Pope Francis on the couch

Finally, even Pope Francis has realised that there is something badly wrong with his psychological make-up, and has checked in with the great Dr Kopfschrumpfer, psychiatrist to the Vatican.

"Now Holy Father, what seems to be the problem?"

Help me, doctor, I have this obsessive phobia about everything that happened before I founded the Church in 2013.

What is it that troubles you?

There is terrible support for restorationism... indietrismo... backwardism... a nostalgic disease... we cannot turn back...

I see. Have you considered discussing the issue with some friends?

I don't have any friends, apart from Austen Ivereigh the scribbler, and nobody in their right mind would take his advice. Oh and James Martin, but all he recommends is appointing more LGBTSJ bishops.

Yours is a difficult case, Holy Father. Take some of these MODAGON anti-modernism tablets and come and see me tomorrow.

Pope Francis hobbles out, but goes through the wrong door, and ends up in a cupboard.

Which is it to be?

Come back, Holy Father! It's the other door!

I cannot turn back... that would be backwardism... indietrismo... CRASH... I must always go forward, as the sap rises in a tree... to do without this flow would be to remain a mummy... CRASH!... Ow! Get Arthur Roche here to help me... you'll find him in the cake shop...