The ETA course

Welcome to the ETA ("Evangelical Training for Archbishops") course. This course, run by the Church of Holy Trinity, Brompton, is designed for those exploring the Christian faith for the first time, who feel that a career as an archbishop may suit them.

We're all looking for something in life.

Some of the questions we shall be exploring are:

* What's that big black book that you lot keep reading?

* Am I more saved than my neighbour? Should I tell him?

* Holiness. Have I got it? Where can I get it? Does it hurt?

* Are you the chaps who follow the Pope, or is that the Muslims?

* Will I have to learn to play the guitar?

* I like speaking in tongues, but what does Flooble wibmoss grukka lobnewt really mean?

* Am I allowed to bring my own cushion to sit on in church?

A satisfied customer, JW, took the ETA course and now has a top church job, earning £70k, with free company palace and all the tea he can drink.

Later on, we shall move onto the fundamental questions that trouble people waiting for promotion to bishop or archbishop:

* Do archbishops choose their own mitres, or do they get sent them by the Queen?

* If I use words like "ontology," "numinous," "hermeneutic," and "cirrhosis" in my sermons will people realise that I'm bluffing?

* I have been invited to say something blasphemous on Thought for the Day. Will this count against me?

* Does the Bible recommend same-sex marriages for woman priests?

Warning: this is not the Anglican ETA course - its followers rarely become archbishops.