Thursday, 25 April 2013

Bad Hymns 20

The judges of the Eccles Bad Hymn Award have chosen a children's hymn today; this means that is it performed at "family services," and will drive to drink anyone over the age of about 6.

butterfly

If I were a butterfly, I’d thank you Lord for giving me wings.

Eccles: So, welcome, Brian Howard, author of "If I were a butterfly." Yours is a wonderful hymn - I heard it sung in the London Oratory recently, to the Gregorian chant Si papilio essem. Or was it a Bach cantata? I forget.

BH: Thank you so much, Eccles. It's great to be recognised on a blog of this distinction.

E: Do butterflies actually thank the Lord for giving them wings, Brian? Or are you supposing yourself to be trapped in a butterfly's body? In which case wouldn't you be saying "O Lord, get me out of here!"?

BH: That's too deep for me, Eccles. Still, I can also offer you robins, fish, elephants, kangaroos...

E: "If I were an octopus, I’d thank you Lord for my fine looks." Do you think that octopuses have "fine looks?"

octopus

A fine-looking octopus.

BH: Well, compared with some ugly spotty children I've seen... and of course cephalopod molluscs may have different standards of beauty from the rest of us.

E: Now, the hymn does have a chorus: "You gave me Jesus and you made me your child," etc. Not bad, really. But those animals... You couldn't drop the animals and keep the chorus, I suppose?

BH: What, and lose lines like "If I were a wiggly worm, I’d thank you Lord that I could squirm?"

E: Is squirming a good thing? Or were you stuck for a rhyme? Still, let's come to one of the highlights of the song, and the bit where the grown-ups present start squirming.

bear

Si ursus fuzziwuzzus essem...

BH: "If I were a fuzzy wuzzy bear, I’d thank you Lord for my fuzzy, wuzzy hair." Note that bears do appear in the Bible, unlike octopuses.

E: Ah yes, Elisha, who didn't have fuzzy-wuzzy hair, summoned two of them to eat up some rude children. 2 Kings 2, in fact.

BH: We don't teach that bit in schools so much nowadays.

Elisha

Elisha - spare the bear and spoil the child.

E: Before you go, I would like to mention another hymn: this one's by Mick Gisbey. It's the grasshopper song. Shall we sing it together? 

Both: I'm not a grasshopper 
I'm a giant in the Lord! 
I'm not a grasshopper
I'm a giant in the Lord! 
I'm not a grasshopper
I'm a giant in the Lord! 
I'm not a grasshopper
I'm a giant in the Lord!
grasshopper

Not a giant in the Lord.

BH: Of course if I were a grasshopper, I wouldn't sing that song.

E: Let's not go there, please. Brian Howard, thank you very much.

Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hymn Award:

Lord of the Dance.    Shine, Jesus, shine.    Enemy of apathy.    Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.    Follow me.    God's Spirit is in my heart.    Imagine.    Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.    I, the Lord of sea and sky.    Colours of day.    The red flag.
Go, the Mass is ended.    I watch the sunrise.    Bind us together, Lord.    Our god reigns.
My way.    Ding-Dong! The witch is dead.

at

8 comments:

  1. Pidge25 April 2013 at 17:10

    Ah, happy memories of our little kangaroos going through the church floorboards. Almost as good as the choir processing out to 'bind us together Lord' tied together by the ropes of their robes.

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  2. Jessica Hoff25 April 2013 at 18:33

    darling eccles, that one about wiggling, is that for a man in Westminster who'd like a red hat like what you has? xx Jess

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous25 April 2013 at 20:51

      Now who could that be, sister Jess?

      Delete
  3. mrswupple25 April 2013 at 18:46

    someone ought to write a hymn about a Komodo Dragon! Noble beasts aren't they?

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  4. jadis25 April 2013 at 19:03

    Please send my congratulations to Brian Howard - he should be congratulated for preserving the subjunctive mood, and teaching it to five-year-olds. Let's face it - there are thousands of dodgy hymns out there in the Criminal Hymnal (c) Mayhew Publishing) - at least this one serves a purpose. It is also very cute when a class of four year olds sing it. Like Lycra cycle shorts - it should have an age limit - that's all.

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    Replies
    1. Anonymous25 April 2013 at 20:50

      Oh it's a luvvly hymn, sister Jaddis. I can't remember who nonimated this one.

      If I were a miserable deacon, I'd... well never mind.

      Delete
  5. Unknown25 April 2013 at 21:08

    Paula N Wood has some new animal theme hyms out - "Centaur of My Life"; "Millipede Hymn";"Alleluia Elephontium" & "Canticle of Mouses". Rumour has it he has another coming out next week -"Feed us with your worm".

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  6. Brian27 April 2013 at 12:46

    If you look at a grasshopper while under the influence of lysergic acid di-ethylamide, it can appear gigantic, as do many other things, errh, so I'm told.

    "The wheels within wheels on the bussy bussy bus, go round and round and round and round...." would make a nice hymn too, dontchathink?

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