Vicar of St John Lateran apologises for Aztec Service

The vicar of the Basilica of St John Lateran, Rome, has expressed his "profound regret" that an Aztec service of human sacrifice was celebrated on the main altar on Tuesday, contrary to church law.

A Novus Ordo Aztec Sacrifice.

The service, conducted by Bishop Bakerhuatl and his colleague the beautiful Bishop Mullalotl, used the standard "Novus Ordo" Aztec liturgy out of consideration of Catholic sensibilities. Said Cardinal Roche on hearing of the event, "Well, at least it wasn't an Extraordinary Form Sacrifice conducted in Latin!"

Church Law is very strict about which religions can use the Basilica of St John Lateran. For example, Anglican ceremonies would also be forbidden; this is because the Anglicans already use many churches that were built by Catholics for Catholics, and they have to be watched carefully in case they try to appropriate some more.

"Do you think they'll notice if we change the locks on this church as well?"

The vicar explained that the Aztec service was permitted on account of a "miscommunication". That is, Bishop Bakerhuatl made a friendly phone call asking how St John Lateran was coping with the latest dictates from Arthur Roche and was told "We must all make sacrifices these days". He naturally understood this as an instruction to go ahead.

Staff from Guinness World Records are rushing to Rome to confirm that an apology has actually taken place. "If so, it will be the first apology we've received from the Vatican since 2013," explained one staff member.

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