The Pope's next ten tips for a happy life

Following on from Pope Francis's Desiderata, or Ten Tips to Bring Joy into one's Life, of which a more detailed version can be found here, we are able to reveal the next ten tips, which didn't quite make the cut.

A happy pope.

11. Buy yourself a white suit. It makes you look smart, and is not as gaudy as some of those red clothes your friends tend to wear. At all costs avoid hats emblazoned with rainbow stripes, pictures of Pinocchio, or advertising slogans.

12. Watch lots of football (soccer). Of course this won't always bring happiness, as your team may occasionally lose the World Cup final to a bunch of stupid Germans. However, remember Acts 7:49: Heaven is my throne, and earth is my football. Not footstool - whoever heard of a round footstool?

13. Don't give interviews to journalists. I did, but I think I got away with it. But it's risky, as they make things up, and misunderstand things; generally, they don't report what you said, or what you think you said, or even what you think you meant to say, let alone what you think you wished you'd thought you meant to say.

An ace reporter, looking suspiciously like Dr William Oddie, gets a scoop.

14. Eat healthily. Drop into the canteen for pasta and fish occasionally! Don't sit alone in your palace eating yet another of Cardinal Dolan's suet puddings with extra lard.

15. Ride on buses. You may be tempted to take your private helicopter or your own "mobile" just to go downtown for a bag of sugar, but trust me, the bus is perfectly comfortable, and you won't have parking problems.

16. Listen to Beethoven. We like Beethoven. I tried Madonna on the recommendation of my friend Cormac, but she turns out not be as religious as I was led to believe. My friend Benedict prefers Mozart, which is also good.

Madonna and Lourdes (?!)

17. Release a dove from your window every so often. It's amazing how peaceful it makes you feel. Throwing hedgehogs out of the window at passers-by, as my friend Hans Küng recommends, really doesn't have the same effect.

18. Learn to dance the tango. It keeps you physically fit, and is a great way to praise You-Know-Who. It can be done at any time, even during Mass.

19. Make friends with the despised and the rejected. I was really thinking of Chris Patten here, but there are plenty of other failed politicians around who might be in need of a job, if you find something for them to do. Cleaning out the stables, that sort of thing.

The despised and rejected.

20. Chill out! Relax! Be happy!