Sister Judy Piranha joins the blog

Coo-ee, Eccles!!?? Remember me from Damian Thompson's blog??!! I'm Sister Judy Piranha of the Catholic Nuns for Naughtiness, and it's WONDERFUL to be able to pour out my thoughts to your loyal readers!!?? Oh, the fun we had when HUNKY Damian Thompson wrote his WITTY blog for the Telegraph!!?? Remember how he used to mock Kieran Conry so CHEEKILY!!?? And Johann Hari??!! And Vincent Nichols??!! And where are they now, eh??!! All disgraced!!??

Sister Judy Piranha.

We in the Catholic Nuns for Naughtiness think this Synod on Sex is a great idea!!?? We're hearing lots of spicy stories about naughty Catholics!!?? Yes, they've found some typical Catholics in polytransgendered relationships to tell those old bishops a tale or two!!?? BUT Pope Francis sent me a VERY cold response when I asked if I could join the Synod!!?? Even though I offered to arrange a display of nude liturgical dancing in the coffee break!!?? Hmmph... some FUDDY-DUDDY Popes don't appreciate the Spirit of Vatican II, do they??!!

Perhaps we'll get a more favourable reply from Cardinal Gasbag - yes, that's you, I'm talking about, Mr Kasper!!?? Every time I telephone Cardinal Gasbag, he's BUSY giving another interview, all about how New Testament teaching makes his HEAD ache!!?? Well, of course it does, you chump!!?? The first rule of the Catholic Nuns for Naughtiness is that there are NO RULES, and we don't want any 1st Century MAN telling us what to do, even if He is the Son of God!!??

The Walter Kasper horror mask!!??

Yes, as a tribute to Cardinal Gasbag, little Judy has designed a mask to wear, so that you can jump out on your friends and shock them with new and naughtier Catholic doctrines!!?? And with Hallowe'en coming soon, the mask has another use!!?? We'll be wearing them in our devotions to the Sacred Catholic Pumpkin!!??

But enough of the Synod!!?? Little Judy's been looking at the Daily Mail!!?? And we're reading lots of stories of Mr Cuddles, the bishop who won't say no to WOMEN!!?? Now that he's leaving his Bishop's Pleasure-Dome, perhaps he'd like to stay with us in the Convent of Naughtiness??!! We're in his diocese!!?? And we'll have such FUN together!!?? Lots of the nuns would LOVE to confess their wicked ways to him!!??

Coo-ee!!?? Bishop!!??

Well, I must be going now!!?? I've got a column to write for the Tablet!!?? And Professor Tina Beattie is giving our nuns a talk tonight!!?? With EXPLICIT pictures!!?? Luckily she has no other engagements in the next decade!!?? I'm hoping that one day Tina will stop being an old CONSERVATIVE, and join us in the Catholic REVOLUTION!!?? Byeeeee!!??