Wednesday, 23 April 2014

Eccles-iastical rumours

Great excitement has been generated by rumours that the Pope told a divorced and remarried woman, Jacquelina Sabetta, that she was now allowed to take Communion. "Who am I to fudge?" he is said to have asked her. Without knowing whether or not this rumour is true, we should point out that many previous rumours about the Pope have been shown to be false, and caused by mistranslation, misreporting, misunderstanding or simply mischief. Here are some of the silliest.

Pope and Queen of Jordan

POPE TO MARRY A MUSLIM WOMAN.

Centuries of tradition, whereby the Pope, and indeed all priests, are forbidden to marry were supposed to have been upset recently when the Pope was seen talking to an attractive Muslim lady. Said the Queen of Jordan (for it was she), "Don't be silly, Damian (who he?), we are just good friends."

Pope and lamb

FRANCIS WASHES SHEEP'S FEET ON MAUNDY THURSDAY.

The Maundy Thursday ritual of washing feet was challenged this year when it was claimed that the Pope had extended it to animals. Said a spokesman, "It is true that the Holy Father might wash the feet of a primate, but only if it were Justin Welby."

Pope and boy

HOLY FATHER ADMITS THAT HE HAS A SON.

Despite the strong physical resemblance, it has been explained that these two popes are not related.

The rumour machine continues to grind on, with forecasts that Fr Alban McCoy would become the next bishop of Leeds (which has been sede vacante since Arthur Roche was packed off to Rome). Ten days have elapsed, and the good man still hasn't received the expected letter, so we must conclude that this bit of gossip was off the mark.

Dr McCoy

Dammit, Damian, I'm a doctor, not a bishop!

We were going to blog about St George's Day as we did last year, but apparently it has been moved, owing to a clash with Easter. Curiously, one Very Famous Person Indeed found it was possible to celebrate Easter and St George at the same time.

Christ and St George's flag

They always said God was an Englishman.

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4 comments:

  1. LeonG23 April 2014 at 16:27

    According to the first Epistle of Blake to the Anglo-Saxons in The New Testament we read, "And did those feet in ancient time
    Walk upon England's mountains green:
    And was the holy Lamb of God,
    On England's pleasant pastures seen!"
    Thus, objectively speaking, we may conclude by authoritative interpretation of Scripture using the historico-scientific methodology, God was definitely an Englishman (that is "was" until Tony Blair became a 'Catholic").

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  2. LeonG23 April 2014 at 16:28

    One is always a little 'tongue in cheek', as it were, these days when "men of the cloth" handle children.

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  3. LeonG23 April 2014 at 21:12

    Reassuring to see men in clean white uniforms leading little lambs to the slaughter.

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  4. Paul Hellyer26 April 2014 at 11:01

    Whoever becomes the new bishop of Leeds I think his first priority is to weed out and quarantine the homosexuals and their sympahisers of which Leeds has more than its fair share.

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