Uncle Arthur gets his red hat

There will be dancing in the streets of Yorkshire tonight at the news that Batley boy Uncle Arthur Roche has finally been given a red hat by Pope Francis, if they can find one big enough to fit his head (Gammarelli are already preparing some XXXXXXL robes for the new cardinal).

"Can you do this beanie style in red?"

From the humble beginnings where Arthur developed his hatred for the TLM ("We 'ad it tough. When I were a lad they made us go to Mass and it were all in Latin, and the priest wouldn't even turn round and smile at us"), he rose to becoming bishop of Leeds, where he was known for starring in a video nasty - a DVD sent round to parishes explaining that he wanted to close them.

But Arthur really became famous when he took over from Cardinal Sarah at the Congregation for Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments in 2021 (he had been secretary since 2012, and everyone said that his dictation and typing were excellent). At the CDW he became responsible for sorting out the mess after Pope Francis had a bad fit and produced Traditionis Custodes as a way of trolling traditional Catholics.

Harmonious days at the CDW.

Arthur was restrained from producing more video nasties showing how LGBT Masses and Clown Masses were really the way forward for modern Catholicism, but he did produce some Guidelines on the interpretation of TC that were even more deranged than Pope Francis had achieved:

* It is all the fault of traditional worshippers who have 
inexplicably become critical of Pope Francis since TC was issued.
* Even though TC was intended as a conciliatory way of getting rid 
of the TLM and its fans.
* Latin is a dead language, so Caveat Emptor 
and Quod erat demonstrandum! as we say in Batley.
* It is forbidden to advertise TLMs in the church bulletin.
* In fact attending one is a mortal sin, far worse than abortion
or LGBT stuff (which we rather approve of anyway).
* Liturgical dancing is encouraged, and I am available for
skating demonstrations for those churches equipped with ice-rinks.
* Can I have my red hat now, love*?

*A traditional Yorkshire way of addressing anyone from the pope downwards.

There is no truth in claims that Arthur Roche is ambitious.

There was more top trolling from Pope F when he announced the creation of 21 new cardinals. This stamps on the face of the Catholic Church puts his stamp on the future of the Church, and the other name to watch is Bishop Robert Walter McElroy, of San Diego, variously described as "Even worse than Cupich", "A great Sodano", and "Ted McCarrick's pal".

Are YOU an extreme liberal Catholic priest who has been inexplicably refused a red hat? If so email francis_trash@vatican.va with your CV, and we'll see what we can do next time.

* No previous evidence of competence necessary. In fact it's a handicap.
* Points are won by supporting LGBT issues, Nancy Pelosi, or the 
Synodal Path to cutting the Church into heretical pieces.

In next month's news - how Fr James Martin LGBTSJ became a cardinal.