E: Now tell me, Dan, are you in fact the Lord of sea and sky? If so, what about the land? Are you telling me that the Navy and Air Force have surrendered to you, but the Army is fighting on?
Doctor, we're being attacked by a man called Schutte, who's already taken over the sea and sky.
DS: No, Eccles, you've got this all wrong. I am referring to God here, and I left out "land" because it wouldn't fit.
E: Oh I see. A bit like Psalm 46 then? Be still, and know that I am God. We used to sing this at school when I was young, but when I broke a window the teacher would never believe that it was an act of God. It was very confusing.
DS: Anyway, think of it as if God were singing my hymn, and not us. Modestly, I felt it was appropriate to put a few words into His mouth.
E: I who made the stars of night, I will make their darkness bright. But stars aren't dark, they're very hot and luminous. Well, many of them.
Proof that stars are not always dark.
DS: No, no, it's referring to "my people." Er, God's people, that is. They're mentioned earlier. Blimey, this grammar business isn't easy, is it?
E: Ah. So tell me about the chorus to your song, Here I am, Lord. Is it I, Lord? I have heard You calling in the night. That's not God speaking, is it?
DS: No, it's us.
E: Well it's true that I do sometimes hear noises in the night. Usually, it's my aunt screaming at the Internet. Are we all supposed to have heard God in the night?
DS: Well, it was Isaiah, really. But as in many modern hymns I am asking you to draw attention to yourself, and say "Look at me! I'm as good as Isaiah!"
Isaiah, who rarely got a decent night's sleep.
E: So what are we saying about ourselves, Dan?
DS: Well I thought you would quite like it, Eccles. We are saying that we are specially chosen people, and we're going out to save everyone else.
E: Oh, of course. As long as the hymn is about how great we are, and not about God. No wonder it's popular. Oh just one last thing...
DS: Yes, Eccles?
E: I the Lord of wind and flame, I will tend the poor and lame. I've got it, haven't I? Pentecostalism?
Wind and flame.
DS: Nice rhyme, though?
E: Oh all right. Not poor and lame. Well, not completely. Mr Schutte, thank you so much for coming along.
Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hynm Award:
Lord of the Dance.
Shine, Jesus, shine.
Enemy of apathy.
Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.
Follow me.
God's
Spirit is in my heart.
Imagine.
Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.
"Here I am Lord" is the silliest hyrh ("hymm" cannot be said in our parish as it is a misogynistically oppressive term) in the hyrh book.
ReplyDeleteIn my olde-fashioned opinion, just because it has execrable rhymes and makes no sense, this is not enough for it to count as a hyrh.
Give me boom-bang-a-bang any day. At least, the meaning of that is clear.
Did you know in one hymn book there is the most delicious misprint "I the Lord of wind and flame, I will SEND the poor and lame" (send not tend)
ReplyDeleteI kid you not.
However, I have very happy memories associated with this hymn and my children.
You're kidding surely. That must be the hyrr book in our ecclesial assembly because that's what we sing( - well, not my good self; thankfully I cannot bring myself to sing such shi**- is it okay to say shite?). That's really funny if it is a misprint - because nobody knew. Not surprisingly as the whole hyrr makes no sense at all.
DeleteAh, the Brigadier. Swoon.
ReplyDeletePerhaps I shuold grow a mousetache?
DeleteSmall correction: it was Samuel, not Isaiah, who heard the Lord calling in the night.
ReplyDeleteThat's also true, sister, but some of de hynm's words is based on Isaiah 6. I fink dat my freind Dan was a bit confussed between Jacobb (Genesis 46), Sameul and Isaiah. It seems dere was lots of insonmia in dem days.
DeleteTsk. Tsk - Sue. You’re being too literal (accurate…but literal).
ReplyDeleteArtistes are not literal people. Some would say they are literally not people or even illiterate people. But, after the manner of Francis Urquhart, “I would never say that!”