Tuesday, 29 March 2016

Christian Values from David Cameron

As pointed out by the blogger Cranmer, David Cameron finally managed to come up with an Easter message this year - the No 10 website didn't manage one last year, just messages for Passover, Ramadan, Diwali, the Jedis' May the Fourth (be with you), the Flying Spaghetti Monster Pasta Sauce Festival, Beelezebub's Wedding Anniversary, Zeus's Great Feast, Thor's Jolly Smiting Day, The Giant Fish's Finny Festival, Baalmass, Ed Balls Day, and a few other non-Christian religious feasts of importance in our truly diverse society.

Easter Island statue

Something to do with Easter, surely.

Unfortunately, Cameron rather bungled it this year by not actually mentioning the Resurrection, but simply waffling on about Christian values, which are apparently "responsibility, hard work, charity, compassion and pride in working for the common good and honouring the social obligations we have to one another, to our families and our communities." Which are wonderful values, but not exclusively Christian.

Dave has now come up with a more profound list of Christian values, which he will mention in a greeting at Christmas. These include:

Brushing your teeth after meals;
Changing your socks daily;
Having a bath once a month whether you need it or not;
Helping little old ladies across the road, whether they want it or not;
Fastening your seat-belt in the car;
Voting to remain in the EU;
Supporting same-sex marriage.

After all, Christ and the disciples spoke of little else, did they?

Jesus preaching

"Blessed are ye if ye eat five portions of fruit and vegetables each day."

Meanwhile, I've been studying the Catholic list of corporal works of mercy in order to get further ideas. I'm not very good at most of them, but "Bury the Dead" is one where I do score highly: when my aunt poisoned a couple of visiting Jehovah's Witnesses last week, I got them underground before anyone could ask any embarrassing questions. However, in general I'm better at the spiritual works of mercy, which include shouting "heretic" at my neighbours.

digging

Remember: Jehovah's Witnesses are best in acid soils, political canvassers in alkaline.

I hope this helps, Dave.

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6 comments:

  1. Lepanto29 March 2016 at 19:34

    1. Bathing - Is that one bath per calendar month or one per four weeks?
    2. Socks - does rotating them between feet daily count as 'changing'?

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  2. LeonG29 March 2016 at 20:02

    Two other virtues that Cameron espouses are bombing Syria and Libya as well as equal rights for transvestism. What a wonderful man, indeed.

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  3. Jadis29 March 2016 at 23:07

    This is all part of a much more sinister plot. Why else would he have inflicted British Summer Time on us this Saturday - ensuring that had everyone turning up late for the Easter Vigil - then only getting 6 hours sleep before morning Mass?

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  4. Zephyrinus29 March 2016 at 23:43

    After many years of Blair's Indoctrination, I am STILL UNAWARE of what a "PORTION" is, with regard to, e.g., five PORTIONS of fruit.

    Is it FIVE APPLES or FIVE BITS of AN APPLE.

    Answers on a Sock, please (Washed and Changed regularly).

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    Replies
    1. Mary K1 April 2016 at 02:58

      Oh, I so hope it's the five bits! I could do that and still get to heaven maybe.... (otherwise I do find it hard to choke down lots of raw vegetation daily...) I have been given hope---I will do the bits, and hope for the best.

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  5. David Lindsay30 March 2016 at 00:07

    David Cameron's religious interventions are a bit dull. Even Margaret Thatcher's "the Good Samaritan was only able to help because he was rich in the first place" was surpassed at the Easter when Tony Blair expressed his sympathy for the predicament of Pontius Pilate. Cameron is simply not in that league.

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