New disciple criticised

Galilee, 27 AD approx.

Criticism has come in of Our Lord Jesus's appointment of the American Judas McIscariot as a disciple. "This will end badly," said one commentator. "Judas is clearly not to be trusted. He is a friend of the aged criminal Tedus Obnoxius, he who dwelleth in a beach house on the Sea of Galilee corrupting the young. What's more, Judas has not been averse to a bit of covering up of sexual abuse himself."

Judas McIscariot.

Judas has already caused division in the College of Disciples by campaigning for female deacons, supporting LGBT apostles such as St James the Least of All, and tolerating mass abortion as recommended by leaders such as Herod Bidenias.

Said St Salvatore, the former boss of McIscariot, who was not appointed to the College of Disciples, "That bastard? How ridiculous! We congratulate Judas on his appointment and we are confident that he will be a faithful disciple. Oh, and by the way, Salome Pelosi is an evil witch still needs some further instruction."

Judas himself was unavailable for comment.

The humble beach house of Tedus Obnoxius on the Sea of Galilee.

Uncle Arthur gets his red hat

There will be dancing in the streets of Yorkshire tonight at the news that Batley boy Uncle Arthur Roche has finally been given a red hat by Pope Francis, if they can find one big enough to fit his head (Gammarelli are already preparing some XXXXXXL robes for the new cardinal).

"Can you do this beanie style in red?"

From the humble beginnings where Arthur developed his hatred for the TLM ("We 'ad it tough. When I were a lad they made us go to Mass and it were all in Latin, and the priest wouldn't even turn round and smile at us"), he rose to becoming bishop of Leeds, where he was known for starring in a video nasty - a DVD sent round to parishes explaining that he wanted to close them.

But Arthur really became famous when he took over from Cardinal Sarah at the Congregation for Divine Worship and the Discipline of the Sacraments in 2021 (he had been secretary since 2012, and everyone said that his dictation and typing were excellent). At the CDW he became responsible for sorting out the mess after Pope Francis had a bad fit and produced Traditionis Custodes as a way of trolling traditional Catholics.

Harmonious days at the CDW.

Arthur was restrained from producing more video nasties showing how LGBT Masses and Clown Masses were really the way forward for modern Catholicism, but he did produce some Guidelines on the interpretation of TC that were even more deranged than Pope Francis had achieved:

* It is all the fault of traditional worshippers who have 
inexplicably become critical of Pope Francis since TC was issued.
* Even though TC was intended as a conciliatory way of getting rid 
of the TLM and its fans.
* Latin is a dead language, so Caveat Emptor 
and Quod erat demonstrandum! as we say in Batley.
* It is forbidden to advertise TLMs in the church bulletin.
* In fact attending one is a mortal sin, far worse than abortion
or LGBT stuff (which we rather approve of anyway).
* Liturgical dancing is encouraged, and I am available for
skating demonstrations for those churches equipped with ice-rinks.
* Can I have my red hat now, love*?

*A traditional Yorkshire way of addressing anyone from the pope downwards.

There is no truth in claims that Arthur Roche is ambitious.

There was more top trolling from Pope F when he announced the creation of 21 new cardinals. This stamps on the face of the Catholic Church puts his stamp on the future of the Church, and the other name to watch is Bishop Robert Walter McElroy, of San Diego, variously described as "Even worse than Cupich", "A great Sodano", and "Ted McCarrick's pal".

Are YOU an extreme liberal Catholic priest who has been inexplicably refused a red hat? If so email francis_trash@vatican.va with your CV, and we'll see what we can do next time.

* No previous evidence of competence necessary. In fact it's a handicap.
* Points are won by supporting LGBT issues, Nancy Pelosi, or the 
Synodal Path to cutting the Church into heretical pieces.

In next month's news - how Fr James Martin LGBTSJ became a cardinal.

Archbishop does his duty shock horror

The Catholic world is up in arms today at the news that the blessed devout Catholic Nancy Pelosi, speaker of the House of Representatives in the USA, has been banned from taking Holy Communion in the diocese of San Francisco. Archbishop Salvatore Cordileone shockingly does his duty - where will this scandal end?

Nancy is out of luck.

Now you too can tell Cordileone where to get off. Here is your "Justice for Nancy" bingo card.

Meanwhile other devout Demo-Catholics such as Biden and Occasional-Cortex were said to be "not at all worried" about their own positions. There is absolutely no danger that their own bishops will take any action.

Just remember that if you can't give your child the affluent lifestyle of an LGBTSJ New York Jesuit with a string of trashy books bringing in the loot, then the prolife thing to do is to kill him.

The last word, as ever, goes to Pope Francis. I wanted to write a parody, but the original cannot really be beaten:

Bono: Do women & girls play a powerful role in tackling the climate crisis?

Francis: In the Common home, we usually speak of Mother Earth, not Father Earth. This is very clear. Besides, as I told you a while ago, since that afternoon of the apple, [women] are in charge.

"Once upon a time there was a fading singer."

England needs a new patron saint.

Dear St George,

Bad news, I'm afraid. In the World Cup of Patron Saints of England you were knocked out in Round 2 (losing to Edward the Confessor and Edmund Campion). Apparently, in the modern world of patron sainting, there is no call for dragon-slaying. However, your martyrdom is much appreciated.

Yours sincerely,
Eccles (saved).

"We were really looking for a multiracial transgender saint."

---

Anyway, the draw for the quarter-finals (held by Twitter poll) is as follows. The results will be posted here as we get them.

1. John Henry Newman 61.8% v Cuthbert 38.2%.

The old man with the ducks loses out to the young tearaway from Oxford.

2. Bede 38% v Thomas More 62%.

Being venerable was not as popular as being a man for all seasons.

3. Thomas Becket 60.5% v Edmund Campion 39.5%.

The turbulent priest defeats a later martyr.

4. John Fisher 51% v Edward the Confessor 49%.

Only 3 votes in this close contest, but the fisher wins the Fisher-King game.

Farewell also to Margaret Clitherow, the last female saint to drop out.

---

SEMI-FINALS.

1. John Henry Newman 36.7% v Thomas Becket 63.3%.

The last non-martyr drops out, although still led by a kindly light.

2. Thomas More 68.7% v John Fisher 31.3%.

The man for all seasons makes it an all-Thomas final.

---

THIRD PLACE PLAYOFF.

John Henry Newman 41.1% v John Fisher 58.9%.

FISHER takes the bronze!

FINAL.

Thomas Becket 36.2% v Thomas More 63.8%.

BECKET gets the silver medal, and MORE the gold!

A good pope deals with China

Yes, it's another in that interminable series "How to be a good pope", intended as useful advice for those readers who will be ending up in the hot seat (Alitalia seat 1A, usually; sometimes, the Popemobile).

The story so far. You, Pope Fred I, are sitting at breakfast eating your ecumenical Quaker oats, when in comes the great Gonzo Aemilius, your personal secretary (typing speed only 3 words per minute, unfortunately) with some bad news.

"Holy Father, they've arrested one of your cardinals. Guess who?"

A tricky question: you think of Cardinals Betya, Maradona, Cocainepalm, ... which one is it? To your surprise it is Cardinal Tao of Hong Kong, an old friend whom you have been trying to avoid for the last 9 years.

"Fine, fine," you say, but you realise that some official reaction is required on your part. An official Vatican statement. Nothing too strong, as it might upset the deal you made which allows China to appoint its own priests from the ranks of the People's Secret Police. So no abusive words like "rigid" or "traditionalist", which in any case you save for members of your own flock.

"I know, let's have a synod," you propose. That solves most things. Will the Catholic Church declare itself "concerned" by these developments. Or will it get really tough and make a statement with words such as "anxious", "worried", "miffed", "upset" or even - almost a declaration of war - "ill at ease" or "fretful"?

We have designed the logo already!

No, there isn't time for a synod, and anyway, it would require a synod on synods to set it up. You get the press office to make the weakest statement possible. "We have heard that Cardinal Tao has been incarcerated in a rat-filled dungeon, awaiting torture by the Chinese Inquisition (proprietor, Xi-who-must-be-obeyed). If he is not released within the next 40 years, we shall be - if not actually disgruntled, far from being gruntled.*"

* Stolen from P.G. Wodehouse.

Your anger has no bounds. You cancel your lunchtime Chinese takeaway order of numbers 23 and 94 (sweet and sour bat, with Fauci noodles), and open a tin of Max Beans instead. That's telling them!

Sometimes a humble meal is the only answer.

Child sacrifices to be restricted

Peru, 1533.

There has been outrage among leading Inca celebrities at reports that child sacrifices in the Empire are now to be greatly restricted, and will be decided upon locally.

The activities of "Planned Sacrifice" may now be severely restricted.

Opposition to the change in the law is being led by President Joe "devout" Atahualpa and the lovely Nancy Passthebotl, who see it as a threat to the woman's "Right to murder". Still, the Supreme Court of Judge Pizarro has now decided to overturn the traditional "Mom v Babe" ruling which has been the basis of sacrifice law for so long.

Pachamama - one of the Inca gods.

So far, nothing has been heard from the Vatican, neither from the Pontifical Academy of Sacrifice, nor from Pope Clement VII ("Clement the humble"), who himself is actually a devotee of Pachamama. Still, more serious Catholic sources are backing the new rules and we may see a major reduction in the number of sacrifices.

Laus Deo, if Archbishop Arfurocha still allows us to say that.