Pope Francis goes on the attack

Pope Francis has finally decided to clamp down on undesirable conduct in the Catholic Church.

That's telling them!

When asked to give more details of the sort of bullying he was referring to, the Holy Father mentioned the case of an unnamed senior archbishop who was trying to stop Catholics from celebrating the traditional Latin Mass. "The fat pasta-filled buffoon is telling bishops to restrict the TLM and drive it underground," he growled. "I can't imagine where he got the idea!"

But it is not just bullying that Pope Francis objects to. "I am shocked, SHOCKED, I tell you, to learn that idolatry has been taking place in Rome itself!" he went on. "Some very foolish people have been worshipping the demon Pachamama (some even claimed that she was just another manifestation of the Blessed Virgin Mary!) If I find the people responsible, they'll end up in the Tiber!"

Roundly condemned by Pope Francis.

"I am also disgusted when I hear what is happening in China," he continued. "Some idiot came to an agreement that the Chinese could appoint their own bishops and persecute Catholic priests. Then when Cardinal Zen came to discuss the situation, he refused even to see him! What does he think he's playing at?"

"I saw reports that someone had slapped a poor Chinese woman who simply wanted to talk to me! This violence against women must cease!" he thundered. "All in all, the general administration of the Vatican is a DISGRACE. German synodal paths! Financial scandals! Toleration of the gay Mafia! Bullying the Order of Malta! It has got to STOP, do you hear?"

"All sorts of undesirables think they can get in to see me!"

But all is not lost. Pope Francis has promised to institute a full enquiry into the shocking state of the Vatican hierarchy, with a reporting date not later than 2062.