Adopt a Pope!

A saved pusson writes:

My adopted pop. All will be explaned later.

You may remember dat in March, when dey was electin a new pop, we was invited to adopt a cradinal, and by de luck of de draw I got Cradinal Marc Ouellet, wot is a good man but did not become pop. He is de prefect of de congregation for bishops instead. I knows wot prefects does cos I read about it in de grate classics of literature like Moleswort, Billy Butner and Tom Brown's Scholdays.

Cripes! A nuaughty Etonian wot is gonna be dicsiplined by de school prefect.

If de prefect catches de junior bishops bein nuaghty den he has got to discipline em. For example, if a bishop starts doin silly dances durin prep, he can be told to write out I must not be a silly bishop 200 times. Now dey tells me dat Bishop Keiran Corny may be in danger of havin to bend down and take six of de best cos he said silly fings about Islam bein pretty much as good as Christainity.

A mountian dat wuld not go to Mohammed (but proper faith can move mountians).

After adoptin a cradinal, I den tried to adopt a deacon. Well dat's a very sad story, as some poeple just aint got de quallities of kindness needed to be saved like me. Let's move on.

De new initaitive is Adopt a Pop! In de times of de early church, de career path of a pop wot wanted to become a saint was simple:

age 0: born in humble circumstances;
age 12: elected bishop, cos de previous bishop had been martryed;
age 14: become pop;
age 16: die horribly for de faith;
age 500: become a siant.

Nowadays it is a little different:

age 0: born;
age 25: become a priest;
age 40: bishop;
age 50: archbishop;
age 60: cradinal;
age 75: pop;
age 90: die wiv diggnity, muorned by all except Richard Dakwins;
age 95: become a siant.

So we gotta press de cases of all de pops wot aint yet saints, or else poeple is gonna say dey werent as good as John XXIII, John-Paul II, etc. My first idea was to choose a random pop, and de luck of de draw gave me Pop Nubmer 88, Constantine (708-715).

Pope Constantine; but maybe it is too early to cannonize him.

Constantine was a worthy man, and apparently a great opponent of monothelitism, a heresay promoted by de Tablet in those days. But it is too soon to consider him for cannonization.

No, we must go back to Pop Nubmer 9, Hyginus (138-142). Dis is de first pop never to be cannonized, and it seems very unfair, does it not? Wikipedia says: Tradition holds that during his papacy he determined the various prerogatives of the clergy and defined the grades of the ecclesiastical hierarchy. You got it, we has him to thank for havin deacons, priests, monsingors, bishops, etc. How lucky we is.

Not sure if Hyginus invented baths, hygeine, etc.

We don't know how Hyginus died, but it seems dat he didnt manage to become a matryr, which may explane his failure to get cannonized. Still, it's never too late, so please remember him, and if you experience any miracles which may be due to him, then let us know. Or you could just choose a pop of your own.