Francis admits "I didn't know I was the Pope."

After denying receiving any complaints about the activities of Bishop Barros in Chile, and now, most recently having denied receiving the five Dubia from Cardinal Burke and colleagues, Pope Francis has finally come up with a convincing explanation.

"Until I read the news in the paper," he explained, "I did not realise I was the Pope. They told me that, since I was so unpopular in Argentina, I should take a sabbatical in Rome, but I never imagined that I held the top job. Imagine my surprise when the Tablet announced that I was the Pope!"

"Dubia? I see no Dubia."

Apparently there was a large pile of unanswered letters of complaint, demands for clarification, and more, all addressed to "THE POPE", and Francis had been wondering for five years why nobody had opened them. "The same goes for electricity and gas bills," he added. "We've been sitting in the dark for several years, and living on takeaways, since the electricity and gas were turned off. Whenever the Pope, whoever he is, turns up, I hope he will take some action, such as excommunicating members of the Rome Power Company."

The Pope's admission has at least quelled suspicions that Cardinal Baldisseri, the well-known collector of other people's books, had been suppressing the Pope's post. Baldisseri himself admitted that he was too busy manipulating the forthcoming Synod on Yoof in Rome. "I've already worked out what the young people will decide," he explained, "and I haven't even had to meet any. How would I possibly have had time to look at the Pope's correspondence?"

LATE NEWS: God claims: "I never received any prayers from Pope Francis, I just read about them in the newspaper."

Pope Francis changes his medication

After several years of dosing himself on CUPICHON, MARTINEX, SPADARINE, COCA-PALMERIOL, and similar poisons, which have led the Holy Father to express some distinctly dubious views on pro-life issues, homosexuality, and the like, Pope Francis has received a new prescription from his doctor, including wonder drugs such as BURKEMIN, SARAHOL, and SCHNEIDERONE.

"I feel like a new man!" says Francis.

The results have been startling. Pope Francis has spoken out against "gay" parenting ("ungodly") and abortion ("like Nazi eugenics"). Only a few weeks too late to save Ireland and Argentina, but credit where it's due.

This could be a turning point for the Catholic Church. Will Emma Bonino be crossed off Francis's Christmas card list? Will Fr James Martin SJ be summoned to Rome for a good thrashing (no, he'd probably enjoy it)? Will Scalfari be given the boot? Will the Dubia finally be answered? Could climate change, liberation theology, and similar issues be replaced by a new emphasis on Catholic teaching?

"We think it was the SPADARINE that made him shout at everybody."

Of course there are other wonder drugs on the market that Pope Francis may wish to try. He should avoid DOLANINE, which makes the patient spend all his time laughing crazily; also, TOBINOL comes in two varieties, one of which is beneficial, while the other leads to strange behaviour late at night; then, tincture of ROSICA leads to aggression and paranoia; finally, swallowing ZUHLSDORFIA leads to distinctly eccentric behaviour, but is basically sound...

The dreadful affects of DOLANINE. (H/T someone, not sure who.)

Good luck, Holy Father!

Cardinal condemns God for separating families

Cardinal Daniel DiNardo, president of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, has slammed God for building a wall round Heaven and separating families.

Said His Eminence, "It is shocking to think that there is no free access to Heaven, and that people who illegally try to enter - perhaps when St Peter's attention is distracted by a discussion of fishing techniques - are rounded up and interned in Hell. This means that some people are entering Heaven to discover that their parents have been sent elsewhere."

An artist's vision of God.

A spokesman for God (St Matthew of Catholic Voices) remarked that Divine Immigration Policy clearly stated "And every one that hath left house, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall possess life everlasting. So there!"

Meanwhile, the USCCB stressed that they were speaking out in their capacity as a pro-life organization: they were concerned about immigration, but had very little objection to children being destroyed in the womb, and they would certainly not deny communion to abortionists, whether practising or simply preaching the doctrine of death. In this they were backed up by organizations such as "Catholics for Choice", "Catholics for Infanticide", "Catholics for Herod" and "Catholics for BLOOD SLAUGHTER MURDER DEATH PSYCHO AAAAGGGGHHH".

"In the words of Holy Scripture: VOTE DEMOCRAT."

Ten little cardinals

Ten little cardinals... or which one became Pope?

"Don't worry, you can lose weight by dancing with the Rockettes."

Ten little cardinals going out to dine;
One ate far too much and then there were nine.

"Nighty-night, Eccles baby! I love you."

Nine little cardinals sat up very late;
One said "Nighty-night!" and then there were eight.

"Never offend people by mentioning Catholic teaching, that's my motto!"

Eight little cardinals defending Alfie Evans;
One wasn't keen on this, and then there were seven.

"Fiddling? No, I'm a pianist."

Seven little cardinals playing dirty tricks;
One rigged a synod and then there were six.

"Hello, everyone, I've escaped again!"

Six little cardinals keeping faith alive;
One preferred to change it all, and then there were five.

"One of these days I really must get round to correcting Pope Francis."

Five little cardinals studied canon law;
One asked some Dubia and then there were four.

"Money makes the world go round. That's in the Bible somewhere."

Four little cardinals on a spending spree;
One made all the money go, and then there were three.

"I can't see any problems with the James Martin approach."

Three little cardinals building bridges new;
One asked James Martin’s help, and then there were two.

"Lutheran? Catholic? Who cares if they pay their Church Tax?"

Two little cardinals at Communion;
One joined the Protestants, and then there was one.

"Oh no, what's Pope Francis up to now?"

One little cardinal left silent and alone;
He became the next pope and then there were none.

Spice up your life with Martinex!

Thinking of organizing a religious event - it could be a baptism, a wedding, even a funeral? Want to make it go with a bang? Then what you need is Martinex! It comes in handy rainbow-patterned bottles.

Martinex - as recommended by Cardinals!

B.C. of Chicago explains. "I was just an ordinary second-rate cardinal, rather hazy about Catholic doctrines, and not really accepted in left-wing circles. But then I discovered Martinex, and suddenly my cathedral was full of adoring acolytes, while the street outside was full of angry Catholics! Now, I am strongly tipped to be the next Pope!"

Liven up your family with Martinex!

Archbishop D.M. of Dublin is equally enthusiastic. "I was just a spineless nobody who managed to present such a feeble case against abortion that we lost the referendum, in spite of 70% of Ireland claiming to be religious. How could I stop people from mistaking me for a cardboard cutout? The answer was clear - serve bottles of Martinex at my World Meeting of Families! After all, for children of all ages, building bridges is more interesting than dolls and toy trains. Now, everyone is talking about us!"

"Don't use Martinex - it's toxic!"

But not everyone sees Martinex as the way forward for the Catholic Church. Says Cardinal R.S. of Guinea. "Scientific tests have shown that Martinex rots your soul and leads you to eternal damnation. It even says so on the bottom of the bottle in small letters. What's more, when I become Pope I'm going to burn that little squirt at the stake."

So there we are. You decide whether it's worth the risk!

The Book of Brexodus, Chapter 12

Continued from Part 11.

1. Six months had passed since May-sis sent her team of wise negotiators (Bo-sis, King David Davis, and some others whose names are justly forgotten) to dine with the Pharaoh Juncker.

2. Yet, after endless eating and drinking at the well-appointed table of Juncker, no agreement had been reached.

King David Davis pretends to know what is going on.

3. For, although the date was set on which the children of Bri-tain were to leave the land of EU-gypt, and many were waiting to cross the Red Sea, there were still questions to answer.

4. Should the children of Bri-tain remain in the Single Market, and thus return to EU-gypt every Saturday to buy and sell their produce?

5. For they could sell their rare foods such as tripe and onions, and buy frogs' legs and sauerkraut.

6. Or should they partake in the Customs Union, meaning that their traditional customs such as Morris Dancing and cricket might be combined with the customs of EU-gypt, such as the Can-can and bullfighting?

"Right, lads, the EU-gypt directive says we should do the Can-can next."

7. Then there was talk of hard borders and backstop plans, which nobody really understood, so that the people of Bri-tain said, "We never knew that it was so hard to flee the land of EU-gypt."

8. And many noble lords, who had been appointed to power by the ancient warlord Blair, voted to remain where they were, feasting on milk and honey.

9. Indeed, they said that the people should vote again, and keep on voting until they got the right answer.

10. Now even the High Priest Wel-by, custodian of the ancient religion of Eng-land, guardian of a box containing 39 wondrous articles, spake out, saying that EU-gypt was the best thing since sliced manna.

11. Finally, even King David Davis was so vexed that he threatened to resign his throne, although he could not give a precise date for leaving it.

12. And the people murmured saying, "This May-sis could not organize a wedding in a Cana brewery without running out of wine. Let us have Jacob Gogg-Magogg as our leader."

"May-sis hath not provided enough wine. Can you do something?"

13. "Or let us call an election and see if the Corbynites can do any better. The Abbot of Diane can organize our finances, and John, also known as Mc-Don-El, can form a lasting alliance with the Hamasites and Hezbollites."

14. Which at least showed that the people had not lost their sense of humour.

Continued in Chapter 13.

Church of England "the greatest dream realised for human beings"

Justin Welby (currently leading in a Twitter poll to find the silliest Archbishop of Canterbury in the last 25 years, in spite of stiff competition from Rowan Williams and George Carey) has stated that the European Union is "the greatest dream realised for human beings" for the past 1,500 years.

He is too modest. For a team of EU Grandees (Jean-Claude Juncker, Donald Tusk, old Uncle Verhofstadt and all) have reciprocated by pointing out that in fact the Church of England is the greatest dream realised for human beings since... well, since before Christ in fact, as all HE could do was to found the Catholic Church.

Can I join, Justin?

As the grandees pointed out, the Church of England is unique in that it is the only religion that caters for all possible beliefs. Do you believe in the existence of God? Yes? No? Welcome! Do you believe that women can be priests? Yes? No? Doesn't matter. Are you pro-life? Yes? No? We don't care! How about same-sex marriage? For? Against? It's all the same to us. Are you a Muslim? We probably have a church for you too.

The only (well not the only) church in which any fool can be a bishop, and many are!

Everything you expect in a church... except God.

Being a Catholic isn't easy. You're suppose to avoid sin, and, since this is basically impossible, you have to confess, be absolved, and start again. Anglicans don't have this problem, as the only sins they acknowledge are Euroscepticism, Climate Change scepticism, and of course a lack of enthusiasm for Equality and Diversity in all shapes and sizes (oops, a dwarfophobic comment there).

Great job opportunities!

Catholics are also supposed to attend Mass once a week. This seems so dreadfully unfair, when Anglicans only attend church three times in a lifetime - once to be drenched from the font, once to get hitched to some person of the opposite (?) sex - well maybe more than once in this case - and once in a wooden box, when the priest will say how wonderful you were, and the congregation will sing "My Way".

Contrast that with a Requiem Mass, in the Catholic tradition, where you will maybe get the Dies Irae, which is a little poem explaining that the dear departed was probably unsaved, and is certainly going to have a rough time at the Day of Judgement.

Women who dress up as Catholic priests just aren't taken seriously! Unlike Anglicans, ha ha.

Nope, as the Three Wise Men of the EU have pointed out, Anglicanism was a wonderful step forward for the human race - well done, Henry VIII! Indeed, an Anglican's life is tailored to your individual needs. Why, no wonder the churches are full to the brim.

Oh... aren't they?