Has the Second Coming already happened?

Today's Gospel explained that nobody knows when to expect Christ's Second Coming. The newly-discovered Book of the Prophet Iveriah presents one particular theory: What if the Second Coming has already taken place?

... and he will return to judge and insult the quick and the dead...

Only a fragment of the prophecy survives, but what there is, is fairly definite.

1. And when the Saviour returns he will appear in the humble town of Buenos Aires in the land of gauchos and corned beef.

2. And he will take control of his Church gradually, appearing in a cloud of glory - or at least, white smoke - having been led to the throne of Peter by the four horsemen of the Apocalypse - Murphy-O'Connor (Confusion), Martini (Scandal), Kasper (Heresy) and Danneels (Corruption).

3. His reign will on Earth will last for many years, and be a time of great trouble.

The St Gallen Mafia will make us an offer we can't refuse.

4. For he will explain the scriptures, and bring out new meanings that were never found by the previous occupants of the throne of Peter.

5. And his lowly servants, bearing the names Spadaro, Martin, Faggioli, and many others, will explain that doctrine has evolved, and that which was Gospel Truth in the land of Judaea two thousand years ago is no longer "hip", "cool" and "groovy" (in the language of Vatican II). In short it must be replaced.

6. Thus there will be a New Testament, to be called Amoral Latitude, which will deliver a new message, but in as confusing a way as possible.

7. For the Saviour will not wish that the theologians and moral philosophers go out of business, by actually saying something clear and unambiguous.

8. For what else can they do? They cannot dig, and to beg they are ashamed. So they must continue to preach.

And all the World will rejoice. Or not.

9. And there will come doubters unto the Saviour, who will ask him what he means, and whether he really intended to contradict all the previous occupants of the Chair of Peter.

10. And he will utter not a word in answer, while at the same time stressing in his speeches the importance of dialogue.

11. But he will privily let it be known that his words are Magisterial, and of course much more Magisterial than anything previously seen.

Offer does not apply to Cardinal Burke, the Filial Correction prophets, nor Fr Weinandy.

12. And people will speak out, saying "Surely he has gone mad?" and "Surely, he is an heretic?" and "What the Francis was all that about?"

13. But one day he will simply disappear, and the people will marvel, saying: "Was he really the Messiah, or did he just think he was?"