Christine Blasey Ford attempts to stop canonizations

The canonizations of Pope Paul VI and Oscar Romero were interrupted today, when a wild-looking woman rushed into St Peter's Square claiming to have been assaulted by the duo back in the 1980s.

"They spiked my drink - this drink."

It was pointed out to Dr Ford that Pope Paul VI died in 1978, and Archbishop Romero in 1980, but she was unrepentant. "It must have been some other pro-life Catholic - who have you got?" she asked. "Perhaps that Polish guy. Shall we go for him?"

Pope Francis is now under pressure to get the VBI (Vatican Bureau of Investigation) to check the history of Pope Paul VI, and Oscar Romero, especially as neither has been properly scrutinised so far. The VIA (Vatican Intelligence Agency) may also be involved, but it is currently very busy trying to track down Archbishop Viganò with a view to terminating him with extreme prejudice.

"Remember, you are licensed to kill."

LATE NEWS: Dr Ford has now changed her story, and is very uncertain about whether she ever met any popes, or ever went to El Salvador. But she says that today she was admiring some papal tombs in Rome when a hand came out of one of them and pinched her on the backside. She is not sure which pope it was who assaulted her, but thinks it may have been Alexander VI, who is known to have had an eye for the girls. This is likely to set back his canonization by another 500 years.