Get your black market tickets for Mass!

In England and Wales, we can all go to Mass again on Sunday 5th July, BUT we are limited by social distancing to about 1/6 of our normal attendance. Some churches will ask you to book in advance to get a ticket, and you may have missed out.

£100 squire, or you'll have to watch Fr Phil on television!

However, as a service to worshippers, we are offering black market tickets to those who couldn't get them. Since the alternative is to queue for standing tickets, starting at 4 a.m., you know it makes sense to support Eccles Ticket Touts Eccles Worship Services.

• £100 buys you a good seat in St Daryl the Apostate's, or £50 if you'll settle for a seat behind a pillar. Specially sterilized cushion included.
• For £200 we lend you some vestments and you can sit in the chancel.
• For £500 we lend you a mitre and crozier and you can sit on the bishop's throne in our local cathedral!

Only £200, and I get to preach the homily as well!

We are negotiating with the Vatican for the loan of white papal robes, so that you can have the best seat of all, with the option of doing your own sermon. Warning: this will need to be vetted by us beforehand, to make sure that only insults, ambiguous statements, and incomprehensible remarks are used. We don't want to make it too obvious that there is a cuckoo in the chair of St Peter!