What does a Camerlengo do?

The purpose of this blog is to provide education as well as spiritual nourishment, and many readers have asked me, "What is a camerlengo? Is it some sort of sexual practice known to Cardinal Coccopalmerio? Is it one of Massimo Faggioli's favourite ice creams? Is it an obscure papal garment like a fanon?"

Well nearly. When a cardinal is widely-respected and trusted, perhaps because he lived with Cardinal McCarrick but never actually met him, he may be appointed to the position of camerlengo.

Some widely-respected cardinals.

The camerlengo's duties really begin when a Pope dies, and his first task is to check that the Pope is really dead (and not simply resting, like Benedict). "WAKE UP, POPEY, I'VE GOT A NICE CUP OF TEA FOR YOU!" he shouts, perhaps hitting the possibly-deceased with a small hammer called a farrell. Another test that can be applied is to ask the presumed ex-pope some questions, called Dubia, which no pope can refuse to answer.

All right, let's suppose that all tests have failed, and that the Pope is really dead. We have to get a new one! Now democracy isn't necessary the traditional way to go about this - for, remember that when Judas was disgraced, he purchased a field, and fell over, so that his bowels gushed asunder (Acts 1), and it was not long before the lot fell upon Matthias.

But let us suppose that we are going to have a papal conclave. Then the camerlengo has to organize it. He kicks the seminarians out of the cardinals' beds (where applicable), locks up the supplies of drugs, and in general does all he can to make the participating cardinals look like holy princes of the church.

"Come on, Cocco, get that lampshade off your head and try and look holy."

What goes on in the conclave is a solemn secret, and we can only get to hear about it from tweets sent out by the cardinals.

Someone nominated Cupich! LOL

Send in more gin, I can't take much more of this!

The last time the St Gallen Mafia put a horse's head in my bed, 
but they're being very quiet this time.

All in all, camerlengo is an important position: not exactly acting Pope, but still not one that you want to give to anyone who was in the least tainted by scandal. So we are greatly relieved that Kev the Rev has got it, and the last laugh will be Pope Francis's.

Guess who the new camerlengo is!