"I did not meet the Forces of Darkness" claims Corbyn

There was further embarrassment for Jeremy Corbyn today over his dubious friendships, which apparently already include the IRA, Hamas, Hezbollah, and indeed almost any organization hating the UK. For it was claimed that Jezza had had amicable relationships with the Prince of Darkness and his minions.

Mephistopheles and Corbyn in negotiations.

Said Mr Corbyn, "No, I never met Mephistopheles, well, that is to say, yes we did have tea together, but we never negotiated the sale of my soul. You see, my adviser Diane Abbott had trouble getting to grips with the proposed financial arrangements. Anyway, all our discussions were aimed at promoting peace between the Forces of Good and the Forces of Evil. All right, I did go on a march in support of Satan, but I have a certain sympathy for him as a fallen angel; he tells me that he is excluded from Heaven by God, who is obviously a Tory, since He refuses to treat all people equally."

Was Jeremy Corbyn also an adviser to Stalin in the early 1950s?

Meanwhile, Theresa May is still expecting to win the General Election with her hard-hitting slogan "I may be a ghastly old bat, but at least I'm not Jeremy Corbyn."

The end of Islamic fundamentalism

We have been consulted by various Muslims, anxious to solve the problem of "rigid" "fundamentalist" Muslims, the sort who think that massacring kids is a pretty neat idea. Now at last we have the solution!

HOLD A MECCA II COUNCIL!

After 1400 years, it is clear that Islam does need a little updating. For a start, the prophet Mohammed will have to go. Just as Anglicans have abandoned Jesus Christ in favour of Henry VIII, and Catholics now worship Pope Francis (your mileage may vary), it is possible for Muslims to have a new universally-respected leader, and here he is:

Sadiq Khan, descendant of Genghis, and Mayor of London.

Of course, we do not propose to jettison the Koran, which is a truly holy book for Muslims, but a new "Good News Koran" has been commissioned, replacing the old "King James Koran", and making the more controversial passages more user-friendly. Out go references to slaying the infidel, and in come touch-feely Islamic teachings about giving them a pretty fierce telling-off when they are invited round for tea and cucumber sandwiches.

Bring on the clowns!

Clown Masses work so well for Catholics, that Mecca II is advocating something similar for Muslims. And balloons. And liturgical dancing. Out goes Arabic as the main language of the Islamic Church, and in comes "Vernacular". No longer will Islamic festivals all be celebrated on the same day, but, taking the lead from the Catholics, local churches will be able to celebrate Ramadan, Eid, etc., at a time convenient to the local Imam.

Of course we still need the agreement of the more old-fashioned Islamic Churches - we don't regard the ISIS people as heretics, merely as slightly "traddy" - but there should be no serious difficulties in modernising Islam.

Paul Inwood - his Allahu Akbar Ch-Ch will be heard in mosques around the world.

What will happen when Donald meets Francis?

An in-depth analysis by Austen Ivereigh, the man who has the Pope's ear; with additional material by Massimo Faggioli, the man who has the Pope's false teeth, and Antonio Spadaro, the man who has the Pope's sockpuppets.

As quoted in CNN, the Guardian, CRUX, the Luton Budgie-fancier's Gazette and all other leading news sources.

Austen Ivereigh.

Nobody knows Pope Francis like I do, having written the definitive biography of the great man. I have also looked up Donald Trump on Wikipedia, and apparently he is the President of the United States of America, as well as a ballet dancer of no mean abilities (memo: check this on a more reliable web site). And the question that everyone is asking me, is, Austen, why don't you belt up for once? Austen, what will happen when these two titans meet?

Will Pope Francis go straight for the jugular, attempting to strangle Donald Trump? Will he poison his coffee? Will he drop a sixteen-ton weight on him? All these are things that a pious saintly Catholic such as Francis may feel obliged to do, to maintain the purity of the Vatican.

One possible outcome, but - in my analysis - not the most probable.

Trump of course is another strong personality who doesn't like being messed around. Will he come to the aid of the Sovereign Order of Malta by getting his CIA agents to intern the Pope as a war criminal? Will he activate the Palantir of Melania, causing all the secrets of the Vatican - including the answers to the five dubia - to be revealed once and for all?

Donald Trump activates the Palantir of Melania.

Well, you may think so, but we Catholic experts think otherwise. There will probably be an embarrassed silence, until Francis asks one of his valued aides, such as Cardinal Parolin, "Who is this man with the funny hair?" On being told that it is the American president, Francis will summon his trusted adviser, Fr James Martin LGBTSJ, to advise him. Fr Jim will take one look at Trump and run screaming from the room. Trump will attempt to break the ice by saying "I've always been an admirer of yours, Pope Benedict, your saintliness."

Once both parties have worked out who the other is, they will exchange gifts. Francis will give Donald a copy of Amoris Laetitia, and the President will give the Pope a model of the Statue of Liberty, They will shake hands, and pose for photos, and that will be it. No discussion of political issues, as neither of them can bear to be contradicted.

From the Leader of the Free World to the Leader of the Saved World.

© Austin Powers, 2017

Pope Francis affected by ransomware virus

It was finally admitted this week that Pope Francis had been hit by the ransomware virus - which scrambles data and makes it incomprehensible - a fact that commentators see as explaining many of the statements coming out of the Vatican recently.

"I can save your pictures of cats, but the Magisterium is lost forever."

For example, a recent statement that the Corpus Christi procession would be moved to Sunday, "to cause less inconvenience in Rome", was obviously nonsense - only the English and Welsh bishops would do something as silly as this. In fact it was a result of the papal diary being encrypted by the virus, and having to be reconstructed from memory. Pope Francis has no intention of changing his official policy of causing inconvenience to people, which includes dropping in on random houses in Rome to bless them when the family would rather be watching Dr Who.

"Everyone who reads Amoris Laetitia wants to commit suicide, Doctor."

For Jesuits, releasing statements that cannot be deciphered - or, more commonly, can be deciphered in any way you wish - is all part of the training. However, it turns out that the ambiguities in Amoris Laetitia were not simply Jesuit waffling, but a direct result of attempting to reconstruct the decisions of the Synods on the Family from corrupted data.

Software experts - Engineers Burke, Sarah and Müller included - have spent months attempting to make sense of AL, and they believed that by sending five questions to Pope Francis they could determine what the uncorrupted version of AL was supposed to have said. However, the questions mysteriously vanished from the papal discs, and Pope Francis is embarrassedly trying to pretend they never existed.

Pope Francis presents a copy of his book The Great Sycophant to his hero, Austen Ivereigh.

Over at Crux, the virus has clearly struck Austen Ivereigh, whose writings are becoming more and more deranged, as he submits garbled copy without even attempting to make it meaningful. And to think that this man was once the Voice of Catholicism, with the power to makes popes tremble!

Another victim of the virus is of course our old friend Fr James Martin SJ, whose electronic copy of the Bible was reduced to disconnected fragments, from which he ended up drawing all sorts of nonsensical conclusions about Mary Magdalene being the Church and Jesus being taught a lesson by a Canaanite woman. Luckily he has found a new career in comedy.

Still, the news is not all bad. Pope Benedict XVI (retired) is backing Cardinal Sarah, whose own data is mercifully as clear as the day it left Heaven.

"Have you tried switching the Pope off and on again?"

Reversing "Resurrexit"

Note for foreign readers: Tim Farron is the leader of the Liberal Democrats, the party of Gladstone, Lloyd George, etc., which has now fallen on hard times. Officially an Evangelical Christian (Anglican), Tim found that his orthodox views on same-sex marriage and abortion offended the secular consensus that dominates the UK, and so, when asked, he dropped them. Now read on - or don't, of course.

Tim Farron, widely tipped to be the next Prime Minister, gave a solemn promise today that he would reverse "Resurrexit", the historic event in the 1st century that redeemed mankind from the slavery of sin. "Of course I don't think that I can physically locate Jesus and push Him back into His tomb," he admitted, "but we never wanted a 'hard' Resurrexit, with Satan defeated and the powers of Hell put to flight. We expected 'business as usual', so I shall do all I can to reverse the consequences of that ill-advised decision."

Farron went on to explain that being an Anglican did not prevent him from having his own views on Good and Evil, and, frankly, Evil had a lot of points in its favour. "Christians accept that Satan exists, and we support the Right to Choose - to choose whether to back Satan's very attractive, and may I say, liberal, programme, or whether to go for the more authoritarian approach of bowing down to some unelected God."

Vote Farron!

The BBC, in particular, is very pleased to hear of Farron's change of heart, and his manifesto commitments to repeal the Ten Commandments ("Adultery is a long-standing Liberal tradition") and the Beatitudes ("'Blessed are the pure of heart, for they shall see God'? This didn't go down well with our focus groups.") Said John Humbug, the Radio 4 presenter, "Old-fashioned teaching like this has no place in the modern BBC - which is what really matters - and Tim would have had no chance at all of winning if he'd stuck to his principles."

Since Prime Minister Theresa May (Anglican), Jeremy Corbyn (Marxist with a dash of Islam) and Nicola Sturgeon (Only Scots go to Heaven) are broadly in agreement with Tim Farron on moral issues, it appears that there are no votes to be won this time round by considering questions of Good and Evil.

"Tim Farron's not going to like this, My Lord."

Eccles sees an apparition at Medjugorje

Pope Francis has expressed doubts about the alleged apparitions at Medjugorje, but we on this blog tend to show more love and mercy, so I took a Medjugorje Holiday, advertised as "SEE YOUR OWN PERSONAL APPARITION, AT A TIME CONVENIENT TO YOU, OR YOUR MONEY BACK". Note that the claims of Medjugorje are really spectacular - SIX kids and NINE secrets - making Fatima, in comparison, seem as ordinary as Luton.

Having a lovely apparition. Wish you were here.

What the Holy Father really thinks is that the apparitions are nasty wicked things, probably the fault of Cardinal Burke and his sock-puppets, although he is not yet ready to say this definitively. Anyway, I checked into the Hotel Apparitio (2 star), and requested an apparition for midnight.

I prepared myself with some spiritually nourishing reading, namely Amoris Laetitia, the Da Vinci Code, and Bosnian for Dummies (just in case MY apparition didn't speak English). Also a good bottle of Château Karadžić plonk ("The wine for war criminals").

Father Ted Karadžić, a local priest.

Anyway, at midnight precisely there was a knock on the door, a voice announced "Your apparition, sir!" and in walked an old lady.

Now, I think the Pope has hit the nail on the head here, as this apparition is totally unlike the Blessed Virgin Mary in all respects.

My personalized apparition.

She didn't have much of a message for me, just muttering "Got any gin, Eccles?" before she reeled out again. But... but... she did turn up at midnight, and she did address me directly. Makes you think, doesn't it?

But what can the message mean? Gin... spirit... Holy Spirit... spirit of Vatican II... juniper berries... Jupiter... Barnabas (Acts 14:12)... it's all too deep for me.

I returned home spiritually nourished, but I don't know what it was all about. No wonder the Pope is baffled.

Colbert tells a joke, and Fry is prosecuted

The world was in shock this week when it was revealed that Stephen Colbert, the leading Catholic and bosom friend of Fathers Martin and Rosica, had told a joke.

Spot the comedian!

An angry fan protested: "I have been a watcher of the Dead Show since the days of David Letterbox, and I was told that when Stephen Colbert took it over, he would maintain the tradition of hurling insults and dirty innuendos at Christians, Conservatives, and anyone else who didn't buy into the liberal secular consensus of Hillary Clinton, Planned Parenthood, etc. But now he has actually told a joke!"

"I was on this show for 94 years, and they still haven't gotten any curtains for the windows."

Colbert's joke, admittedly an old one, went like this:

Two Jesuit novices both wanted to smoke cannabis while they prayed. They decided to ask their superior for permission. The first asked, but was told no. A little while later he spotted his friend smoking cannabis. "Why did the superior allow you to smoke cannabis, but not me?" he asked. His friend replied, "Because you asked if you could smoke cannabis while you prayed, and I asked if I could pray while I smoked cannabis!"

Fr James Martin SJ is an old friend of Colbert and a Vatican consultant on theology. His input to Pope Francis's next apostolic exhortation What Laetitia did next, correcting various errors in the New Testament, will be greatly valued. Jim was also horrified at this betrayal. "I expected Stephen to make some harmless allegations about homosexual intercourse between Trump and Putin," he explained. "These would have offended nobody, indeed at our Jesuit Community of New Heresies we would have been delighted. But then he starts introducing inappropriate elements such as humour into his monologues."

"Blah blah blah Trump blah blah blah."

Meanwhile on the other side of the Atlantic, trouble is brewing for Stephen Fry, the comedian, actor, television presenter, author, activist, polymath, Renaissance man, brain surgeon, celebrity chef, nuclear scientist, composer, lion-tamer, plumber, jockey, that's enough things that Fry does badly... Under ancient Irish anti-boredom laws he is to be prosecuted for causing excessive tedium, having driven several people into a coma by droning on with his infantile views on religion. These are basically at the level of "If I can't get my own way on everything, I'll thcweam and thcweam until I'm thick. That will make God buck his ideas up a bit. Not that He exists of course."

Stephen Fry's son Elliott reassures him that he is really a very interesting person.

Curiously, Fry's views on God - namely that He has got things wrong and can learn a lot from us humans - are not all that different to Fr Martin's. Oh my goodness, perhaps he IS James Martin. No, they can't both be so ubiquitous, can they?

The Catholic Education Service gives advice to St Custard's

Yes, it is me e.g. nigel molesworth the curse of st custard's which have now become a cathlic skool cheers cheers. We are now seeing a few changes, as mr braber of the cathlic educashun service hav sent headmaster GRIMES some giudlines on bullyin wot was written by STONEWAIL and the aqueerness centre chiz chiz.

nigel, I want you to pay attenshun to the giudlines chiz.

It seme that ordinarry bullyin e.g. tuoghin up the new bugs behind the bike sheds is still all right. Pater say that havvin his head stuck down the tiolet every day made him the man he is now, and I can beleive that. No, the thing to aviod is HOMERPHOBBIC bullyin or HATE CRIM. Apparently it is all right if poeple like stephen frye hate cathlics but if we protest about the gay maffia it is hate crim.

Mr zullsdorf the lattin teecher make hillarious joke e.g. molesworth it is lucky we dont do GREKE as you would be homerphobbic as well as vurgilphobbic plinnyphobbic ceasarphobbic and all the other lattin wedes ha ha. But in fact we gotta take these giudlines very serouisly, as I will explane my deres.

this is my bro, molesworth 2, doin some homerphobbic bullyin.

As is well known my horibble bruvver molesworth 2 like to play fairy bells on the skool paino, until skool dog go mad and bite father rossica the chaplin as he sit in his room droolin over the tabblet. Now mr braber's giudlines say that the word FAIRY is homerphobbic, and so moleworth 2 is asked to play something more senssitive e.g. ELTON JHON's song that he sing to his kids, where's your muvver gone crappy crappy cheap cheap.

Next, my grate frend peason got six of the best from grimes for saying that my traners were a bit gay, for that is also an example of homerphobbic bullyin as any fule kno.

a wet and a wede.

But wot you may ask of fotherington tomas who say hullo clouds hullo sky and is the biggest sissy in the skool? It turn out that he is alreddy married with five kids, which is pretty good for an 11-year old, so we can pass over this hastily, it remind me of the time that armand MACCRON the french exchange boy ran off with prudence entwistle the undermatron and I think he is now doin quite well in french politicks.

Well I can see that we at st custards are goin to have to work hard to obey mr braber's giudlines. We are bein specially tollerant right now as sigismund the mad maths master have decided he want to TRANSISHUN and become a gurl and we should now refer to him as brunnhilde he is goin to dress up as a VALCURRY and hit poeple wih an axe so no change there.

sigismund, or rather brunnhilde chiz chiz.

God announces retirement

Following the lead of Prince Philip (95), who is regarded as a god by the people of Vanuatu, God the Father Almighty (regarded on this blog as the only true god) has also announced His retirement at the age of 6021 plus infinity.

The Bishop of Vanuatu.

A spokesman said, "Most of God's best work was done in Old Testament times, when floods, smiting, fire and brimstone, plagues of boils, etc. were expected of a god. Now that love, mercy and general niceness have come into fashion, He feels it is time to let His Son take a more prominent role in things for a few millennia, taking a back-throne. In preparation for this, the family business was rebranded as Christianity two thousand years ago, rather than יהוה (which, frankly, only appealed to the Israeli market).

The destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah. Now regarded as a homophobic hate crime.

Other religions have found it difficult to persuade their deities to perform public functions, such as state visits, opening of supermarkets, etc. Prince Philip has always been willing to utter words of wisdom such as "You're too fat to be an astronaut," "How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough?" and "Aren't most of you descended from pirates?" but other gods have remained relatively silent. Only Pope Francis can match Prince Philip's ability to fire off insults at the faithful.

To take another example, Allah, although he started promisingly by dictating an exciting book to Mohammed, all about what a jolly good idea it would be to smite the infidel, has not given much evidence of following up on this, and indeed promises of sherbet and virgins in Paradise have been referred to the Advertising Standards Authority.

The tiger god - believed to be in retirement already.

Recent events in the Vatican have suggested that even letting God the Son run things is a bit old-fashioned, especially since His teaching on marriage etc. has been questioned by so many high-up Catholics (the Anglicans abandoned it long ago, along with the idea of a male priesthood). That only leaves one member of the Trinity waiting in the wings: letting the Holy Spirit drive for a while would have the great advantage that He (or She, according to the great theologian Fr James Martin SJ), has never actually said anything "rigid" in black and white: thus anyone can make up his own doctrine. Indeed, this is already happening.

When the bishop's away...

I regularly monitor the "Bishop's Engagements" page of the Catholic media, just to keep an eye on our lads, and make sure that they are not participating in any gay masses, clown masses, asparagus festivals, surreptitious 'ordination' of women, Freemason parties or chats with ACTA. However, this week's notices are rather dull, as our shepherds are all away at the Bishops' Conference in Palazzola, Rome.

Getting ready for a hard week's bishoping.

In fact, the way the bishops describe their absence is very revealing. In decreasing order of holiness we find "Attends Spring Plenary Meeting and Retreat, Palazzola, Rome" / "Bishop's Conference, Palazzola" / "Pub crawl, Palazzola" / "Wild orgy, Palazzola". But the fact remains, THEY ARE ALL AWAY THIS WEEK.

This is my chance to take over the Catholic Church in England and Wales while nobody is looking.

Eccleston Square, headquarters of the bishops.

After a bit of consultation on Twitter, I came up with the following changes that seemed worth making:

1. Restore the Holy Days of Obligation to their original dates, rather than pushing them off to the nearest Sunday. Thus Ascension Day and Corpus Christi return to Thursday, and Ed Balls Day (April 28th) and Star Wars Day (May 4th) to the days on which they actually should fall. All plans to move Good Friday and Christmas to Sunday are to be cancelled.

2. Implement Vatican II, not the Spirit of Vatican II. So the altars will conveniently be moved so that the priest can face God, rather than have his back to Him. Latin will become the principal language of the liturgy, thus removing all debates about translations. Obviously statements such as "There is coffee afterwards in the Annibale Bugnini Memorial Hall" may be made in English, although we may choose to rename the hall.

3. The complete and utter banning of hymns by Paul Inwood, Kevin Mayhew, Damian Lundy, Bernadette Farrell, Graham Kendrick, Estelle White, William McGonagall, etc.

"The world is full of smelly feet." Banned from Mass. [click to enlarge]

4. All mention of Amoris Laetitia to be banned until Pope Francis condescends to tell us what it's about by answering the Dubia.

5. The instant excommunication of women 'priests', people who 'ordain' women as 'priests', people who campaign for women to be 'ordained' as 'priests', etc. Oh, and let's close down Roehampton's Department of Human Studies and Catholic Flourishing just to be on the safe side.

How many errors can you spot in this picture?

Of course, when Cardinal Nichols returns from Rome and discovers that the Church has become unrecognisable in his absence, he's likely to be a little bit cross, but think how much good it will do him.