A traddy priest aggressively wearing a biretta
biretta: in the modern church there is no place for old-fashioned vestments (terms like "chasuble" and "maniple" are equally verboten). It is best if a priest shows that he is no different from other people, so saying Mass in jeans and tee-shirt is recommended. Perhaps a discreet clip-on dog-collar if you want to show you're "staff."
hermeneutic: anyone using this obscure piece of jargon (and that includes Popes who should know better!) marks himself out as someone who is not fully committed to the ideals of Vatican II. If the church is to proceed to ordain women as priests, to endorse abortion and euthanasia, and to allow gays to marry in church - all explicitly recommended by Vatican II - then we need to crush rebels who stand in our way.
kneeling: a most unhealthy custom, leading to arthritis and lumbago. Churches should withdraw all kneeling facilities, and allow the customers to sit down throughout the Mass (perhaps standing for hymns, to allow self-expression by waving arms and doing the occasional jig).
The Last Supper. Only one traddy apostle is kneeling!
Latin: Do we need to say more? The language of Satan. Banned by Vatican II. Who wants to hear a Mass in which abominations such as de gustibus non est disputandum or caveat emptor can be found? Or even veni, vidi, vici?
novena: not a decent English word, is it? All to do with praying on nine consecutive days - if that's not a sign of obsessiveness, we don't know what is!
Gregorian chant: Largely done away with, and replaced by the pioneering work of the blessed Paul Inwood, but it still survives in some pockets of resistance. Ugh. Moreover, Graham Kendrick tells us that he feels insulted that people are attempting to introduce Fulge, Jesu, Fulge as a Gregorian chant.
Pope Gregory I - you can see that he's up to no good
consubstantial: A word re-introduced into the new English translation of the liturgy. Not a word you'll hear in the street! "I hear you're feeling a little consubstantial, Mrs Peppermint! Aren't the tablets working?" What nonsense!
fasting: These days we don't fast, or eat fish on Fridays, or regard Lent as a special period of abstinence. It smacks of an eating disorder if you don't tuck into a healthy Jumbo Offalburger on Fridays (unless, of course, you are a vegetarian, in which case we truly respect your sincere beliefs, but do make sure you get enough calories). Lent's a period for stuffing ourselves with Easter eggs - why do you suppose they are in the shops at that time?
Pope: A chauvinist old fogey in Rome too full of his own distasteful ideas. Don't mention him in polite circles! The word "Vatican" is equally taboo, unless followed by "II."
God: Too controversial a figure in the modern Catholic church. If we are to be able to dialogue with atheists and Anglicans, we must not insist on this. If we must refer to a possibly nonexistent supernatural creator, then the term "sky-fairy" is recommended. We don't want Diarmaid McCulloch or Stephen Fry to laugh at us!
Not a necessary part of modern Catholic theology
Yes, very good, again.
ReplyDeleteAre we led to believe that an elision of the erm, discrete meanings of the hitherto separate words "discreet" and "discreet" is another aspect of the Glorious Spirit of Vatican 2 that in no constitutes a neo-protestant attack on meaning?
Man at a Bus Shelter
DeleteYou are out of practise if you think you can come here and practice pedantry without a license. Especially if you allow your spellchecker to correct the second instance of "discreet" and thus make a nonsense of your correction, enabling the Grammar SS to swoop in on your feeble attempts at grammar-nazi-ism. However, I now see I have started two sentences with conjunctions, and I must put on my cilice and fly off on my broomstick to Fr Z's blognic. If I pass over your bus shelter, on the way from Stockport to London, I shall give you a wave. Don't look up though. Phil has been at the line again.
Thanks. I think you are the fust pusson who ever spotted a spellin mistake on my blogg. Now fixed.
DeleteI like a priest who goes by the name of Fr. Lucie-Smith what I dislike is what this Lucie-Smith writes. I suggest he submits a blank article each week and sign it "Fr. Lucie-Smith" which would constitute an improvement and in keeping (I think) with the theme of the piece.
ReplyDeleteFr Lucie-Smith was a cunning plant by Damain, who hired this noble clever and unsuspecting traditional priest in order to attract elderly liberals who are too vain to wear their reading glasses, but who buy the Herald having read the large font by-line and who labour under the mistaken impression that the Herald has hired a Womynpriest to write articles.
DeleteAnd Sadie, I suspect that if you nipped down to the chemist and bought a pair of +5s you would be able to read some jolly good stuff there, especially his attempt to blame Mrs Thatcher for the fatwa on Salman Rushdie, which is obviously cunning plan to placate his core audience.
I’ve tried Lucy Smith's effusions both drunk and sober and have remained mystified on every occasion. The double barrelled name is fine though and cut above “Murphy-O’Connor”. Perhaps the Herald should publish the football results and assure readers that the information provider is none other than, “Fr. Lucie-Smith”. It would be less flippant than an entirely blank column as previously suggested and may attract readership away from "The Universe" especially in the North-West.
DeleteIf you is gonna get drunk, you will probably see A. Lucie-Nations instead.
DeleteHe seems to be a fan of dis luvvly blogg, which means he is a bit saved.
Halluci-nogenic drugs?
DeleteIs A.Lucie-Nations distantly related to Deliga and Unightie Nations? Or am I contused?
DeleteFr. Z has some suggestions for handling a beretta at Mass:
ReplyDelete"I would use the beretta primarily when there are too many extraordinary ministers charging the altar. Another possible moment would be when the choir sings On Eagle Wings or another ditty of that sort."
"I have learned through hard won and tough experience that you should immediately reload!"
"The altar boy, or if it is a more solemn occasion, deacon, can bring you magazines as you should need them."
There's more suggestions here:
http://wdtprs.com/blog/2010/09/quaeritur-use-of-the-beretta-at-mass-in-the-ordinary-form/
The readers have some nifty ideas too.
I see the link to Fr. Z's article didn't go through. If you go to his website, type in "beretta" and just scroll down to "Who needs a liturgical Beretta".
ReplyDeletePerhaps Bruvver Buretta knows about dis?
DeleteEccles
ReplyDeleteCould Anti Moly establish an agony column for those of us struggling to find a voice in the blogosphere?
Anti Moly finks dat most probblems is solved by gin. WOFL
DeleteSuccinct and to the point - thank Anti Moly on my behalf.
DeleteMy apologies for not reporting back earlier about my overnight trip to London, which was not as successful as I had hoped.As a dyed in the wool traddie, I have no truck with the Virgin West Coast line, and I decided to navigate via the Great Central Railway route to the Great Smoke. I therefore nipped across the Pennines towards Sheffield, and realised too late, that I had forgotten the name of the pub in which they were meeting. I swooped down to the Yorkshire moors near Wyke and asked a passing good shepherd, who informed me that it was the "Coil Oil". On arriving in London I disembarked in Carlisle Street, in Soho. I find this is a place where a 7 foot tall witch in a full length dress with tiara and size 10 stilettos excites no comment. I bumped into Sr Muriel, who was wearing a black bobbed wig under her wimple, and showing plenty of cleavage with a dart embedded therein rollerskating down the middle of the street. I asked if she was re-enacting the ecstasies of St Teresa, but she said she was dressed as Uma Thurman, and was on her way to an ecumenical outreach session with the Kill Bill Missionaries at the Church of the Maculate Presumption, and that she must get going or she would get there after the fat ginger bloke ate all the hobnobs.
ReplyDeleteSo I wandered about a bit, getting some admiring enquiries about my methods of avoiding 5 o'clock shadow, and some obscene suggestions when asking for the location of the Coil Oil, and eventually flew home disappointed to find Phil had painted a giant mural on the side of the house advertising Sr Muriel's holistic centring reiki massage parlour in Brinnington. I don't know what my husband will say.
Um, you has an unusual talent for writin, Jaddis. Does you fink we could hear some more from Bishop S in de fair city of T?
DeleteBishop S has recently returned from an unexpected visit to Rome and will be blogging again soon
ReplyDeleteI am still contused about the buswords, E, cuz didn the calflik pope just declare all the saved pussons calfliks in the Citibus Anglicanorum? undoin all the good work of Thom Crammer who wuz, I thot, inordinate. Is this hearsay or heresy, and wut, zackly, is the differens betwween them? Duz saved pussons now have to wear a spatial collar?
ReplyDeleteIzn't a clippon dog collar a bit passay? I fort it shud be a clippon ponytail according to the rubrix. I'm sure i saws Herman Nootic with one on the uvver day.
ReplyDelete