Beatitudes for popes

Since Pope Francis has kindly produced eight modern non-rigid Vatican-II compatible platitudes beatitudes for bishops (yes, really), we felt it would be helpful to produce a similar set for the use of popes. It may be regarded as the latest in our "How to be a good pope" series.

1. Blessed is the pope who makes poverty and sharing his lifestyle: this could include spending his humble wealth on financing lewd films, or perhaps speculating in the property market. For with his witness he is building the kingdom of Heaven, or at least some very nice apartment blocks.

For sale. One infallible owner. Cash only.

2. Blessed is the pope who does not fear to water his face with tears, or if he cannot manage this, at least does not fear to scowl a lot. His face will mirror the sorrows of the people, which may mysteriously seem much worse these days.

3. Blessed is the pope who considers his ministry a service and not a power, who serves his flock by stamping out old-fashioned forms of Catholic worship. He will inhabit the land promised to the meek (having first kicked out the meek).

4. Blessed is the pope who does not close himself in the palaces of government, who welcomes visitors with Dubia to ask, or those with severe reservations about the state of the Church in distant oriental countries. For he will become a Zen master. [Is this what you meant to say? A. Spadaro.]

Welcoming the pilgrim.

5. Blessed is the pope who has a heart for the misery of the world, who is not scandalized by the sin and fragility of those such as Uncle Ted who helped him get the job. For he too may need some powerful friends one day.

6. Blessed is the pope who wards off duplicity of heart, who avoids every ambiguous dynamic. Although for a Jesuit this may be impossible, so let's leave this one until later.

7. Blessed is the pope who works for peace, who accompanies the paths of reconciliation, who welcomes new religions, especially pagan ones. For Mother Earth will bless him as her son.

"Pachamama will be along later."

8. Blessed is the pope who for the sake of modernism does not fear to go against the tide, inventing new doctrines. For he knows that the Catholic Church must take a U-turn and go in a new direction every few years.

From the Sermon in the Plane.

Arthur Roche for Pope!

As seen on the "Where's Peter?" blog.

Pope Francis has done a wonderful job in his eight years as Vice-God - he's never put a foot wrong. Even the death of Fra' Matthew Festing this week has only reminded us of one of Francis's early achievements, the conquering of the Sovereign Order of Malta, a diplomatic triumph similar to Vladimir Putin's annexation of parts of Ukraine.

But all good things must come to an end, and, although it is probable that Francis, as a superhuman being, is actually immortal (unlike Festing, ha ha), we should have a pope-in-waiting in case he leaves us, possibly by direct Assumption into Heaven.

Uncle Arthur gets our vote!

Alas, the St Gallen Mafia - which gave us our wonderful Argentinian pope - is in disarray, with some members dead, others senile, and others in hiding from the police. Who will take their place? Well, we have it on the highest authority that Blase Cupich will be starting up a St Valentine Mafia (named after the Chicago Mafia's most famous massacre), and is gathering together a group of like-minded people, each too ludicrous to be himself a serious contender for the papacy. "Dancing" Tagle, "Uncle Wilt" Gregory, and "Nighty-Night" Tobin are all expected to participate, with "Real Estate" Becciu as treasurer, and Austen Ivereigh as secretary, dogsbody, and maker of tea.

Already one name is springing out of the woodwork - Arthur Wensleydale Boycott Roche, the bluff former ice-skater* from Yorkshire. The man who told us that the traditional Mass was abrogated, even though several popes had said it wasn't. A man who will GET HIS OWN WAY.

* According to Damian Thompson.

Eventually Uncle Arthur realised that he should retire from ice-skating.

Uncle Arthur will be a worthy person to run the Vatican. It is true that after the magnificence of Hinsley Hall, the stately pleasure-dome he occupied when bishop of Leeds, he may find the place a little cramped. But he is prepared to make such sacrifices.

But so far the great man is not even a cardinal. What is Pope Francis playing at? Aren't you sick of the old buffer sometimes? CURSES, WHAT AM I SAYING?

Pope Arthur will not wear the traditional zucchetto.

New ApartTrad system announced

Following the issue of Traditionis Custodes, Pope Francis has now decided a name for the new "first class" and "second class" system under which the Catholic Church will be organized from now on - it will be known as ApartTrad.

A typical ApartTrad notice.

First Class (Novus Ordo) Catholics - the ones that Pope Francis expects to see in Heaven with no questions asked - will be given full facilities for offering the post-Vatican II Mass. This will be in "vernacular" of course, although in another ten years from now, Francis intends to insist on Italian ("like Jesus spoke") since all other languages will be condemned as divisive, not to mention racist, fascist and major causes of climate change.

Second Class (Traditional Latin Mass) Catholics - already labelled "Satanic" by some of Francis's attack poodles - will have to struggle to find a place where their perverted liturgies can be offered. At present a twenty-mile walk to Mass is considered reasonable, but as the restrictions begin to bite, there will only be a few "Concentration Camps" in which those old fogeys (some of them as young as 3) will be allowed to congregate.

Amal Clooney is sent to check on Cardinal Nichols's orthodoxy.

Of course there are many people who attend both EF and NO Masses, and they are advised to establish their First Class credentials as soon as possible, before the new "yellow star" system is introduced to identify the TLM plebs.

Other sacraments will soon be denied to the Seond Class Catholics. No Marriage ("we don't want them breeding!" joked Francis), no Confession/Reconciliation (this has already largely disappeared in the Novus Ordo, since so many sins have been reclassified as "no problem, guys"), and of course no Ordination ("MORE Satanic priests? I think not!)

Of course some sins are still recognised.

Already the Vatican has received worldwide condemnation for its new ApartTrad system, with such paragons of religious freedom as China, North Korea, Saudi Arabia, and Pakistan reeling in horror at the cruel persecution seen in the Catholic Church. So there are hopes that President Francis may yet moderate his policy.

Arthur Roche v Agatha Christie

Arthur Roche, Prefect of the Congregation for Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments, today admitted that he had "never heard of Agatha Christie".

Friday was the 50th anniversary of the indult given by Pope Paul VI permitting the use of the Traditional Latin Mass in England and Wales. For those who don't know, it is sometimes called the Agatha Christie Indult because one of the high-profile signatories of the petition that led to it was Agatha Christie herself (read the Wikipedia article to see who else signed). It is said that Pope Paul VI was an Agatha Christie fan, which helped to get the indult.

Dear Holy Father...

However, the story does not end there. Uncle Arthur, in a mysterious letter to Cardinal Nichols, has claimed that the CDW had no record of this indult (and anyway, if a copy were to turn up, then of course Merciful Francis's "De Traditione Comburendo" Mot. prop. would supersede it).

"I've never even heard of this Agatha Christie," claimed the fat man. "They tell me that she's a writer of detective stories, such as The Mysterious Affair at Rome, Why didn't they ask Benedict?, Death on the Tiber, and Hickory Dickory Doctrine (and I take that as a personal insult), but I find that hard to believe. Anyway, I prefer Father Brown, especially this new man on the television who is basically an Anglican."

A twist in the plot.

Lieutenant Columbo happened to be passing at the time. "Just one more thing, before I go, Archbishop," he commented. "I see that your CDW shredder isn't working too well, and I happened to find this page on which some words are readable. Here's one bit. Dear Agatha. And here's another bit. Of course ... never abrogate .. Traditional Mass. Oh, here's one more fragment. How about a novel ... ambitious Yorkshireman ... cardinal despite ... totally useless? Any idea what these could refer to, your Grace?"

"No idea," responded Archbishop Roche. "I'm only the Prefect of the CDW. I'm too busy for that kind of stuff. Why, some people keep telling me that there was a Pope Benedict whose words totally contradict Trad. Comb. I've never heard of him. Officially, he never existed."

Found in the CDW archives.

Now, Arthur old man, about your other great blunder, saying that the TLM was abrogated... well, you can see that demolished elsewhere by Fr Hunwicke . And in many other places.

The Book of Covidicus 20: the Synod of Glasgow

Continued from Chapter 19.

1. It came to pass that Bo-sis tired of preaching the good news about masks and vixens, and turned his attention to prophesying the end of the world.

2. For the children of Br-tain were obediently getting their first jabs, their second jabs, and even their very important Booster Jabs.

3. Although, owing to a fault in the the supplies, some received Wooster Jabs instead, and cried out, saying, "What Ho! It is time to go and steal a cow-creamer!"

Entrance by invitation only.

4. However, Bo-sis was more worried that the world was about to be consumed by fire, and so he summoned a mighty synod called COP in the far wilderness known as Glasgow.

5. Thus from distant lands there came all the great and good, or at least all the rich, such as Bill Gates of Hell, Greta Thunderbird, Prince Charles (the mighty ruler who talked to the trees), and Joseph of Bidenia, who came with a train of four score and five camels, all bearing sanitary products.

6. And for forty days and forty nights (or at least it seemed like it) the synod raged on, as the guests explained how the the world could be saved if only all the people not present were to stop eating, drinking, taking shelter, and heating themselves, but would pay more taxes.

"Zzzz!" Boris payeth attention to the wise words ("Blah blah blah") of Greta.

7. Meanwhile, the COP synod had received a blessing from the Lord, and nobody present needed to wear masks, to take the vixen, or to be socially distant. Except the servants.

8. Then the rain descended, and the winds blew, as is normal in Glasgow for three hundred and three score days of the year. And the guests at the COP synod said, "Verily, this is due to climate change.

9. For, as the psalmist saith, Fire, hail, snow, ice, stormy winds which fulfill his word: all these are signs of climate change."

"Zzzz!" Another gripping moment at the synod.

10. So, after feasting and drinking, Bo-sis returned home, and planned what more he could do to serve the children of Bri-tain.

11. "Now we must ban fossil fuels," said he. "No longer will people be allowed to burn the Ammonites, the Belemnites, or the Trilobites."

12. For these were neighbouring tribes that the children of Bri-tain were wont to burn to heat their homes.

13. "From now on we have Net Zero," he explained. "In the day time, the sun will heat your homes, and at night ye shall use heat pumps. And probably die."

"Each time thou burnest an ammonite part of Manchester disappeareth under water. So there's a plus side to everything."

14. Thus the children of Bri-tain learned that the plague was not the most serious thing that threatened them.

Continued in Chapter 21.

The Gift of Traditionis Custodes

We are truly honoured today, in that His Eminence Cardinal Blase Cupich, winner of the 2019 World Cup of Bad Cardinals, has asked us to publish an excerpt from his Prattle blog.

A worthy winner - but there is some promising new talent on the horizon.

I think it is important to point out from the outset that a careful reading of the motu proprio reveals the Holy Father's intention in issuing this document. Simply put, it is to give the wretched traddies a kick in the teeth! How dare they reject all the innovations of the present saintly pope, such as Amoris Laetitia and Pachamama! Filial Corrections! DUBIA! I spit on your Dubia! Being all so much holier-than-thou because they use obsolete forms of worship, read obsolete books like the Bible, and hold to obsolete notions such as morality!

I don't think this will go down too well, Eminence, so shall we start again? Have some Valium before you start.

Oh all right. The pope's intentions are to reform the Roman Rite by getting rid of it. We all know how good Reform is. Do we not celebrate the Reformation? The word "reform" means something, namely that we leave behind old ways of celebrating the sacraments, and make up new ones. Modernize, Build Back Better, Blah blah blah © St Greta, SMASH THE TRADS...

"You called TC a 'gift'?"

Eminence! More Valium?

Yes, sorry. We need to express the unity of the Church by stamping on all those who don't like 1960s ideas. Remember the liturgical books promulgated by the saintly popes Paul VI, John-Paul II and Francis, in conformity with the decrees of the Holy and Blessed Second Vatican Council. Between the years of 33 AD and 1965 the Church had got everything entirely wrong, and these saintly popes^TM made it clear that we must leave behind our former ideas of prayer, kneeling, worship, solemnity, and holiness, and instead we must PARTY PARTY PARTY.

There are three guiding principles that Pope Francis provides for implementing TC.

The Unity of the Church. Pope Francis has united the Catholic Church in that everyone thinks he is a complete idiot. No, I didn't mean that. I mean that he has united the church by bashing those whose views differ from his own.

The Second Vatican Council and its reforms were the work of the Holy Spirit and are in continuity with the tradition of the Church. Continuity with tradition is an important phrase here - it means changing everything completely.

The role of the bishop as the sole moderator and guardian of liturgical life in his diocese. Yes, since all he needs to do is exactly what Pope Francis wants him to do. He has complete freedom of action. You don't imagine that I became a cardinal by thinking for myself, do you?

From now on, this is the preferred form of worship.

And now try and say the following without giggling.

I believe that we can use this opportunity to help all of our people come to a fuller understanding of the great gift that the Council has given us in reforming the way we worship. I take seriously my obligation to move forward in a way that promotes a return to a unitary celebratory form in accord with the directives of TC, but in the meantime, we all need to pray, as Jesus did the night before he died, that all may be one.