Ah, hello, Mr Christ, and welcome to the Today studio. May I call you "JC?" Now, our producer is very pleased that you have agreed to drop in and do a Thought for the Day broadcast today, as it is one in the eye for that Telegraph journalist (Thompson was it?) who said you would never be invited on the programme.
So, when we found out from Twitter that you were here for some sort of "Second Coming" event, our producer said, "Let's invite him, whoever he is." I guess you've got a busy schedule ahead, eh, JC? According to the briefing notes, you'll be judging the quick and the dead later on, then? A sort of World's Got Talent, I suppose.
He will come to judge the slow and the brain-dead
Still, you've got a nice day for this "Second Coming" of yours. You know, it was wise of you to wait until the Jubilee and the launch of The Fix were over - you wouldn't have wanted your event to be overshadowed by those, would you?
So, JC, I gather that you're not originally from these shores, but that you have been here before. Indeed, according to my notes, your feet in ancient time walked upon England's mountains green. Well, walking is good healthy exercise, and very important in our struggle against climate change, as I'm sure you'll agree.
Probably NOT the Messiah, out for a walk
Now, one of our regular contributors to Thought for the Day, the great Giles Fraser, says that he's very pleased you'll be doing the broadcast. He's something of an admirer of yours, even if he doesn't share very many of your opinions. So if you meet him in the hospitality room, try not to be overawed by his magnificence - he's only human!
"Of course Jesus's views need updating for 21st century audiences"
So let's look at the script now. Well, there are one or two problems, as I'm sure you'll appreciate. Could we put in a little work on those "Beatitudes" of yours? I'd suggest something like:
Blessed are ye, if ye struggle for equality and diversity; for ye shall receive large government grants.
Blessed are ye, if ye campaign against global warming; for ye shall receive large research council grants.
Blessed are ye, if ye sing the praises of Europe; for ye shall receive large European grants.
Blessed are ye, if ye renounce God and attack His churches; for the government will make laws to support you.
Perhaps also you could affirm your support for women bishops, abortion, euthanasia, and gay marriage? JC, sweetie, that sort of thing does go down terribly well with the sort of audience we're trying to attract.
VADE RETRO ME, SATANA !
Eh? What does that mean? It sounds wonderfully ethnically diverse, but I can't place it. Spanish, is it? And please don't shout, I've got a terrible headache...
It's a pity the Event clashes with Euro 2012 and Wimbledon
A great sloop Eccles. Word for word by the sound of it.
ReplyDeleteHas he come to preside over the end of Holy Smoke?
'Holy Smoke's a blog
As dead as dead can be,
It killed the woeful traddies
And now it's killing me'
Surely he would have been introduced as a muslim prophet?
ReplyDeleteOr perhaps like this: "We have with us this morning in the studio, Mr. Christ, or Jesus as we like to call him, he's a member of a small radical commune located in Palestine, devoted to fighting for social justice for the Palestinian people, and equal rights for gay Palestinians, according to the articles I've read about him in the 'Tablet'."
DeleteVery good, but is you sure dat de Tabblet mentoins Jessus?
DeleteOnly when they quote the great hymn 'Shine Jesus shine'
DeleteI think the editor says it every time she checks the circulation figures.
ReplyDeleteI would like to know whether it is appropriate to listen to Jesus on Thought for the Day while eating toast and marmalade, or would that be disrespectful? I have been awake all night worrying about it.
ReplyDelete