The Archbishop of Corby (H/T Maria Narwhal).
God, that man Damian is just so WONDERFUL. Remember when we were looking for a successor to Cormac as Archbishop of Westminster? Damian PERSONALLY spied on all the Magic Circle bishops and dug up all the dirt on them. For weeks he wrote hard-hitting articles pointing out that Arthur Roche was too fat, and Peter Smith smoked too many cigarettes. And in the end, the Nuncio got the message, and Vincent Nichols got the job. BLOODY MARVELLOUS, Damian!
The Pope's visit to Britain would never have happened if it were not for Damian. The organizer, Mgr Andrew Summersgill, had forgotten to make any room bookings, and the Papal Mass for the beatification of Cardinal Newman would have taken place in a bus shelter in Lincolnshire. But Damian came to the rescue, and in the end they used Cofton Park. AWESOME!
Cramped conditions for a papal mass to be attended by 55,000 people.
In fact Pope Benedict himself was going through a crisis of belief, and had to be rescued by Damian. To put it in layman's terms, the ontological neo-Kantian paradigm of Sacerdos Paulus semper obscurissimus est was giving him grief. I wrote to him myself: "Benedict, dude," I said, "just remember my encyclical Carpe vacuum, natura abhorret diem, and reflect on how Aquinas would have reacted." But, it took WONDERFUL Damian to tell the Pope the words he really wanted to hear, "Holy Father, I think your hair is fantastic." If it had not been for that, you can be sure that Benedict XVI would have resigned and we would now have Hans Küng as Pope. MAGNIFICENT, Damian! We LOVE you, dude!
Other News
Richard Dawkins, with Charlie the chicken
An early photograph of the religious leader Richard Dawkins has just been published, which will be of great interest to Dawkists everywhere. It shows the brilliant man conducting research into the behaviour of chickens, a subject on which he was said to be a world authority. However, many modern scholars believe that the picture is a forgery, and they have even asserted that Dawkins was a purely mythical figure, whose life story was invented by his disciples. They point out that the writings attributed to Dawkins, being incoherent and inconsistent, are probably little more than clumsy forgeries put out by the Dawkist cult.
The first women bishops in the Church of England.
Meanwhile, the Church of England has finally taken a decisive step in gender equality, by ordaining its first female bishops. The four saintly women in our photo, Mothers Avaritia, Ira, Invidia and Superbia, are expected to bring a new style of worship with them, based less on God and more on getting their names in the papers. With this aim in mind, it is rumoured that they are already in contact with Giles Fraser, the producer of Thought for the Day.
The Cristina Odone horror mask
A few weeks ago we advertised the Damian Thompson horror mask. Now, for the ladies, we have the Cristina Odone mask! Terrify your Catholic friends as they think you are about to unleash a stream of garbled nonsense in your role as a "Catholic spokesman." Scare off your children's boyfriends and girlfriends, as they fear they may be saddled with a mother-in-law whose head gives off steam when she tries to think! Dress up as the woman who, without any sense of irony, dared to criticise Britt Ekland for her looks! With Christmas fast approaching, it is also useful for prospective pantomime dames, ugly sisters, and wicked witches!
Hold the front page,
ReplyDeleteIt's WARRR!!!!!
You understate the self-effacing Paul’s role in the prevention of "Rochey's" move to Westminster. Whether he was responsible for "Rochey's" subsequent move to Rome as Secretary of the Congregation for Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments remains uncertain.
ReplyDeleteWho's next? Benedict Carter?
Let me be the first to complain about your entirely unfair treatment of Paul Priest, you rood rascal Eccles. He has rightly waded in and blasted all his fellow Catholics on the DT blog, after sitting back for months without saying anything and letting them carry on the fight against the atheist trolls.
ReplyDeleteSurrender is by far a more dignified position than continuing the messy business of rebuttal, and he has my wholehearted support for his apostasy.
Um, Paul Priest is my grate hero, bruvver Rabit. A very braney man. We saved pussons wouldnt dream of bein creul.
DeleteDarling eccles, is this Paul a costume holly man, and does he have a set of Babylonian beads and some more nice fish-tail hats? Xx Jess
DeleteUllo Jess, I has got anuvver pitcher of dis saintly man dressed as an angell, which you gotta see some time.
DeleteIsn't that "vested in his angelic raiment" ???
DeleteThat sound very interesting, darlin eccles xx Jess
DeleteSorry to disappoint, we aint go no bus shelters in Lincolnshire as vegetables don't catch buses, and neither do the cabbages, turnipples, carrots, leaks and cauliflowerears. Ther used to be Swedes too in the fields, but now those nasty 'prods' has bin replaced by kindly Poles bringin in true catholic devotions like shouting Carol Woytyla at the top of there voices down't co-op in Grimsby, frightening away local proddy nanas in the process and grabbing all the reductions on wet fish. They've also started what's known as the Boston Pea Party where a devout Polish mob drive the local 'proddy' workers out of the pea fields and kindly do ther jobs for 'em allowing the locals to warm up nicely in the local Job Centre. When I was hungry and thirsty you gave me shelter said someone a while back ,who weren't Catholic, but as av pointed owt there's no bus shelters anyhow In Lincolnshire. Ta ra
ReplyDelete"no bus shelters anyhow In Lincolnshire"
DeleteOne wonders how any of the local populace was conceived?
Hadn't conceived of that.
Delete"One wonders how any of the local populace was conceived?"
DeleteThe answer is quite simple. A fertility rate of 2.1 children per woman per bus shelter, as predicted by a United Nations study of 2010, means that a replacement bus shelter rate of 20/1000 in Zambia could have an age-specific epedimiology rate in 2019 of four times the rate of fundamental improvement and substantially improve relative data with an immediate effect on fluctuating change.
I find this incredibly moving.
So does the bus shelter.
Deletedere eccles, havn't you made a mistake? That is the photo of the liturgical dancers at the installation of the Angrican bishopesses. Real bishopesses have the pointy hats and shapeless, colourful vestimints proovin they are genuine bishopesses.
ReplyDeleteUm, you may be right. But bishops does take off dere fish hats and vestments sometimes.
DeleteAt first I fought dey was angels, but Pop Grogery said "non angeli sed Anglicani". I expect dey is on de side of de angels.
I fink the photo of Richard Dawkins leading the angel (brightly colored feathers) is just lovely, and so inspirin. And goes perfecly wif what the Pop said, 'noon angeli sed angelhair' wif a side of angels, like you said.
DeleteI believe those are the famous Rochet Lysergical Dancers, famous from the Cathedral of St John in Decline in NYC. They can be identified by their scanty garb, and are in no way clergiegirls.
DeleteHaven't laughed so much since Auntie Moly got her left boosom caught in the mangle!
ReplyDeleteOh dear. I do hope the mangle's ok.
DeleteNo, like it's owner, it is rather the wurzel for wear.
DeleteCould it put in an order for thirteen of the masks, as my coven want to give people a real fright this Halloween, on Alderley Edge.
ReplyDelete13 Cristina Oddones? Dat sure is terrifyin.
DeleteNotice to posters:
ReplyDeleteCan we raise the tone of this discussion which I myself lowered? Thank you.
Congratulations to Hilary Mental for winning the Wo-Man Prize for Anti-Catholic Bookish Propaganda !!!
ReplyDeleteJust think, if she had become a nun instead, she could be performing foot massages on Phil, while Sr Muriel hotwires his Allegro, and does unspeakable things to his poddy on the mean streets of Brinnington.
ReplyDelete