The Prodigal Son

There was a man called George who had three sons. The eldest was called David, the second Patrick and the youngest Andrew. The youngest one said, "Father, give me a share of your estate." The father said "Actually, we only have a family debt, but you are welcome to take your share of that. No, I thought not. Still, you can take that can of oil that you found, together with anything else that is yours, such as the bottle of whisky and that dreadful set of bagpipes that you will insist on playing at all hours."

The youngest son steps out.

At this point we should point out that the youngest son was definitely in two minds about going. His heart told him to leave, even though his head told him it would be madness. Still, in the end he went, and soon squandered the few pounds he had been able to take with him; then he decided to print his own money, but it was not widely accepted, and indeed the expression "Bent as a five-salmond note" soon passed into common usage.

He therefore went to work for a farmer, and was sent into the fields to feed the haggises. He would have loved to have fed himself on the revolting porridge that these creatures ate, but none was given to him.

The taming of the haggis.

After a while he could take no more of this, and said "I will arise and go to my father, and say, 'Father, give me money and I will live with you.'" For this trick had worked in 1707 (did we mention that the youngest son was adopted?)

And his father saw him coming when he was still far off, and said "Bring my best pair of trousers and put it on him; for he cannot wear that dreadful kilt, as it frightens the cat. Also, let us kill the fatted calf and have a fatted Yorkshire pudding with it: anything but haggis, anyway."

... with fatted Eccles cakes to follow.

Now, the eldest son, David, was in the field, tending to the leek harvest, and singing strange ballades, as was his wont, and as he returned to the house he heard wondrous music: for the youngest brother had brought his bagpipes back with him, and was attempting to play James MacMillan's The Confession of Isobel Gowdie on them.

I thought pole dancing was naughtier than this.

And he was angry and said to his father, "In all the years I have been with you, I never caused half as much trouble as my young brother, and yet he gets a wild party."

And the father said, "Son, it was meet that we should make merry, and be glad: for this thy brother was lost, and is found."

And at that moment the youngest son popped his head round the door and said, "Thanks, Dad. Well, I'll be off again now..."

The prodigal son breaks the news to his father.