Pope introduces hair-washing rite for women

Pope Francis has shocked traditionalists with this week's twenth-ninth change to Catholic teaching and practice - introducing the rite of hair-washing for women on Holy Thursday.

"Hmm... those look like nits to me." The Pope washes a man's hair.

First reports suggested that the change would involve the washing of women's feet, although many women find this offensive, not least the implication that their feet are anything but clean and fragrant. However, the original letter signed by Cardinal Sarah (who, paradoxically, is not a woman, as far as we know) was in error: in fact this year, priests will be expected to offer a permanent wave to devout Catholic women.

The Vatican-approved rite is demonstrated at the Rosica hair salon.

There is some debate about the scriptural authority for head-washing (foot-washing was traditionally regarded as being for men only). Proverbs 25:22 does insist, "Thou shalt heap coals of fire upon his head, and the Lord shall reward thee," but this is not a formal recommendation, as the next verse says "Don't try this at home, folks!"

More relevant is Jeremiah 9:1, "Who will give water to my head, and a fountain of tears to my eyes?" which is pretty conclusive, and seems also to be warning against getting shampoo into the eyes of the faithful.

A possible side-effect of ritual hair-washing. No need for a mantilla!

Advice to priests reading this blog: VATICO clerical supplies^TM are offering a new product "Wash, pray'n' go", which is recommended for use in the Novus Ordo hair-washing rite. Buy now while stocks last!