Pope Francis approves electronic tagging for clergy

As reported by Rorate Caeli, the Vatican is taking steps to keep its cardinals under control; if one of them is absent from Rome he is asked to let the Secretariat know where he is.

Sensors indicate that Cardinal Burke is hiding somewhere round here.

In phase 2, it is planned to extend this to all clergy, with the introduction of electronic tagging using the TAGLE^TM: this is a white collar worn round the neck, and if you see any priests so dressed, you can be sure that they are already under surveillance.

The Vatican's main computer AMORIS (Analytical Machine for Organizing Radically Innovative Services) will process the data transmitted by priests and bishops worldwide, and flag up any signs of "rigid" practice. For example, the tag will be able to detect whether the priest is facing east for an extended period of time, and warn the Pope that an Extraordinary Form Mass may be taking place. In addition, a smoke detector fitted to the tag will record the excessive use of incense.

A rigid priest. No chance of promotion if this gets out!

Priests who wish their masses to find favour with the Pope are recommended to move around a lot, perhaps in some form of liturgical dance, as the tag will detect this and transmit a signal saying "It's OK, this priest is one of us". Also the tag will detect (and approve) the use of hymns with particularly banal rhythms and harmony, especially those containing clapping and words such as "Ch-ch". On the other hand, sounds of Gregorian chant will set off a persistent high-pitched whistling from the tag. You have been warned, Father.

"Nothing can block the signal!" A model shows off the Rosica version.