Saturday, 28 December 2013

What church am I in?

This post is a complement to Archdruid Eileen's extremely useful guide What kind of Christian are you? which enables one to identify churches simply by seeing what information is posted outside them: we have a little quiz here, to see whether you can identify a church from the worship that goes on inside.


Muslim, I am.

1. Various people sing "Asperges me, Domine, hyssopo et mundabor" and someone throws holy water at you. Is this (a) Baptist, (b) Catholic, or (c) Scientologist?

2. A man waves a scimitar in your face and says "Die, infidel dogs!" just because you have come in with your wife, who is wearing a mini-skirt bearing a pattern of jolly piglets. Is this (a) Church of England, (b) Quaker, or (c) Muslim?

3. A woman takes her top off, dances round the altar, and shouts "Justice for Tina Beattie!" Is this (a) Catholic, (b) Sikh, or (c) The Wee Frees?


A Femen protestor gives her views on Lumen Gentium.

4. A woman in a clerical collar dances down the aisle and says, "Hello, we'll just have a simple service of worship before we take our tea and biscuits in the church hall." Is this (a) Satanic Fire-worshipper, (b) Buddhist, or (c) Church of England?

5. A man exclaims "Bleep! Bleep! Bleep! I am a fourteenth-level thetan from the planet Tharg!" Is this (a) Hindu, (b) Calvary Chapel, or (c) Scientologist?

6. A funny little alien comes in and says "May the Force be with you, and in the right order all your words rearrange themselves." Is this (a) Methodist, (b) Judaic, or (c) Jedi?


May the Force be with you. Not the Quaker oats.

7. A loudspeaker says "Welcome to Tesco. Today we have ten pence off on our self-raising tomatoes." Is this (a) Church of England, (b) Not actually a church at all, or (c) Sikh?

8. A young Man comes in with a whip of cords, upsets the tables of the money-changers, and drives out the sheep and oxen. Is this (a) Judaic, (b) Catholic, or (c) Quaker?

9. The minister screams out in a broad Irish accent: "'Ye serpents, ye generation of vipers, how can ye escape the damnation of hell?' Yes, Our Lord was thinking of Catholics when he said that." Is this (a) Free Presbyterian, (b) Confucianist, or (c) Greek Orthodox?

Ian Paisley

Hallelujah! I has been saved!

10. The congregation, wearing white robes, dances round a stone circle singing "Hail to the Mother Earth Goddess!" Is this (a) Liberal Catholic, (b) Mormon, or (c) Druid?

Unfortunately, this last question has two correct answers.

Some possible answers are proposed here.


  1. Dear Sir,

    In the interests of proper ecumenical dialogue, I believe it is very remiss of you to crop the photo of the lady with rood and norty breasts so we cannot see them. Given the importance to this religious sect of displaying their rood and norties, it is entirely disrespectful to them (and very frustrating for us ecumenical enthusiasts) to chop them off unceremoniously in this way.

    This is also contrary to scripture, which says, "Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight" (Proverbs 5:19). Looking at your cropped photo above I find myself quite undelighted. Contrary to the criticism levelled at these brave women by their ignorant detractors, they are prophets rather than publicity seekers, and I deplore their knockers.

    Yours, disgusted etc.,
    Man in a plastic mac, Tunbridge Wells

    1. Obviously, on the unfortunately limited available evidence, and I speak here as former secondary school teacher of Anatomy, Physiology and Health (APH), they are, indeed, "Free" but they certainly don't appear to be "Wee".

  2. Sorry, bruvver Mac. I also had to crop the pitcher of Ian Paisley, who isnt wearing any trousers.

  3. Darling eccles, this was a very hard quiz - has a hairdresser of our acquaintance tried it? xx Jess

  4. It just goes to show the confusion that can happen when people aren't in communion with the successor of Archbishop Le Havre!

  5. Decisions... Decisions…

    Actually in the last example I would offer a fourth option:

    (d) American nuns of the LCWR persuasion – catholic, but definitely not Catholic…and un-churched.

  6. you forgot to mention the strange women who love/worship?? The cat!

  7. photos A, B, or D. Question: appropriate attitude/position at Heathrow digidoo identity check.

  8. Darling eccles - as you is a ray of Sunshine, I wanted to give you dis award
    don't let Bosco borrow it :) xx Jess

    1. Oh Jess thanks very much, I'm really touched. You have achieved great things with your blog, and I'm delighted that we give each other mutaul support and freindship!

    2. Alternative answer to all of them is post-conciliar joannine-pauline secundian anthropological phenomenologist inculturated liberal modernist.

    3. Dance semi-naked; give communion to gays; sing Paula N Wood's "C.C.C.Ch-Ch-Ch-church" and misappropriate the offertory - a.) Neo-Conciliar Church; b.) Post-Conciliar Church; c.) Novus Ordo Liberal Modernist Church.