Peter's Pence or the Mark of Kaine?

Many of my American readers have asked me, "Eccles, how would a saved person vote in the forthcoming American presidential election?" Apparently, the democratic process has produced a choice between a Republican regarded by approximately 3/4 of the population as a completely mad egomaniac, and a Democrat regarded by approximately 3/4 of the population as evil incarnate, whose actions and beliefs would even embarrass Lucifer. So you lose either way.

Two political leaders discuss foreign affairs.

Well, good luck, Americans, in finding someone to vote for. I suggest a write-in vote for the world's greatest American, Cardinal Dolan Burke.

So let's assume that Trump chokes on his wig, or that Hillary is escorted down to Hell by a demon. Time for the vice-president to take over! And now nothing can go wrong, as both Mike Pence and Tim Kaine are Catholics. Sort of...

Mike Pence is a born-again evangelical Catholic. Now don't worry if you don't know what these are, as Uncle Mike doesn't really know either. As far as we can ascertain they are Anglo-Lutheran Catholics with a dash of Aztec. It was so much simpler when Mr Pence was a simple (Roman) Catholic. At least he seems to be against abortion and same-sex "marriage", almost as if he were a member of a Church for grown-ups.

Actually, I think these are the Westboro Baptists. Sorry.

Which brings us to Tim Kaine. A "Catholic" educated by Jesuits; so obviously the usual suspects - James Martin SJ and Thomas Reese SJ - are delighted. He's Catholic, but not TOO Catholic, right? He reckons Jesus got it wrong on same-sex marriage. He is backed by Planned Parenthood, the place you go to whenever you need a freshly-killed baby. There's no danger that anyone is ever going to persecute him for his beliefs!

Probably a forgery.