Crowds flock to see religious leader

Professor Richard Dawkins today declared himself "delighted" after a vast cheering crowd of twelve people turned up to see him explain his latest contributions to theology in a lecture entitled "Religion makes my brain hurt." The professor modestly attributed his great popularity to his charm, wit, and civility towards his opponents, adding "Muslims make me puke!"

A triumph for rationalism, humanism, secularism and atheism.

Meanwhile, Tony Flannery, the Red Emptorist who is regarded as the unofficial leader of the Catholic Church Church in Ireland, is also reported to be attracting crowds of "nearly double figures." We asked him for the secret of his success and he replied "Mmmmmmpphhh", which, as a friend explained, means "I am afraid that the Vatican has asked me to remain silent, and as an obedient son of the Church I am therefore unable to make any comment."

A rare picture of Fr Flannery, ungagged.

Finally, Pope Francis declared himself "disappointed" after only six million people turned up to his Mass in the Philippines. He tried to put a brave face on it by blaming the bad weather, but it is clear that, as Granny Lucey, the 80-year-old woman who has ordained herself as a Catholic "priest" explained, "the church is dying."

Granny Lucey.

Those who attended the papal Mass were generally dissatisfied. Said one worshipper: "I was expecting to hear some exciting new Catholic doctrine about tortoises going to Heaven, or headbutting thy neighbour being allowed, and all I heard was traddy stuff such as 'Gloria in Excelsis Deo' and 'This is my Body', which any old priest could have said. What on earth was he thinking of?"

A massive failure for Pope Francis.