Thursday, 11 July 2013

Salvation is now a Human Right

Following a landmark decision by the European Court of Human Rights in Strasbourg, all religions based in Europe (including the Catholics and the Anglicans) are now obliged to offer salvation as a human right.

Heaven

Heaven - get a good lawyer, and it can be yours!

This verdict has naturally caused a lot of trouble in religious circles. A joint statement from the Pope and the Archbishop of Canterbury (supported by the Archpastor of the Baptists and others) said "There est no bonum in nos telling fideles that possunt condemned ad damnation eternam for peccata if tunc lawyers solvunt them." (With hindsight, it was unwise for them to write alternate words, but it was a compromise.)

Court of Human Rights

The European Court of Human Rights - the architect was inspired by Hieronymus Bosch's paintings of Hell.

In compliance with the ECHR decision, various bits of the Bible will need to be rewritten, or at least supplied with clarifying footnotes to say that they are not to be taken seriously. The ruling has been greeted with enthusiasm by the dissident Catholic group ACTOR (A Call To Outright Rebellion), which has long maintained that references to "wailing and gnashing of teeth" were inserted in the Bible by the Vatican as a means of repression. From now on, wailing and gnashing of teeth will be restricted to those Masses where liturgical dancing, puppets, or Paul Inwood hymns are on offer.

gnashing teeth

Gnashing of teeth - but is it a possible risk to Health and Safety?

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15 comments:

  1. GOR11 July 2013 at 12:38

    In line with the required Bible editing, PETA has taken offense at the treatment of goats and pigs in the Bible.

    “Why are goats condemned to hell?” they ask. “And what did pigs do to be repositories for cast-out demons?”

    A demonstration in front of the pearly gates is being planned – if enough members can be found there…

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    Replies
    1. jadis11 July 2013 at 14:41

      Unlikely to find enough members to protest at the pearly gates, as 90% are undercover policemen trying to embed themselves in the movement - and I wish I was speaking metaphorically.

      Delete
  2. FrereRabit11 July 2013 at 13:15

    Dear Sir,

    You are quite wrong to suggest that Bosch inspired any professional architects. However, his power tools continue to inspire DIY enthusiasts. Hence the oft-heard reproach, "You made a right Hieronymus of that."

    Yours etc.,
    Dysfunctional of Tunbridge Wells

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    Replies
    1. jadis11 July 2013 at 14:36

      Dear Rabit

      I think Eccles means this scene,

      http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/wonkblog/files/2013/01/hieronymus_bosch.jpg

      in which Sr Muriel can be seen piloting her raft "The Saucy Sea Scout" pursued by a nude liturgical dancer on loan from a respectful Novus Ordo celebration in Hale Barns.

      Delete
  3. Unknown11 July 2013 at 15:01

    Paula N Wood is proud to offer the following compositions for this neo-Conciliar dogma - "Centre of My Rights"; "Penitential Rights"; "Dogmatology and the Great Aperson".

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  4. Anonymous11 July 2013 at 17:14

    This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Unknown11 July 2013 at 17:24

      You are a total fraud & exposed already.

      Delete
    2. jadis11 July 2013 at 17:42

      And malicious. Your comment was "screencapped".

      Delete
  5. Jessica Hoff11 July 2013 at 17:44

    darling eccles, can we appeal to a higher authority? xx Jess

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  6. JabbaPapa11 July 2013 at 19:30

    WORLD EXCLUSIVE !!!!

    To be PROMPTLY distributed to ALL Monsignors !!!

    Not only am I the Rabit, but I am Eccles too, as well as Jadis, and any other Catholic that you may happen to harbour hatred in your heart towards.

    I am also a "total fraud", just for good ecumenical measure with our fellow heretics.

    I am also Ben, Jessica, the Pope, and Damian Thompson.

    My, isn't my life exciting !!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Unknown12 July 2013 at 11:17

      Sounds rather boring and commonplace really.

      Delete
  7. FrereRabit11 July 2013 at 21:30

    Dear Sir,

    As a dodgy deacon in good standing, I am appalled that you allow any old riff raff to comment on your blog, including people who hold to orthodox Catholic doctrine. Do you not realise that we in ACTOR (A Call to Outright Rebellion) have already put measures in place to outlaw liberalphobia?

    Yours etc. on a zimmer frame,
    Decrepit of Tunbridge Wells

    ReplyDelete
  8. Rhoslyn12 July 2013 at 10:56

    I remember reading about gnashing of teeth in the gospel the other day. I thought it was a strange phrase for Our Lord to use, but He knows about these things.

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  9. Hughie13 July 2013 at 07:41

    Mr Paisley: "There will be weeping and gnashing of teeth."

    Elderly lady in the front row raises her hand and asks (with some difficulty): "But Mr Paisley, what if you haven't got any teeth left?"

    Mr Paisley: "Teeth shall be provided!"

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  10. Jessica Hoff13 July 2013 at 10:44

    Jabba - you is not Jessica, only I is Jesicca :) xx Jess

    ReplyDelete