Brexodus 16 - the 650 ways of leaving EUgypt

Continued from Chapter 15.

1. After her triumph against the hosts of Jacob Gogg-Magogg in the month of December, Maysis said privily to herself, "Thou hast done well in thy battle against the Conservatites, but now cometh a greater challenge."

2. Thus when the new year came, she went to the House of Common People, saying, "Behold a wondrous deal that hath been negotiated by the Pharaoh Juncker after tough discussions with his ministers, Don-ald Ivereigh-Tusk and Michael Bar-nier."

3. "And when they showed me the fruit of their negotiations, I signed at once, for they said there was no need to read it."

Maysis in EUgypt planneth a Backstab.

4. Thus the House of Common People voted on the deal proposed by the EUgyptians, as follows:

5. "Behold, we have a deal. Will those who think it is slightly silly, shout 'AYE!', and will those who think it is very silly, shout 'NO!'?"

6. And Lo! Maysis lost her vote, for the number of NO voters exceeded the number of AYE voters by eleven score and ten.

7. So Maysis spake out, saying "Shall we try this again with a House of Common People's vote?"

8. But the Corbynites were displeased, saying, "We have no confidence in thee, O Maysis." Thus there was indeed another vote, but this time Maysis escaped her doom.

Ber-cow the Speaker is given a tie of many colours as a sign of favour.

9. And there were many other votes in the House of Common People, after which it was agreed that there were six hundred and fifty different ways in which the children of Bri-tain might leave EUgypt, but each one was supported by precisely one person.

10. Meanwhile, the EUgyptians said "Let us launch a charm offensive against the people of Bri-tain."

11. So the great prophet Don-ald Ivereigh-Tusk spake out, to warn the people of a special place in Hell for those who wished to leave EUgypt without a deal. For he said unto them, "There shall be a wailing and gnashing of tusks."

12. Then Don-ald was joined in the charm offensive by another prophet, Guy Ver-Jehoshaphat, who said, "I doubt if Lucifer would welcome them, for they would divide Hell."

13. And this was the dawn of a new way of speaking, which is nowadays called diplomacy.

Don-ald and Guy discuss the special places of Hell.

14. However, the story endeth not there. For, as the people of Bri-tain tried to decide whether to leave without a deal, to leave with a bad deal, to remain in EUgypt, to vote again, or indeed to delay the 50th article, there arose a new leader, named Chukhas Ur-money.

15. Now Chukhas was joined by six other Labourites, who spake out to Cor-byn, saying "We wish to remain, so we are going to leave. Also, we do not wish to be confused with the Independence Party, so we shall call ourselves the Independent Party."

16. And soon many others flocked to Chukhas, from the Corbynites and also from the Conservatites.

17. Therefore, those who thought they knew what was going on, now discovered that they did not. And this included Maysis.

A mighty army ariseth.

Continued in Chapter 17.

Father Rosica is saved

Following accusations of repeated plagiarism, Fr Thomas Rosica of the Satan Lite media corporation has made a statement:

"I totally deny these accusations of plagiarism. I am a writer of great originality, as can be seen by the list of projects I am working on:

'What a coincidence! I've never heard of McCarrick either!'

1. A 'Rosica is saved' blog, in which I take a spiritually nourishing look at religion. For example, I am currently running a 'World Cup of Bad Catholic Journalists' in which people are invited to decide between Ivereigh, Lamb, Martin, Mickens, Reese, Spadaro, Winters etc. Not me, of course!

2, A new 'Father R's blog', where I also sell 'Fabulous Friar' coffee, and answer QUAERITURs such as 'A highly-revered "Catholic" voice thinks that God may be a homosexual. Can you recommend a good psychiatrist?' Also I RANT occasionally - usually when my anger-management class is cancelled.

'Why do you say that Our Lord wasn't an atheist?'

3. A 'Continuity of Hermeneutics' blog. I got the idea of writing this while taking a holiday in Margate.

4. 'Father Rosica's Liturgical Notes' in which I write very learned things that you won't understand.

5. A book called 'Building a viaduct', in which I explain that 'gay sex' should be encouraged as much as possible. Especially among Jesuits.

6. Another project that occurred to me was to write a piece called Amoral Letitia, or Adultery made simple. That hasn't been done yet, has it?

'Hmm... this reminds me of something, Tom.'

7. I thought I might also take some large chunks of the Bible and Catholic Catechism, and string them together in a Manifesto of Faith. I'm surprised that nobody ever thought of doing that!

8. There are more theological works in the pipeline: The Impersonation of Christ, Confessions of a Priest, Summa Holidaya, the Apocalypse of St Rosie ...

I am grateful to Eccles for allowing me to put the record straight. And so is my brother Bosco."

What does a Camerlengo do?

The purpose of this blog is to provide education as well as spiritual nourishment, and many readers have asked me, "What is a camerlengo? Is it some sort of sexual practice known to Cardinal Coccopalmerio? Is it one of Massimo Faggioli's favourite ice creams? Is it an obscure papal garment like a fanon?"

Well nearly. When a cardinal is widely-respected and trusted, perhaps because he lived with Cardinal McCarrick but never actually met him, he may be appointed to the position of camerlengo.

Some widely-respected cardinals.

The camerlengo's duties really begin when a Pope dies, and his first task is to check that the Pope is really dead (and not simply resting, like Benedict). "WAKE UP, POPEY, I'VE GOT A NICE CUP OF TEA FOR YOU!" he shouts, perhaps hitting the possibly-deceased with a small hammer called a farrell. Another test that can be applied is to ask the presumed ex-pope some questions, called Dubia, which no pope can refuse to answer.

All right, let's suppose that all tests have failed, and that the Pope is really dead. We have to get a new one! Now democracy isn't necessary the traditional way to go about this - for, remember that when Judas was disgraced, he purchased a field, and fell over, so that his bowels gushed asunder (Acts 1), and it was not long before the lot fell upon Matthias.

But let us suppose that we are going to have a papal conclave. Then the camerlengo has to organize it. He kicks the seminarians out of the cardinals' beds (where applicable), locks up the supplies of drugs, and in general does all he can to make the participating cardinals look like holy princes of the church.

"Come on, Cocco, get that lampshade off your head and try and look holy."

What goes on in the conclave is a solemn secret, and we can only get to hear about it from tweets sent out by the cardinals.

Someone nominated Cupich! LOL

Send in more gin, I can't take much more of this!

The last time the St Gallen Mafia put a horse's head in my bed, 
but they're being very quiet this time.

All in all, camerlengo is an important position: not exactly acting Pope, but still not one that you want to give to anyone who was in the least tainted by scandal. So we are greatly relieved that Kev the Rev has got it, and the last laugh will be Pope Francis's.

Guess who the new camerlengo is!

"Gotcha!" says Cardinal Müller

With a fine piece of trolling, Cardinal Müller, formerly of the CDF, has managed to leave egg on the faces of a variety of commentators, including Cardinal Kasper, Professor Massimo Faggioli, and Austen Ivereigh-Tusk.

Explained Müller to us: "I am on a hit list of cardinals whose every word will be attacked by those whose mouths are bigger than their brains (others on the list include Burke and Sarah). I therefore produced my "Manifesto of Faith", consisting of excerpts from the Bible and the Catholic Catechism (documents with which my critics aren't very familiar), knowing that some people would jump on them."

I was hoping to catch Cupich as well, but so far he hasn't fallen for my trap.

Cardinal Kasper made some interesting comments, likening Müller to Martin Luther (actually, Wally probably thinks this is a compliment), and also moaning about half-truths and blanket statements. ("Jesus said that a man can only have one wife. This is a half-truth, as in fact he can have two!" said Kasper, sticking straws in his hair.)

Another commentator, Philip Pullella, decided that Müller's insistence on Catholic doctrine was a "thinly-veiled attack on the Pope". It is true that the Manifesto starts with "Let not your heart be troubled!” (John 14:1), which is definitely a sentiment that is not too popular in the Vatican. In fact the great Fr Tim Finigan, an old friend of this blog, came up with a brilliant comment that Pullella would no doubt appreciate:

Elsewhere the great theologian Massimo "Beans" Faggioli was also caught in Müller's web, when he labelled use of the Bible and CCC as "spreading dissent" and wondered whether the CDF could do anything about this scandalous outbreak of Catholic doctrine among cardinals. Moreover, Austen Ivereigh-Tusk (cousin of Donald) referred to "a naked power play", but this may have been because his mind was wandering when he heard Dr Victoria Bateman, the stripping don, speak about Brexit on Radio 4.

Well done, you caught that tedious gnome Ivereigh!

Still, we must congratulate Fr James Martin LGBTSJ, who, like Cardinal Cupich, has so far not fallen into Müller's trap of criticising the Bible and CCC. Sometimes it is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and leave no doubt about it.

The Magnificent Eight

We have reached the quarter-final stage of the World Cup of Bad Cardinals, and some real giants of the sport have fallen by the wayside. We say a tearful farewell to Baldisseri, Dolan, Schönborn, Wuerl, and several others who keep this blog going by their comic antics.

Still, we have the last eight, and a cracking set of cardinals they are. Looking for drugs, homosexual affairs, embezzlement, or simply persistent and dangerous heresy? Well you won't find them here, just eight papabile princes of the church. (Thank you for writing these comments for me, Fr Spadaro.)

So the draw is as follows:

1. Walter Kasper v Oscar Maradiaga.

RESULT: 64-36. Oscar "The cash of God" Maradiaga played well, but the veteran player Wally Kasper, with a lifetime of heretical experience to call on, won through fairly easily.

2. Reinhard Marx v Luis Tagle.

RESULT: 79-21. Class and experience win over Yoof-ful ambition as Rhino Marx crushes Chico the hipster to reach the semi-finals.

3. Blase Cupich v Godfried Danneels.

RESULT: 65-35. The glory days of the Sankt Gallen Mafia are over as "Godless" Danneels drops out, beaten by Cupich, the expert on rabbit holes and great pal of Fr James Martin LGBTSJ.

4. Francesco Coccopalmerio v Joseph Tobin.

RESULT: 69-31. We say "Nighty-night, baby" to Joe Tobin, as Cardinal Cocco snatches the last semi-final place (C will not be asked to take a drugs test).

As usual, MAY THE WORST MAN WIN!

Fans are already getting very excited at the prospect of the final round of this competition, which begins on February 5th. Remember that some of the cardinals have been training for months, taking advice from such experts in Catholicism as Professor Massimo Faggioli, Fr Thomas Rosica, Fr James Martin LGBTSJ, and Fr Dan Horan of Babylon.

From the street outside Eccles towers we hear all-night cries of "Nighty-night, baby!" and "Who wants some cocaine?" competing with "The money was resting in my account before being moved on" and some humble finger-snapping dances. The eight "barmy armies" (fan clubs) are out in force, but only one cardinal can ultimately win. We are ready to release the Smoke of Satan from the Vatican chimneys when we know who that is!

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UPDATE: the semi-finals are:

1. Blase Cupich v Walter Kasper.

RESULT: 50.4-49.6. Every vote counted, and in the end Cupich goes to the abuse summit confident of his place in the final. Wally fought back hard, with attacks on Müller's explanation of Catholic teaching, but in the end sheer vileness triumphed over a lifetime devoted to heresy.

2. Francesco Coccopalmerio v Reinhard Marx.

RESULT: 39-61. Knowing that Pope Francis was cheering him on, Rhino easily crushed the man with the lampshade on his head, and he goes into the final. This week's abuse summit will be an opportunity for the two finalists to show their talents before next week's FINAL.

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Now, boys, I want a clean fight! Cupich and Marx discuss their prospects in the final.

UPDATE: the third place playoff:

Francesco Coccopalmerio v Walter Kasper.

RESULT: 28-72. The veteran Kasper won this easily. Cocco's one well-known moment of extreme vice wasn't enough for him to make much impact on a man whose whole life has been devoted to destroying the Catholic Church. Bronze medal for Wally!

The FINAL: Blase Cupich v Reinhard Marx.

RESULT: 61-39. In the end a crushing victory for the Chicago boy: Pope Francis's backing at the abuse summit clearly helped to swing it for him. Marx's own performance was lacklustre, and it almost seems that he didn't want the trophy.

Finally, the medallists.