from riun. But it seems to be about a man who spent his time kickin fings."

"DAT WAS GORDON BROWN ALL RIGHT," said Demnos. "WE READ ABOUT HIM IN DE DEMMONIC TELLEGRAHP. EVEN WE DEMONS DOESNT THROW MOBBILE PHONES AT POEPLE. NOW, EVEN IF YOU AINT A PREIST, SEND ME HOME. I CANT STAND ANY MORE OF DIS DAME."

Farver Arfur rang de bell, lit de canddle, and read out a bit from de book: "Och aye, we wuz in de Jolly Sporran pub celebbratin oor 30 nill defeet o' Haggistoon in de Rabbi Burns Memmorial Trophy..."

At dis momment de Fuol Fiend disappeared compleetly (I mean Demnos, not my Anti Moly, who was still dere), cryin, "DIS IS TOO BORIN FOR ME."

"I told you I was a reel preist," said Farver Arfur. "We is now gonna take a collection for my expennses."
"No we aint, you sockpoppet!" said Anti. "You has drivven away de only pusson who reely understood me."

It sure aint easy savin poeple.

Anti needs exercisin

We is still havin trubble wiv Anti Moly. We fought dat she was enjoyin a nihgt of passion wiv a chap who calls hisself Demnos de Fuol Fiend (dere was shouts and screems all de nihgt, even more dan dere usually is when she's bloggin), but we may have got dis wrong.

She came down to brekfast, where Bosco and me was tuckin into our brekfast serials, Wheety Halos, which is wot saved poeple eat, as good prepparation for when we wears halos in Heavven.

In fact Bosco was tellin me an interrestin story about how he once spent 2 minutes at de Musuem of Torcher in Dissneyland, and how a giant duck appeared and said "Ullo, I is Donnald." Bosco ran away in fear, dis told him all he ever needed to know abuot de Cathlic churhc, dey scares poeple wiv giant ducks.

We was greeted wiv a "Mornin, cobbers!" from Anti Moly in her usaul screechy vioce. Den she continued, "YAHAHAHAHA, WE IS DEMNOS AND WE IS IN CONTROL," in a much deeper vioce.

"Is you practisin ventrilloquims, Anti? You can use Eccles as your dummy," said Bosco, showin a most un-bruvverly atittude towards someone who is just as saved as he is. "Or is you speekin in tongues as we saved poeple does, like sometimes I does a good impressonation of Addolf Hittler?"

"I fink it's a sockpoppet, Bosco," I said. "Anti is prettendin to be Alfred Hadock again."

Just den de tellephone rang. "Hello, I is a preist in good standin," said a familliar vioce. "I does blessins, curses, conffessions, weddins, funnerals, exercisms, grave diggin, dog-walkin, light garddenin duties and small plubming jobs at cut-price rates. I has got singed tetsimonials from Collonel Gaddaffi and de Pop in Avingon to say dat I is a reel preist. Wuold you like to buy some sharres in de Vennezeulan Dodo-farmin Company? Dey is sure to go up, dodo meat is very poppular these days."

"I AM DEMNOS FROM THE DEEP PITS OF HELL," boomed Anti Moly, then, "Traddy RC sockpoppet click, pretty sad, eh?" in her usaul vioce.

"You got someone dere who needs exercisin," said Farver Arfur. "As a preist in good standin I is traned to recoggnise de symtpoms. I has even got me own bell, book and candle. I will come ruond later. Keep de pattient under seddation wiv lots of gin, but save some for me too."

So we is waitin for furver devellopments.

We aint had many phottos of Bosco lately, so here he is hidin in a drane. What he does is shout "YOU AINT SAVED BUSTER, JESSUS IS LOOKIN FOR YOU" at de kids goin to school. Dey fink it's a vioce from Heavven, and some of de kids bursts into tears and runs away screemin. De kid we got here is just about to be sick into de drane, well Bosco, de path of rightoeusness aint always easy, is it?

Anti Moly's belloved

Fings seemed to be settling down a bit wiv us. Bosco was improvvin his mind by readin "De Big Boy's Book of Cathlic Crimes". Dis told him dat de Pop wears red shoes so dat it don't show if he treads in a pool of blud when visitin de Vattican torcher chambbers. It explanes a mysterry dat has obssessed Anti Moly for a long time.

De book also has a famuous photo of two Cathlics with a pithcfork, dey is gonna torment poor innocent poeple who only wants to be saved, by pokin dem wiv it. Dey finks it will make dem holey.

Wot a pair of misery gutts, if dey was saved dey would dress up as clowns like Bosco does. Also dey wuold smile a bit.

Anyway, last nihgt we heard screemin and luod conservations comin from Anti Moly's room. Dis is quite usaul when she is bloggin and has an all-nihgt meltdown, but de strange fing is dat dere was anuvver deeper vioce accompanyin her screems.

Bosco and me stood outside her door, wonderin what to do.

"Eccles, do you fink dat Cradinal Pell have come back to claim de hand of our dere Anti?" Bosco asked. "Perhapps he is fedd up wiv bein a costume holly man and wants to sample de delihgts of de flesh."

"Well it cant be Herrman Gorring," I said, "cos I fink he's dead. What uvver admirrers did she have?"

"YOU IS MINE. YOU IS ALL MINE." said de deep vioce in Anti Moly's bedroom. "I WANTS TO POSESS YOU. YAHAHAHAHA!"

"You is an attention-seekin bore from de click of traddie RCs and de armies of sockpoppets. Pretty sick, eh?" screeched my dere Anti Moly.

"Dis sure is a romanttic conservation dey is havin," I said to Bosco. "Anti Moly aint usually as affecttionate as dat."

We was very currious to see what Anti's new suiter might look like, so we knokced on the door and went in. Dis was de chap wot was talkin to my dere rellative.

He seemed to me like an uggly-lookin chap, but I spose dat Anti can't be too choosy. I greeted him as I greets all new poeple.

"Ullo, sir, I is Eccles and I is saved. Plaesed to meet you. Is you Cradinal Pell?"

"I IS DEMNOS DE FUOL FIEND AND I HAS COME TO POSESS DE SUOL OF MOLLY BENDITE. YAHAHAHAHA!"

I didnt quite see what he was luaghin at, but den I doesnt often see jokes. Bosco and me crept out leavin de lovebirds billin and cooin toggether. I fuoght I heard Anti Moly cry "HELP! EXERCISSE ME!" as I left, but bein a cleen-minded lad who is saved I aint gonna specculate on what she was doin in her bedroom wiv Mr Demnos.

Sir Bosco

My bruvver Bosco got an interesstin letter from de Pop today, saying dat he has bin awardded a pappal knihgtood for services to de Cathlic churhc. I fink dat means we has to call him Sir Bosco from now on.

De Pop has awardded Sir Bosco de rare Order of St Ludicrus, for his luvvly blogg. As he explaned in de letter "Dear Bosco, by writtin your blogg you has done more for de cuase of Cathollicsim than anyone I know, and dat even includs Damain Thopmson (who is gonna get somefink a bit less prestiggious, de magic circle of St Vincent). We only has to read your blogg, Bosco, to see dat hatin Cathlics can lead to insannity. By de way I got a new book out, so dont forgit to buy lots of coppies as Christtmas pressents. Blessins upon you, my son. Ben PP. XVI."

Sir Bosco fought he might have to go to Rom to be invessted wiv de insingia to which he is entittled, but in fact some stuff came in de post. It wuold reely good if he cuold wear it wiv de clown costtume in de Calumny Chappel.

I was a little jaelous, as I is Sir Bosco's bruvver, and I has also got a blogg, but perhapps one day de Pop will recoggnise my litterary skills too.

Den we got anuvver letter to say dat de Pop had sent de wrong insingia by misstake. In fact Sir Bosco's gotta send back de silver badges, and de Pop wants him to wear a ball and chane round his anckle instead. Dis is Sir Bosco showin his new insingia to one of his admirring girlfiends.

Of cuorse, Sir Bosco aint gonna stop his hard-hitting cricketisms of de Cathlic churhc, just cos de Pop likes his blogg. He is still reedin lots of storries about de crimes of de Cathlics over de ages, and loves tellin poeple about em. For exammple, here is a pitcher of a Cathlic called Samson doing some vandallism to someone else's tempple, it mihgt even be de local Calumny Chappel. Dey is reely agressive, dem Cathlics. Wot's more, dey aint saved.

Givvin to charitty

De storry so far. Bosco have been givven permision to commit one murder, knowin dat it is alreddy forgivven by Farver Arfur, a Cathlic preist in good standin. We is still tryin to geuss who de lucky victtim will be.

Meanwhile Anti Moly and me was just about to tuck into Bosco's nuorishing pie what he made from allmonds and what smelt reely strong, when dere was a knokc on de door.
"If dat's a freind of mine, tell em come to come in," said Anti Moly. "If not, chuck a brick at em."
"You ain't got no freinds, Moly Hun," said Bosco. He calls her Hun sometimes, as she was once enggaged to de Herrman Gorring (she says it was her what broke de rellationship off, but I heard rumors dat in fact he did it cos he fought she was too agressive).

It turned out to be Farver Arfur, who said he was collectin for CAFFOD, de charrity what helps starvin poeple. It used to be quite Cathlic, but dat werent verry poppular, so dey doesnt worry about dat too much now. In fact dey keeps sendin rude letters to de Pop saying dat he's got it all wrong. So we quite likes dem.

Here is a pitcher of Farver Arfur and his freinds from CAFFOD.

"What shuold I give?" I asked Farver Arfur.
"Give what you can, my son," he repplied. I aint reely his son, but he says dat poeple wont beleive he is a preist if he dont say fings like dat.

So I made de grate sacriffice and sent Farver Arfur away carryin Bosco's allmond pie (dem starvin chaps in Affrica is reely gonna enjoy dat). We also gave him a botle of Anti Moly's homemade cacctus gin, what also makes a grate tiolet cleaner. We aint heard any more of him since then.

Which reminds me, in de Calumny Chappel we has put up a statue of St Thommas de Baker. It is made out of a cacctus, so dat poeple like Bosco doesnt kiss it in a fit of abbsent-mindedness. Aint dat cute?

Bosco's vicctim

As we reveeled yesterday, my bruvver Bosco has been given a licennse to kill. By sayin lotsa Hale Marys and payin a fee to Farver Arfur de funny preist, Bosco has purchassed de rihgt to commit one mudrer knowin dat it is alreddy forgivven. (Dis is Cathlic thoelogy, we what is saved can do what we wants alreddy, as we is washed in de blood of de Labm.)

"Dat's grate, Bosco," I said, "is we gonna git rid of Anti Moly? We doesnt get much sleep at nihgts as she stays up until dawn bloggin and screemin at de lapptop. What's more has you seen what she done to de Calumny Chappel? It's walkin around on legs. Dat aint natural for a churhc. Pastor Vermicelli is furrious."

Bosco gave me a strange look and said "Nope, I got a more obviuos vicctim."

"You ain't goin to kill off one of your girlfiends, is you?" I asked. "De fat one is it, wiv de beuatiful duaghter dat you got on your blogg? Or Damain Thopmson? He seems to have stopped being saved now, and is turnin into a Cathlic again - he's even writing bloggs about Cradinal Vauhgan School, where de kids are tuaght how to worship iddles and dey gets beeten if dey looks at de Bibble."

Bosco smiled eniggmatically.

"Oh well, will you let me know when you has got a victtim, darlin bruvver?" I asked.
"Certtainly, Eccles," said Bosco, "you will be de first to know."

My bruvver is a kind pusson really. He told me dat he has fuond a recippe for cookin allmonds, and he is goin to make me an allmond pie for dinner tonihgt. I took a photto of Bosco cookin dinner. He is wearin a gas massk, and dat's becuase he's got bad breath and dont want to annoy us.

Before I goes in for dinner, I wants to tell you about a grate book dat Bosco fuond on de Internnet, which has got some pitchers of de crimes of Cathlics. We aint entirely sure who dese guys is, but de small chap is called David, which is a Cathlic name, and he looks like a nasty piece of work.

Bosco does pennances

My dere bruvver Bosco is a very holly pusson, and he was readin about Pop John-Pual doin pennances, so he fought he mihgt try dis himsself. Of course bein saved he doesnt ever committ sins, but he saw an advert in de newspapper which looked interrestin.

DOES YOU WANT A REAL TREET? PHON SISTER WHIPPIE OF DE SISTERS OF NO MERCY ON 202-456-1414 AND SHE WILL GIVE YOU A GOOD TIME.

"Dat's de fing for me!" said Bosco, and he went off to visit dis Whippie dame. He came back lookin very disappointed. Apparrently he had hoped dat she wuold tie him to de bed and beet him tottally senseless (he dont have far to go, I suppose), but all she did was feed him on puddins until he felt sick.

De next day we got anuvver unexpected telephon call from Farver Arfur. "Hello," he says. "I is a preist in good standin, as I may have mentoined before. I has even got my own cossack and surplus, wot I buoght in a car boot sail in Rom. Wuold you like to confess some sins? I has got a letter from de Pop sayin dat I can forgive dem. Or if you says some Hale Marys and pays me $100, den I can give you addvance permissoin to commit lots of sins."

Bosco said dat he wuold take 1000 Hale Marys worth of forgivness, and Farver Arfur said dat for a big pennance like dat Bosco cuold have a licence to kill (1 murder). Or he could do 5 greivous boddily harms, or 100 minnor sins, like throwin cabbages at little old ladies in de street, or usin a sockpoppet on a blogg.

So Bosco is finkin carefully abuot some interrestin and origginal new sinns, we doesnt want to waste dis creddit wiv de Lord.

Since Bosco soon got fed up with Whippie puddins, his spiritaul adviser, Sister Whippie, offered him somefink called Angle Delihgt which was also very holly-soundin. But he didnt like it.

Now Bosco got a job advertising breakfast serials, dey said dat he was de perfect pusson to sell de prodduct. We aint quite figgered out why dey fink dat.

Going striaght

Well, Damain was releesed from prisson, after de pussonal intervention of bruvver Borris, and he has vowed to go striaght, i.e. do nuffin dat will upset de Pop, wot secretly controlls de Pollice in Enggland. Bosco tells me dat dey is all Freemassons, you see, and goes around wiv dere truoser legs rolled up. Dats why de Pop wears a dress so you can't see dat he got rolled up truoser legs underneaf.

So you will not see Damain doin any of dese fings dat saved poeple like my bruvver Bosco does.

1. Shout "I is saved and you isn't buster" frew de winder of de hospittal to encourrage poeple what is dyin.
2. Dress up as a clown and go to de Calumny Chappel.
3. Get his spiritaul nuorishment from forbbidden books like de Bibble in de origginal version written by King James.

Instead, he is gonna do the followin.

1. Say "I fink dat de ordinnariate is a wonderfull fing and it wuold be a good fing if de Magic Circus bishops didnt keep tryin to pioson Monsingors Newtton, Burnnham and Broahdurst."
2. Dress up in a shabby siut and go to de Mass.
3. Get his spiritaul nuorishment from Twiter.

Damain sure was aged by bein in prisson. Dis is what he looks like now.

Actaully, we aint feelin very happy wiv Damain right now. It turns out dat before he was arressted he made anuvver trip to Lost Angels to research his new book on dognut addiction (dat's why on Twiter dey calls him "Holey Snack"). He didnt even tell Bosco and me dat he was gonna be there, so he missed out on all de delihgts of minglin with saved poeple. Why even Anti Moly had planed to take him to a gin pallace. We is all deeply offendded.

Bosco has ressumed de BOSCO FOR POP campaing. He finks dat de best way to make himself poppular wiv Cathlics is to prettend he is Gerrman like de Pop. De only Gerrmans he knows about are de Nazzis, so he dressed himself up like a Nazzi and went into de street to make a speech, he fuoght it would go well like dem Nurrenbug Relays.

"Follow me gut pople and you vill be saved," said my dere bruvver Bosco. "Ze Pop is an old man, und it is time dat ve had a new Foorer who vill torcher dem what aint saved. Heil Bosco!"

De pollice explaned politly to Bosco (by hittin him wiv dere battons) dat Nazzis are not very poppular dese days. Bosco told dem dat secrettly de Pop hid Hittler in de Vattican when de war ended in 1945. Dat didnt make any diference, de pollice carried on hittin my bruvver Bosco.

My Anti Moly says dat when she was yuong she was engagged to Herrman Gorring, but she fuoght he was a bit of a windbag and broke off de engaggement. Dis is one of de ironnies of histry, cos if my Anti had been less fussy, dere mihgt have been no World War 2.

Dis is a pitcher of de man wot frew himself at Anti's feet.

Damain is arressted

We has had de most worryin news. As you know, we is grate freinds wiv Damain Thopmson, who visited us in Lost Angles a few months ago, and spent some time in de funny farm wiv us. We mannaged to save him, and he is no longer a Cathlic blogger (de bloody crazy hammster, as dey used to call him), but is now secrettly a follower of de Calumny Chappel. Such is de evangellical power of my bruvver Bosco's luvvly blogg.

Anyway, Damain decidded to attend a service at de Calumny Chappel in Londdon, and he got arressted! We fink it is de Pop to blame, as if you does apostassy de Pop torchers you. My bruvver Bosco told me dat so it must be true.

We is making all efforts to get him releesed, so dat he can write more luvvly bloggs about Joanne Hairy. We has got suport from de Mare of Londdon, Borris Jonhson, who is very sympathettic to de Calumny Chappel, we fink he may even be saved.

Bruvver Borris have sent a special mesage of symmpathy.

"Cripes! The bounders! Chin up, Damian old fruit, Boris will soon get you out of durance vile. Crikey, what a cad's trick to play on you, fellow scribbler!"

I apollogise for de spelling, I cut and passted Borris's e-male, and frankly we is still trying to decod it.

Anyway, dis photto shows dat Borris is alreddy negottiatin wiv de costume holly man Pop ("What ho, Pop!") So we hopes dat Damain will soon be releesed and writin more of his luvvly bloggs.

Anti Moly is very upset by de news. She has found sollace in drinkin lots of gin, but dis is expenssive, so I gotta put in an advert to pay for it.

---

FOR SALE

VERY BIG HOUSE, ONLY ONE PREVOIUS OWNER (NOW DECAESED)

FREE BONNUS STATUE TO SCARE OFF BURGLERS

APPLY TO FARVER ARFUR, PREIST IN GOOD STANDIN AND ESTATE AGGENT

---

Late news: Farver Arfur is also suporttin de "Releese Damain" campaing. "I has sent a letter to de Pop in Avingon," he says. I fink his adress book needs updattin.

Star Trekk

De world is waitin for de full story of how Bosco met de characters from Star Trekk, when he was a little kid. De way he tells it is dat Leiutenant Uhurra (Nichele Nicholls) came to a party at our huose, and he was asleep upstares, but de reallity is rather different.

We was little kids, and in de bedroom Bosco was asleep, dreemin sweetly dat he was beetin up some nuns. I was awake finking about de probblems of being saved. What happenned was dat four Star Trekk characters turned up in our bedroom, as de sensers on de Entreprise told dem about a strangge creecher dat lived dere.

De lady in de party was indeed Leiutenant Uhurra, she screemed when she saw my bruvver Bosco, but otherwise she didnt say much. De one wiv de big ears is called Sock. He took a long look at my darlin bruvver Bosco and said "Dat's life, Jim, but not as we know it! I don't fink dis creecher is saved."

De leeder chap was called Kerk, dat means churhc, so we cuold tell he was relligiuos. "We abhorrs vilence at all times," he said, "but den we doesn't want dis freek to turn into a Cathlic. I fink I'll soften him up wiv de phassar, just to be on de safe side."

He fired de phassar at Bosco's head, but de deadly rays just buonced off, sometimes it is useful to have a crannium as hard as concreet.

De remainin chap was called Bons, and he was a doctor. He was very interresed by dis skelleton dat was given us by de Calumny Chappel for us to pray to in de bedroom at nihgt, and he was sure dat it was saved.

Anyways, de Star Trekk crew decidded dat Bosco was not much of a threat to civillization (dey did say dat hundreds might die of boredom when dey heard him preechin, but dats reely not nice, it's only been a dozzen at most so far). So Kerk said "Beem us up, Spotty," and den dey all vannished.

My Anti Moly says dat Captin Kerk visitted her too when she was yuonger; dey even had a short rommance cos dat's what always happens in dem storries. Dis is a pitcher of dem bein affectionnate.

We meets a funny preist

Well here we is at de seeside again (Seel Beech) and here is a pitcher of Bosco directin an outdoors prayer meetin. Note dat we doesnt stand or kneel when we prays, we just walks on de hands in de name of de Lord, singin one of our hynms.

Walk - on de hands,
Walk - on de hands,
Walk - on de hands,
Walk on de hands for de Lord.

We has met many interestin poeple and told dem dat dey wasnt saved like us. However, we may have met our match wiv Farver Arfur of de Church of de Eleven Anonnymouse Cathlics. Dis man was anxiuos to persaude us dat he was a preist, but you wuold never guess, would you?

Anti Moly screemed "Sockpoppet! ROFL!" at him, but she does dat at everyone, even de dentist when he is providin her wiv new flase teef cos de old ones was worn out wiv bitin poeple. So dat dont signiffy nuffink.

Farver Arfur insissted dat he was a preist, and produced a pile of tetsimonials from a lotta well-known people of integgrity like Baron Munchhaussen, Richard Noxin, Jeffrey Arrcher, Mohamed El Fayyed, Tonny Blair and Joanne Hairy. Dese said dat Farver Arfur was a preist in good standin. Well, in fact de accounts varried, some said he was a profit, some said he was a cradinal, and de luvvly Joanne said he was de Pop. So we gotta beleive it. Mind you, Arfur also told us he was a brane surgoen, a nuclaer pyhsicist and an Olymmpic pole-vualter in good standin, he is a man of manny talents.

Well, we aint Cathlic, we is saved poeple, and so we tries not to have much to do with Farver Arfur. When he telephons in de nihgt to say "Hello, I is a preist. Wuold you like to buy de Eiffell Tower?" we just puts de phon down.

All dis is a distractoin from de Lord's work, which is condenming gravven immages, iddles, and costume holly men. We fuond dis gravven image of a costume holly man in Farver Arfur's church, he says it is a saint in good standin, but I aint so sure.