Should we pray in public?

There's recently been a fascinating - no, not fascinating, what's the word? - ah yes, mindless debate on Twitter, over the question "Should we pray in public?"

Ignore him, he just wants attention.

Those who are a little weak on understanding wheel out Matthew 23 at this point, and start mumbling about phylacteries and Pharisees (which are two distinct things, as it happens). There is a subtle point here, athough their fuddled minds rather miss it. It is obviously wrong to feel that you are somehow better than others because you call yourself "A miserable sinner" or "On the side of the angels"; however, joining in public prayers is not quite the same thing.

We mustn't pray the Angelus - there's a painter watching!

The Angelus itself is basically a Catholic prayer (although used by some other denominations) and all to do with the angel greeting the Blessed Virgin Mary. This is generally regarded as an important event, and no decent person of any faith would mock it, or even mock a prayer that commemorates it. Of course, it is a fine Twitter tradition to mock Christianity, and if you do so, you need to use lots of swear words and insults, as otherwise people won't take you seriously.

Personally, I find this whole "praying in public" business very distasteful, don't you? When the intercessions begin in church, I generally ignore them, and just turn to the Tablet cryptic crossword puzzle instead. Hmm - Nice debt rearranged - how we hate him! (8). Any ideas, there? Anyway, I don't like people to know I'm praying, so I do it privately at home. Well, of course I don't usually bother. Life's too busy, know what I mean?

A nasty traddy cat, praying.

---

To finish off, we have a guest post from Sister Wendy Beckett. This was posted as a comment on Damian Thompson's blog, and immediately deleted by the muddlerators.

Custard for David Cameron.

In this charming 21st century painting by Adams of the Telegraph school, we see an updating of the Belshazzar's Feast story, in which a ruthless dictator lets his gluttonous instincts get the better of him, shortly before his inevitable downfall. The use of custard in this context, traditionally presented in a "rainbow" tin, is an astute reference to the dictator's obsession with same-sex marriage, which was one of the causes of his downfall.

There is a message in this painting for all of us, I think: namely, that custard, although one of the staple foods of life, can be misused and misapplied. St Paul warns us that someone who has turned to the dark side will feed on custard to his own destruction. Incidentally, the painting is one of a pair, as Adams later went on to depict the cupcakes of Clegg.

As we gaze on this beautiful painting, shall we meditate on the fate of Cameron, and say a prayer, possibly one involving custard? I think so.

Et in terra pax

This has been a very good Christmas season for me, as lots of people with whom I disagreed violently have contacted me to admit that I was right all along. To avoid embarrassment, or people checking my claims, I cannot name any names, but here are some heart-warming messages I have received.

Professor D, who wishes to remain anonymous.

A retired professor at a well-known Oxbridge University (which isn't Cambridge) has e-mailed me to say that after reading my blog he has come to the conclusion that I was right all along, and that atheism is bunk. It is embarrassing for him to come out in public and say this, as he runs a "Foundation for Reason and Science" of which the main purpose is (i) to say how wonderful he is, and (ii) to promote atheism. Still, he is hoping to change the name of his foundation when nobody is looking.

Spot the difference!

I then received a Christmas card from another professor, living somewhere near Roehampton, who also feels that it is egg-on-face time. "How could I have been so wrong when I wrote my book God's Mother, Eve's Advocate?" she asks. "Did I not realise that it was in direct contradiction to all mainstream Christian teaching since the first century?"

It's never too late to make amends.

Another distinguished person who contacted me over Christmas was someone who - to spare his blushes - we shall refer to simply as Paul Mirkwood. "You have opened my eyes to the possible richness of liturgy and music," he told me. "Apparently, there's more to worship than singing 'Alleluia-Moo-Moo'." I have put him in contact with the composer James MacMillan, who thinks that it may not be too late to retrain Paul as a musician.

Were sinister plots hatched in this shed?

Of course 2013 was a year in which I was stalked, harassed, calumniated, and generally insulted on Twitter. How I wish I could share with you the fulsome apology I received from a deacon who was to blame for much of this. At 4 a.m. he stood in the street outside my house, yelling, "Eccles, for months I accused you of running dozens of sockpuppets, including Damian Thompson, a lady journalist in Hove, a donkey-breeding teacher in Spain, a midwife, Spock of the Enterprise, Fr Ray Blake, and Fr John Zuhlsdorf. I now realise that I may have exaggerated slightly. Will you ever forgive me?"

"In Cappella Calvariæ nulla salus."

Of course I forgave the deacon, and no sooner had I done this than my dear brother, the first person ever mentioned on this blog - whose name I will anagrammatise to "Scoob" so that nobody can identify him - grabbed me by the hand and said, "Eccles, I have been considering the words of St Cyprian of Carthage, In Cappella Calvariæ nulla salus ('No Salvation in the Calvary Chapel'), and I now realise that I am not as saved as I thought I was."

"Scoob" is baptised, as a first step to Salvation.

More e-mails flooded into my inbox. A Telegraph journalist (the only clue I shall give this time is the word "custard") apologised for blocking me on Twitter - he said that reading my blog made him realise that his own efforts could never be as spiritually nourishing. Phantom Domains (anag.) you are forgiven.

Last, and definitely not least, and this one may even be true: I have been nominated for another award by the great Jessica Hof. I must blog on this separately.

What church am I in?

This post is a complement to Archdruid Eileen's extremely useful guide What kind of Christian are you? which enables one to identify churches simply by seeing what information is posted outside them: we have a little quiz here, to see whether you can identify a church from the worship that goes on inside.

Muslim, I am.

1. Various people sing "Asperges me, Domine, hyssopo et mundabor" and someone throws holy water at you. Is this (a) Baptist, (b) Catholic, or (c) Scientologist?

2. A man waves a scimitar in your face and says "Die, infidel dogs!" just because you have come in with your wife, who is wearing a mini-skirt bearing a pattern of jolly piglets. Is this (a) Church of England, (b) Quaker, or (c) Muslim?

3. A woman takes her top off, dances round the altar, and shouts "Justice for Tina Beattie!" Is this (a) Catholic, (b) Sikh, or (c) The Wee Frees?

A Femen protestor gives her views on Lumen Gentium.

4. A woman in a clerical collar dances down the aisle and says, "Hello, we'll just have a simple service of worship before we take our tea and biscuits in the church hall." Is this (a) Satanic Fire-worshipper, (b) Buddhist, or (c) Church of England?

5. A man exclaims "Bleep! Bleep! Bleep! I am a fourteenth-level thetan from the planet Tharg!" Is this (a) Hindu, (b) Calvary Chapel, or (c) Scientologist?

6. A funny little alien comes in and says "May the Force be with you, and in the right order all your words rearrange themselves." Is this (a) Methodist, (b) Judaic, or (c) Jedi?

May the Force be with you. Not the Quaker oats.

7. A loudspeaker says "Welcome to Tesco. Today we have ten pence off on our self-raising tomatoes." Is this (a) Church of England, (b) Not actually a church at all, or (c) Sikh?

8. A young Man comes in with a whip of cords, upsets the tables of the money-changers, and drives out the sheep and oxen. Is this (a) Judaic, (b) Catholic, or (c) Quaker?

9. The minister screams out in a broad Irish accent: "'Ye serpents, ye generation of vipers, how can ye escape the damnation of hell?' Yes, Our Lord was thinking of Catholics when he said that." Is this (a) Free Presbyterian, (b) Confucianist, or (c) Greek Orthodox?

Hallelujah! I has been saved!

10. The congregation, wearing white robes, dances round a stone circle singing "Hail to the Mother Earth Goddess!" Is this (a) Liberal Catholic, (b) Mormon, or (c) Druid?

Unfortunately, this last question has two correct answers.

Some possible answers are proposed here.

How to write a religious blog II

Well, yesterday's introduction to religious blogging was very popular, and achieved a massive 5 hits, only 4 of which were from me. So, encouraged by this, let me continue to advise you.

When you're writing a blog, it is important to be able to show your readers what you've had to eat. Probably, this is because the reader says to himself, "If I eat frogs' legs/ cornflakes/ roast camel/ peas with honey, then I too can become an archbishop/ a celebrity blogger/ a Tablet journalist/ a saved person." Alas, this is usually not going to happen.

In fact, today I had the best that French cuisine could offer.

Other things that you can do to add the "personal" touch to your blog include photographing key items in your everyday life, such as your cats, your kitchen, your dustbins, perhaps your lavatory.

Now the easiest kind of blog to write is one where you post spiritually nourishing paintings and poems. Such blogs are usually very good, because the material is, by definition, produced by someone talented. This is the sort of thing I mean:

Old Noah he had an ostrich farm and fowls on the largest scale,
He ate his egg with a ladle in a egg-cup big as a pail,
And the soup he took was Elephant Soup and fish he took was 
   Whale,
But they all were small to the cellar he took when he set out to 
   sail,
And Noah he often said to his wife when he sat down to dine,
"I don't care where the water goes if it doesn't get into the 
   wine."

Painting by Breughel, poem by G.K. Chesterton.

See what I mean? This has already improved the quality of my post, immeasurably. And Noah is in the Bible, so is a spiritually nourishing person. Come to think of it, why do I waste my time trying to produce original stuff?

Some blogs are co-operative efforts. Jessica Hof has an excellent blog called All along the watchtower, which has several different authors - some Anglicans, Catholics, a Baptist, and - occasionally - my dear brother Bosco of the Calvary Chapel, who was the inspiration for my own blog. This keeps the blog very active, although there is necessarily a divergence of opinions: if an article begins All pictures of my Lord are false images and idolatry, and shows that the artists didn't have Jesus in their lives like I do, and they'll all be left behind when the Rapture comes. Ha ha! - well, that was probably written by Bosco rather than someone from a mainstream branch of Christianity.

Sorry, Rubens - it's the Lake of Fire for you!

Let's finish today with some ideas on how to write an American priest's blog. Now American priests all have complicated names, such as Zuhlsnecker or Longedorf, so are best referred to simply as "Father M" or "Father Q", as if they were James Bond characters. Unlike British priests, who always lead luxurious well-paid lives, with regular holidays in Tahiti and deacons to wait on them hand and foot, American priests are generally broke, and often need to raise money through their blogs. Their demands vary from 10 cents, which will buy a crust of dry maggotty bread for dinner, up to $500, which will buy a new silk biretta with a special compartment in which to store the priest's handgun.

Do give generously. Buy the coffee they're sponsoring - remember, Mystic Monk coffee makes you live longer and develop a sharper mind, while the rival Numinous Nun coffee causes arthritis and dizzy spells. You know it makes sense.

Finally, two tips for rescuing a blog post when it's running out of steam, as this one is:

Post a picture of some sweet furry creatures (these are possums).

Or use a picture of people making fools of themselves in church.

How to write a religious blog I

As the author of a very popular religious blog, which on some days achieves nearly 4 hits, I have been asked to give some guidance to those who aspire to similar success.

A good start - but what comes next?

Now, unless you lead a very interesting religious life, nobody is going to be interested in a simple day-by-day diary of what you do. This sort of thing is fine: Enjoying my first Christmas as Pope. Went to midnight Mass, so was quite late to bed. Opened my presents - I had asked Father Christmas for some comic books such as The God Delusion and God's Mother, Eve's Advocate, but all I got was socks. The next morning I gave a blessing to some people in the street outside, then went indoors for a game of Pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey with Guido Marini.

Could the brass band stop, please? Catherine Pepinster's been complaining.

This sort of thing (from Malvolio's blog) is not so fine: On Christmas Day I was locked in my garden shed with some bottles of whisky. A man called Sir Topas the Curate stood outside taunting me - I am sure he is a sockpuppet of Eccles. Luckily I was able to use Twitter to harass my enemies.

They say I'll be let out in time for Twelfth Night.

But blogs don't have to be about yourself, especially not religious ones. Many of them pick up on items of religious news: for example the popular Assist-The-Archbishop blog points out numerous examples of blasphemy, heresy and general nastiness which are seen to threaten the orthodoxy of the Catholic church, as personified in this country by Archbishop Vincent Nichols.

For those rejected by the Swiss Guard, there may be a role protecting archbishops.

So this is the sort of thing that Assist-The-Archbishop will warn its readers about:

COMMISSAR VOLPI TELLS FRANCISCAN FRIARS OF THE IMMACULATE "LEARN LITURGICAL DANCING OR IT'S BREAD AND WATER FROM NOW ON."

Headlines such as this will make your blog more interesting.

This one is genuine (from the Daily Mail), but could have been worded better.

Some well-known religious blogs have an inflexible party line, and need to be taken with a bucket of salt. After the twenty-fifth consecutive description of Pope Francis as a PINKO HOMO LIBERAL PERVERT MARTIAN ANTIPOPE on the famous Dealbabor blog, one begins to wonder whether its author is really a great admirer of the Holy Father. Especially since contrary comments are not allowed.

We now come to the more intellectual type of religious blog, which is usually written by a priest. I'm thinking here of Fr Hunwicke's Mutual Endowment Policy or Fr Finigan's Hermetic Continuity. To get the most out of such blogs it helps to have read Populorum Progressio, the works of Ovid, Inter Mirifica, etc. If your knowledge of Catholic doctrine is so hazy that you confuse the Assumption, the Immaculate Conception, the Annunciation, the Ascension and Christmas, then perhaps you should start with something a little less subtle.

The First Noele. Watched by Damian Thompson (R), Noele Gordon is persuaded to sing.

If you plan to write a dumbed-down blog for the masses, perhaps one with occasional references to religion and custard, then you may be able to find a national newspaper to support it. No particular examples spring to mind here.

In Part II we shall look at some further religious blogs, including ecumenical blogs with multiple authors, and of course some eccentric American blogs.

Royal pardon for Thomas Cranmer

Thomas Cranmer, the pioneer of "competing" with the Catholic Church, who was put to death for being an Anglican, has been given a Royal Pardon following a long campaign by his admirers.

Thomas Cranmer - was he unjustly convicted?

Nowadays, of course it is not illegal to be an Anglican - indeed, there are rumours that members of the Royal Family indulge in such practices - although it is still frowned upon in many circles. For example, a man was arrested recently for saying to a mounted police officer "Your horse is Anglican!" However, at the time when Cranmer died, it was still considered to be a serious offence against normal, decent, Catholic society. Cranmer's own history is particularly sad, for at one stage he "swung both ways" and attempted to give up Anglican practices: in the end however he "came out" and paid the price.

Proud to come out as Anglicans!

The Catholic Church has itself been criticised for attempting to compromise with Anglicans. There have been the notorious Warwick Street Masses, where "Anglican patrimony" has been celebrated as a result of Pope Benedict XVI's attempts to bring Anglicans back into the fold. Indeed, Pope Francis also has shocked traditionalists with his "Who am I to judge?" remarks, indicating that Anglicans who attempted to live a Catholic life should only be burned as a last resort.

The Church's Thesis - also a great influence on "competing".

On the whole, however, it is clear that Anglicans are being accepted more and more as "normal" members of society, especially since in many cases they are indistinguishable from ordinary secular people - the days when they would deliberately shock people by attending church services seem to be over for good. In this context, Cranmer's pardon (whether or not he was guilty of Anglicanism) is a natural reaction to a change in public opinion.

Modern ecumenical belief - part Buddhist, part Disney.

---

Meanwhile, a Happy Christmas to all readers!

Unfortunately, one of our kings seems to be a little on the tall side.

Vincent Nichols gets a new job

Congratulations to Archbishop Vincent Nichols of Westminster, who has been promoted to the Congregation for Bishops!

"And I don't want you appointing any self-absorbed promethean neopelagians!"

This is a great step forward for Archbishop Nichols, who has been making heroic attempts to show loyalty to Pope Francis in recent months, even going so far as to practise in front of the mirror some papal expressions such as "Who am I to judge?", "Women in the Church must be valued not 'clericalised'", and "I did not expect to be elected Pope".

A web page that ++Vin is said to consult daily.

It is certainly looking as though the archbishop's promotion to cardinal cannot be far away, even though his predecessor, the Eminence Grise, is still around and meddling serving to the best of his abilities. All eyes now turn to the English and Welsh dioceses, of which four or five are sede vacante, to see what the Congregation for Bishops recommends.

Thumbs up! I'll be an archbishop in no time!

Of course the big mystery is why such a "safe pair of hands" as Vincent Nichols never achieved preferment under Pope Benedict XVI. Could it have been the "gay" masses? The fact that ACTA was allowed so much freedom? Tina Beattie's lecture? Was it something he said? Was it lots of things he didn't say?

Did Benedict say "He'll be promoted when the Pyramids freeze over, and not before?"

Well, this is not the place for speculation. As our "new look" pope drops Cardinal Burke and takes on Archbishop Nichols, let us wish the Holy Father a happy 77th birthday, and a happy joint birthday party with the rock star Tommy Steele (also 77 today).

Come on, let's Bergoglio!

The Latin Mass

A manuscript attributed to the Franciscan Friars of the Immaculate.

The Friar asked 
His Superior,
Who spoke to 
The Commissioner:
"Could we please use 
Latin in
The Mass 
That we hold?"
The Commissioner, 
Named Volpi,
Said "No way, 
How dare you?
You may be Friars
Immaculate -
But you'll do just what 
You're told!"

And you can put that skull away, too!

"It's daft," 
Said the Friar,
"We can't have any 
Latin now."
"It's daft," 
Said his Superior,
"You heard what he 
Just said?"
"Look here," 
Said the Commissioner,
"We're giving up the 
Latin tongue.
From now on it's 
Shine, Jesus, Shine and 
Inwood (Paul) instead."

What Pope John-Paul II had in mind for the FFI.

The Friar said, 
"But surely -
The EF Mass is 
Valid still?
I've read 
Summorum Pontificum:
We're told it's  
All O.K."
The Commissioner said 
"Right, mate!
We're closing down 
The seminary.
We're sacking 
The Superior.
You'll do just as 
I say!"

You're fired!

"Gosh!" 
Said the Friar 
As he prayed a 
Fervent Rosary.
"Gosh!" 
Said his Boss, 
As he packed 
His bags.
"Nobody, 
Dear Lord, 
Would call me a 
Fussy man
But I do like a little bit of Latin in my Mass!"

This poem is incomplete, but a possible ending is the following:

There, there! He didn't really mean it.

The Pope said, 
"There, there!
He didn't really 
Mean it."
The Commissioner said 
"Oh Hell!
The Pope thinks 
I was wrong."
The Superior said 
"Ha ha!
Can I have my 
Job back?"
He unpacked 
His suitcase
And he burst 
Into song.

The Friar celebrates.

The Friar 
Was delighted,
When he heard 
His boss returning.
The Friar did
A handstand, 
And said
"Deo Gratias!"
"Nobody," he said,
As he turned 
A cartwheel,
"Nobody," he said,
As he slid down
The banisters,
"Nobody,
Dear Lord,
Could call me
A fussy man -
BUT
I do like a little bit of Latin in my Mass!"

With apologies to A.A. Milne.

The Screwball Letters

A letter from a senior demon to a junior one.

With apologies to C.S. Lewis, who else?

I wish Fr Z. would stop saying "Chap with wings there - five rounds rapid!"

Dear Slugknees,

I am writing in answer to your report on the Catholic woman you're looking after. Congratulations, you are really doing a great job of leading her away from the Enemy, and into the hands of Our Master! You mentioned that she is using Twitter: this is an excellent medium by which she can come into contact with our people. The more dangerous Catholics don't seem to have got their act together over there, so they are unlikely to have any effect on her.

"Cute" is not a word we recognise. Kill, kill, kill!

As you know, abortion was one of our great successes. We've persuaded the human race to kill its own kind, while arguing that it was a step forward in women's rights... and they fell for it! And now even some Catholics are buying into our story. I'm a regular subscriber to a magazine that describes itself as "Catholic", while many of its staff advocate the "right to choose" - oh, we haven't had so much fun leading people astray since they closed the concentration camps!

I've noticed that Twitter is full of pro-lifers repeating "I AM PROLIFE!!!!!! RETWEET IF YOU ARE TOO!!!!!" as if this were some sort of key debating point. Naturally, such behaviour simply irritates the more intelligent pro-lifers, and our friends don't even notice it.

Well, I'm so pleased that your woman has joined the "pro-choice" camp - or at least, she is trying to sit on the fence.

Don't worry about the small print - the Devil doesn't buy souls these days.

I gather that your Catholic woman is keen on same-sex "marriage" as well. Politicians, being on the whole self-centred creatures, are naturally allied to our cause, and the rush to legislate SSM is one of those things that's really warmed the heart of our Master (as he warms the hearts - well, bodies - of his human visitors!) With a little help from us, your woman has managed to make contact with a large number of people who define themselves by their sexual desires, without being in the least concerned about it. Of course, for us, same-sex relationships are completely natural, Slugknees, old chap - I gather that you yourself plan to get married to your boyfriend Wormspit next March?

#forgotmytrousersagain

Now, let's take a look at your woman's contributions to Twitter. These really are impressive: she is engaging in obsessive behaviour, has found a good Catholic wife and mother to stalk, harass and insult, and she is causing her a lot of pain. In this she's allied with a gang of atheists and part-time Catholics. The gang is serving us well: for example, some of them write blogs in which they tell everyone how holy they are, and how wonderfully they are serving the Enemy. Of course, they are really serving us, and every lie they tell is an extra victory for our side.

This is the sort of blog we like.

Anyway, keep up the good work: although your woman is self-centred and obsessive, she is totally unaware of that fact, and that's a point we can exploit. It's true that she's not the brightest person on Twitter, and she is easily manipulated, as well as being naturally bossy and bullying. Leading her to Our Master may be rather an easy task! But do be careful, Slugknees, she may make peace with those traditional Catholics she hates so much - the ones who still worry about Good and Evil. She may even start to listen to the teaching of her own Church. If she does that, she could end up being saved, and we will know who to blame, won't we, Slugknees?

Yours infernally,

Spiderspleen.

Oh no! Did you see what X just said on Twitter?

The Pilgrim's Ogress 5: The Spy who Saved Me

Continued from Part 4.

Ian Fleming takes up the tale.

"Get 007 over here at once," said F to his secretary, Cardinal Munnipenni. "He's the only person who can deal with this crisis. Tell him to leave his aunt behind - I will brief him on his own."

A few days later, Eccles arrived in Rome, having been flown in from a secret mission somewhere in South London. Ignoring flirtatious glances from Munnipenni (they still had a few such problems in the Curia) he went straight into F's office. "The name's Eccles, Brother Eccles," he exclaimed.

Pope Francis (sitting) briefs Eccles.

"Bless you, 007," said F. "I'm afraid we're out of dry Martini - he died last year."

"So I heard," replied "Eccles. I was shaken but not stirred by what he had to say."

"Now, we're sending you back to England on a special mission. According to the Protect Me blog, there have been a number of disturbing incidents in your country. A sinister organization called ACTA is determined to destabilize the Catholic Church, and we'll need you to go undercover and infiltrate it."

Tipped to be the next "Bond girl".

"What will it involve, sir?" asked Eccles. "Any good-looking girls that I can collaborate with?"

"Probably not this time, Eccles," said his boss. "Most of the members seem to be over 70 years old. Now, to join ACTA you will need to sign its mission statement, all about how you are inspired by the Second Vatican Council, but - and this is the important thing - there is a mysterious supplementary paragraph to sign up to, as well. This is top secret, and we don't know what it contains. We want you to get hold of a copy of it - it could be dynamite!"

"How do I make contact with ACTA?" asked 007.

"We have sent three other agents already, but they've all disappeared mysteriously. Probably they were spotted as being our people, because they didn't know the passwords or the funny handshakes; or maybe they rolled up the wrong trouser-leg. You'll need to be careful, Eccles."

"Anything else you can tell me, sir?"

"Yes, there have been one or two other mysterious incidents, recently. We don't know if they are related. For example, a priest who was supposed to interpret Catholic teaching in sign language turned out to be producing total gibberish."

Warning: total gibberish.

"Ah yes, I heard about him, poor fellow. Was there anything else?"

"It's a long shot, but at Saatchi and Saatchi in London they have put a blasphemous representation of Mary and Joseph on display. We don't know whether there's a link to ACTA."

Not Joseph and Mary.

"I'll get back to England straight away," promised 007.

"Before you go, drop in on C. He'll issue you with some equipment for your mission."

"C" with Zuhlsdorf^TM "Mors Vobiscum" liturgical beretta.

007 said his goodbyes to F, and went to see the man they called "C" or "Cormac".

"Now, Eccles, listen carefully," said C. "You'll be going in disguised as a priest. What I am giving you looks like a mobile confessional, but it is programmed to recognise voice patterns. Once someone says the words 'Miser Peccator', the confessional is flooded with an evil gas, sending the sinner to sleep."

The booby-trapped Portofess.

Thanking C for his gift, although wondering how he would ever persuade ACTA members to admit that they might have sinned, Eccles made his way back to England and rejoined his aunt.

To be continued by another writer.