Bad Hymns 14

The judges of the Eccles Bad Hymn Award are very pleased to welcome Sister Marie Lydia Pereira, who is going to tell us about her hymn Go, the Mass is ended.

Some people just won't take a hint.

E: Now, Sister Marie, I think I've managed to extract the main message of your hymn, "Go, the Mass is ended," not least because you repeat it eight times. And a very good message it is too, when the priest says it at the end of the service.

MLP: That's right, Eccles. Of course some traddy priests will insist on saying "Ite, Missa est," which nobody can understand. So the congregation just hangs around wondering what to do next.

E: Yes, it's like guests at a party, isn't it? You look at your watch, you say "My, is that the time?" You yawn a bit, you get out the vacuum cleaner, you say, "I see there's an excellent bus passing in the next 10 minutes," but they just don't take the hint, do they?

Sometimes there is only one way to make guests leave.

MLP: You're so right, Eccles. And even in more liberal services, the priest's dismissal tends to get drowned out by the natural gossiping that we indulge in after taking communion.

E: So I can see that a hymn which says, "Clear off, now," would be very useful to a priest.

MLP: Well, exactly. What the congregation doesn't always realise is that the priest may have other appointments. For example, he might wish to bless the church band's new instruments (guitar, comb-and-paper, kazoo and vuvuzela) in readiness for another mass later in the day.

A requiem mass (Gregorian chant), played on a blessed vuvuzela.

E: But isn't the dismissal supposed to be said by the priest, not repeated eight times by the congregation?

MLP: Alas, it's very hard to get priests to sing my hymn as a solo, Eccles.

E: In fact the whole song is really more appropriate for the priest, and not the congregation, isn't it? "Take God’s Word to others as you’ve heard it spoken to you," for example. A good thing to do, but shouldn't such a command come from the priest, and not the local bank manager sitting behind me?

Now men, I want you to gladden all who meet you. [Do you think that's wise, sir?]

MLP: Bank manager, eh? Should I insert a verse about "Save your money, spend it wisely?" No, that's probably a little off-topic.

E: I think the hymn is perfect as it is, Sister Marie. No need to write any more. Go, the interview is ended.

Hands up if you want to leave now.

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Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hynm Award:

Lord of the Dance.    Shine, Jesus, shine.    Enemy of apathy.    Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.    Follow me.    God's Spirit is in my heart.    Imagine.    Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.    I, the Lord of sea and sky.    Colours of day.    The red flag