This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday, 17 November 2012

Bad Hymns 14

The judges of the Eccles Bad Hymn Award are very pleased to welcome Sister Marie Lydia Pereira, who is going to tell us about her hymn Go, the Mass is ended.

Go away

Some people just won't take a hint.

E: Now, Sister Marie, I think I've managed to extract the main message of your hymn, "Go, the Mass is ended," not least because you repeat it eight times. And a very good message it is too, when the priest says it at the end of the service.

MLP: That's right, Eccles. Of course some traddy priests will insist on saying "Ite, Missa est," which nobody can understand. So the congregation just hangs around wondering what to do next.

E: Yes, it's like guests at a party, isn't it? You look at your watch, you say "My, is that the time?" You yawn a bit, you get out the vacuum cleaner, you say, "I see there's an excellent bus passing in the next 10 minutes," but they just don't take the hint, do they?

Nuns with guns

Sometimes there is only one way to make guests leave.

MLP: You're so right, Eccles. And even in more liberal services, the priest's dismissal tends to get drowned out by the natural gossiping that we indulge in after taking communion.

E: So I can see that a hymn which says, "Clear off, now," would be very useful to a priest.

MLP: Well, exactly. What the congregation doesn't always realise is that the priest may have other appointments. For example, he might wish to bless the church band's new instruments (guitar, comb-and-paper, kazoo and vuvuzela) in readiness for another mass later in the day.

Blessed vuvuzuela

A requiem mass (Gregorian chant), played on a blessed vuvuzuela.

E: But isn't the dismissal supposed to be said by the priest, not repeated eight times by the congregation?

MLP: Alas, it's very hard to get priests to sing my hymn as a solo, Eccles.

E: In fact the whole song is really more appropriate for the priest, and not the congregation, isn't it? "Take God’s Word to others as you’ve heard it spoken to you," for example. A good thing to do, but shouldn't such a command come from the priest, and not the local bank manager sitting behind me?

Bank manager

Now men, I want you to gladden all who meet you. [Do you think that's wise, sir?]

MLP: Bank manager, eh? Should I insert a verse about "Save your money, spend it wisely?" No, that's probably a little off-topic.

E: I think the hymn is perfect as it is, Sister Marie. No need to write any more. Go, the interview is ended.

Hands up

Hands up if you want to leave now.


Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hynm Award:

Lord of the Dance.    Shine, Jesus, shine.    Enemy of apathy.    Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.    Follow me.    God's Spirit is in my heart.    Imagine.    Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.    I, the Lord of sea and sky.    Colours of day.    The red flag

27 comments:

  1. However, some people like these hymn and the liturgy is enhanced by them .

    Let's not judge, just be grateful they are in Church to sing them, and there's someone willing to give their time to lead them

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    1. I think the point is that there are many good hymns that we don't use so much because the poor quality ones have squeezed them out.

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  2. "some people like these hymn and the liturgy is enhanced by them." Really??

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  3. I once attended a funeral mass at which this was sung and everyone got out of the church in double quick time.

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  4. eCCLES, WHO EVER YOU ARE, if you really want to honor your master, you would do an article about the Israeli conflict. Its only prophesy being fulfilled befor our eyes.First comes the rapture of gods people, then you all who are left get to enjoy the kingdom of your master, Satan. I have every confidence that you and your readers will be here for that.The only propb is, Satan hates you too. He hates christians(the saved) and he hates you all, the unsaved.Thats what you dont realize. But you dont care, do you? You still love your master the devil. Catholics will be the first to welcome their master Satan. They have been dancing to his toon for 2000 yrs.

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    Replies
    1. With contributions like this - who needs satire?

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    2. I do wish Richard Dawkins would stop commenting on his blog.

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    3. I've tried this riposte drunk and sober and I remain baffled.

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  5. Ullo, is you my dere bruvver Bosco returned? Perhaps not, as you aint mentoined de graven images wot Cathlics luv kissin.

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  6. Perhaps he's been converted to an open top version? Xx Jess

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  7. I'm planning on 'I watch the sunrise' for my funeral. Do you approve?

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    Replies
    1. Remind them to drill some holes in your coffin lid, then

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  8. Not a saved parson18 November 2012 at 13:18

    There is a man in my Church who asks for this song to be sung very loudly as he keeps falling asleep and waking up during the next Mass. If he hears this one he pegs it out quickly, cos he doesnt' like having to pay a second time when the collection basket comes around.

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  9. Yes its me eccles. Ive talked enough about catholic idols. It does no good. Ask any catholic, they will tell you they are not giving up their idols, no matter what the bible says. They dont consider them idols. They are worship aids. The cement statues focus their prayers. Some cry tears. Bottom line is; they are graven images made by hands and the hellbound catholics bow in front of them. This they cant deny, even though a few have tied. Shows how dumb and blind catholics can be. While bowing befor a graven image, they tell me they arent bowing befor a graven images.
    Ive been in Seal Beach for 3 weeks without a computer or my guitar or my piano. Just some books. May your master richly bless you, Satan.

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    1. Now Bosco my dere bruvver you know what de doctor said, and you aint gotta get excited again. Now go back to de Calumny Chappel and say sorry to de cement doves.

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  10. Eccles, I think you are a genius, but I must admit that I was confusing you in my mind with Bluebottle.

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  11. Delia, if you think that nit wit Eccles is a genius, you must have confused him with some sort of a bottle. Have no fear, your day in the sun is coming. The nations are preparing to attack Israel, just like the bible says. And just like the bible says, your master will reign on the earth. You will get what youve always wanted....a earth without god. I want you to think of me rite befor Satan drops your body into a meat grinder. Did you know america and that worn out old europe are purchasing thousands of guillotines? They are not just for show. Google it. I wont be here for that stuff. But im sure as shootin you and the genius Eccles will be here, along with the other idolatrous catholics who frequent this site.

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    Replies
    1. Dat's my big bruvver Bosco talkin. He's saved, you know. Now go back in the cellar, Bosco my dere.

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    2. I must say that I have been rather relutcant to respond to this blogue pootse because I am being stalked by blogue loonatics and this will eventually end up in court.

      No chickens were strangled in the making of this blogue comment. That is all I want to say. My solicitor has recorded this statement.

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  12. Aye Lapin, i hear spain is crumbling. Time to grow your own food. Its almost like that here in the USA. Remember to pray to Mary.Even though she cant hear you, it makes the Pope and Satan happy...Let us pray;
    Oh Mary, ever virgin, who had at least 6 kids,let me go to heaven riding one of your idols. I will bow to them every day like my priest tells me to. They are little christs like our beloved catholic church says.Oh mary, kill all those wicked protestants that accuse our pure and white priests of evil deeds like kiddie fiddling. Its all lies i tell you. The CC is pure and white. Let us kill all who are not catholics so the world can be pure like us. Thank you Mary

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  13. Now behave youself, Bosco dere, or you is gonna have to be muddlerated. Dis is a blog for saved poeple only.

    I see dat if you Googles "Bite me Bosco" you gets my luvvly blogg first, but you has slipped to 4th place, darlin bruvver of mine.

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  14. I think that one of rabit's donkeys has escaped, and is posting on various blogs (Mary O'Regan is another victim).

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  15. Hamish, how good to see you. have you gotten your weekly dose of god from your local catholic priest? Or was he in the back room too busy to come out.?

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  16. But Marie Collins feels she can no longer be part of the church. She still believes in God but has found herself slamming into what she believes is a wall of resistance in the church to change on child abuse.

    In February, she went to Rome for a Vatican seminar on child abuse for bishops, where she met a church official who gave her hope because he was passionate about the need to tackle the problem. Soon afterwards, he was demoted.

    http://sl.farmonline.com.au/news/world/world/general/irish-pull-away-from-scandalhit-catholic-church/2634608.aspx?storypage=3

    Thank you Mary, for making the catholic church gods wonderful religion...aint that rite Hamish?

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  17. Heres some news for you Londoners to enjoy;

    In a new book, Father Bernard Lynch, a gay Catholic priest who has incurred the wrath of the Vatican for his views supporting LGBT Catholics, not only says he is non-celibate; he reveals that he has been married to a man for the past 14 years, and has officiated over the weddings of many gay and lesbian Catholic couples. The Vatican, he says, is trying to “get rid” of him, while he has been operating a counseling program for closeted gay priests in London since 1992.

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    1. If de Vattican dont want him perhapps you can get de Calumny Chappel to take him, bruvver Bosco.

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  18. ..i suspect brother boscobiggles has been sitting on the blessed vuvuzuela for too long and its starting to get him all counster-pasted..totally unbefitting of a childofGod..if devil means false accuser or slanderer..then i see a good piece of him in the ministrations of bruvver bosco

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