Francis "shocked" to discover that China is ruled by baddies

The Vatican-China deal (arranged by that wily oriental Pa-Ro Lin) is now in tatters, after the Chinese went ahead and appointed two new cardinals, Ro-Chee and Mac-El Roy, without any consultation.

"I am shocked, SHOCKED, you hear, to discover that China, which we had assumed was as benevolently run as the Vatican, is in fact run by a brutal dictator who persecutes the Traditional Latin Mass" said the Holy Father today.

Cardinal Czerny (moustached) tells Pa-Ro Lin that he is SHOCKED.

"If only someone had warned me that President Xi was not to be trusted!" said Pope Francis. "Surely we have some of our own clerics over there who are not members of the Chinese Secret Police? Couldn't one of them have taken the trouble to come to Rome to warn me that things were not going too well over there?"

There's even a rumour that some cardinal I've never heard of has been arrested and put on trial for alleged financial misdeeds. Cardinal Becciu tells me he is SHOCKED as well."

No sign of any Chinese cardinals in Rome!

Still, all is not lost. Pope Francis has asked one of his synod "experts", the wily little oriental I-va Ree (you've done that joke already) to go to China and "sort them out". I-va Ree already has a China-style suit, whch he wears when he wants people to take him seriously (not much luck there!) so he should fit in well.

"What the Chinese need is more synods!" says I-va Ree.