Wednesday, 1 August 2012

Same-sex marriage service

With Barack Obama and David Cameron anxious to bring same-sex "marriage" to a grateful USA and UK, the more advanced churches are already preparing suitable liturgies for the happy day. We have been given permission to publish some responses, included in the service to ensure that the happy couple only adhere to orthodox doctrines.

Q. Do you turn to Bill Gates? Do you worship Windows? Do you regard the blue screen of death as a promise of future life?

A. We sure do. What's more, when we get "program not responding" messages we shall not ask ourselves "just what the Hell is the computer doing, instead of what it was designed for?" We shall have faith in the eventual resurrection of Windows.

Blue screen of death

A believer in eternal life

Q. Do you renounce Chick-fil-A and all its works? Do you promise never to eat another chicken sandwich? (Here he may take a chicken sandwich and jump on it, shouting "Evil!")

A. We promise this. How dare they talk about "traditional" values? We're really cross! (Here the congregation may stamp its feet or give a petulant flounce, as the minister may direct.) From now on, it's Colonel "Muriel" Sanders all the way!

Infinite evil

Diabolical symbols denoting infinite evil

Q. Do you praise and worship the Henson Corporation? Do you believe in Kermit our Lord, Piggy our Lady, and their only son Ed?

A: We believe in them. Lovely boy, Ed. Hasn't he got his father's eyes?

Ed Balls Kermit

Lookalike: our Lord Kermit and his son Ed

Priest: Super!

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11 comments:

  1. Jessica Hoff1 August 2012 at 19:12

    It may become known as the Stockport Mess, darling eccles, after one of its earliest participants, who married himself. xx Jess

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  2. FrereRabit1 August 2012 at 20:26

    I was a believer in eternal life before this blog post, but it does tend to reinforce my belief.

    PS More than two weeks since *I looked at the Damian Thompson blog. You may say my therapy is going well but I might counter, I genuinely can't be bothered. Keep up the good work Eccles.

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    Replies
    1. Jessica Hoff1 August 2012 at 21:07

      It is OK Mr. R, the floor rolling ones think you are still there as me. They have the eye of Blind Pew for style, and the ear of van Gogh for tone. Hope you and the donks are well. Xx Jess

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    2. st bosco28 August 2012 at 20:51

      Hi Jess, what is Sirach?

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    3. Jessica Hoff28 August 2012 at 22:14

      It is the book of Wisdom, one of those books which Anglicans call Apochryphal.

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    4. Francis30 August 2012 at 01:19

      Slight correction, if I may, Jess: it is indeed part of the Wisdom literature, but the book commonly known just as Wisdom is The Wisdom of Solomon. This however is The Wisdom of Jesus son of Sirach, a.k.a. Siracides, Sirach, or Ecclesiasticus (not, of course, to be confused with Ecclesiastes! It's a pain that the terminology lends itself to a certain amount of confusion.)

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    5. Jessica Hoff30 August 2012 at 12:34

      Thank you very much Francis.

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  3. Jessica Hoff4 August 2012 at 17:31

    Just to let you and other members of the gallant 'click' know, I haz given up Damain's blog. Sirach 13:1 came to mind - but I shall be stayin' here, darling eccles, coz you is a sav'd pusson xx Jess.

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  4. Anonymous5 August 2012 at 14:13

    You is always welcome here, Jessica, since you is already slightly saved.

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  5. Jessica Hoff5 August 2012 at 15:21

    Thank you darling eccles - don't think I improve my chances of being fully sav'd by conversing with phil and the sock drawer xx Jess

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