Pope appoints a new leader for China

In return for Pope Francis's generous gesture in allowing the Chinese government to sack validly ordained Catholic bishops and appoint its own rather dodgy nominees (the "Henry VIII" option), Xi Jinping has agreed to step down as General Secretary of the Communist Party of China, President of the People's Republic of China, and Chairman of the Central Military Commission (also, Lord High Everything Else), to allow the Holy Father to appoint his own nominee.

Fa-go Li*, tipped as the new President.

*Chinese for "bean shoots", number 47 on the menu.

It has been agreed that nobody in holy orders will be allowed to take up the post, and so those eminent Chinese Par-o Lin, Ro-si Ca, Spa-da Ro, and Ji-ma Tin (among others) are excluded from this prestigious post. Among the Chinese laymen available, it seems that Fa-go Li and I-va Ree will fit in best with the Communist ethos required.

Meanwhile Cardinal Zen has admitted that he is in fact a Buddhist and not a Catholic at all. The faithful were becoming suspicious when in Masses he always began with "If the Lord is with thee, it is Zen. But if the Lord is not with thee, that is Zen too," and moved on to the "One hand clap" of peace. Since many leading members of the Catholic Church are in fact Lutherans, and Vincent Nichols is a Hindu, this has not come as any great shock.

It began as a "set meal for 13" but then...

The power struggle between those sinister Chinese, Fa-go Li and I-va Ree, for the supreme leadership is likely to be furious, and we may expect to see bloodshed before a decision is taken. Little Bo-Bi Mik was also expected to throw his hat in the ring, but since he is currently very very cross with Pope Francis about what happened in Chile, it is unlikely that Pope Francis will back him.

Support I-va Ree, he's got a proper Chinese suit!

Meanwhile, Tee-na Bee, Catholicism's leading laywoman (well, after that Plou-men woman), is furious that she is not being considered for high office. But let's face it, Tee-na, women just don't get the jobs they deserve!