Francis "shocked" to discover that China is ruled by baddies

The Vatican-China deal (arranged by that wily oriental Pa-Ro Lin) is now in tatters, after the Chinese went ahead and appointed two new cardinals, Ro-Chee and Mac-El Roy, without any consultation.

"I am shocked, SHOCKED, you hear, to discover that China, which we had assumed was as benevolently run as the Vatican, is in fact run by a brutal dictator who persecutes the Traditional Latin Mass" said the Holy Father today.

Cardinal Czerny (moustached) tells Pa-Ro Lin that he is SHOCKED.

"If only someone had warned me that President Xi was not to be trusted!" said Pope Francis. "Surely we have some of our own clerics over there who are not members of the Chinese Secret Police? Couldn't one of them have taken the trouble to come to Rome to warn me that things were not going too well over there?"

There's even a rumour that some cardinal I've never heard of has been arrested and put on trial for alleged financial misdeeds. Cardinal Becciu tells me he is SHOCKED as well."

No sign of any Chinese cardinals in Rome!

Still, all is not lost. Pope Francis has asked one of his synod "experts", the wily little oriental I-va Ree (you've done that joke already) to go to China and "sort them out". I-va Ree already has a China-style suit, whch he wears when he wants people to take him seriously (not much luck there!) so he should fit in well.

"What the Chinese need is more synods!" says I-va Ree.

Comedy award for Martin and Ive

The popular comedy duo, Martin and Ive, has just swept the board in the prestigious Francis Awards, defeating Cardinal Becciu's solo routine ("I would have been pope if only the press hadn't kept telling the truth about me"). So it seems only fair to share some of their finest jokes with our readers.

As with Morecambe and Wise, one of the duo has short fat hairy legs.

Let's start with Jimbo's comments on the Holy Spirit.

Great gag, Jim!

You see, unlike Vatican II, which was only inspired by the Holy Spirit, this new Vatican III is managed by the Holy Spirit. Take note, it wasn't Pope Francis waking up with a hangover one day and saying "How can I best undermine traditional Catholic teaching? I know - get a lot of heretics to write in, together with moaning Minnies with grudges, and turn the lot into an Even Newer Testament, saying it was inspired by the Holy Spirit." No, the Trinity in His Wisdom decided that the time had come to throw away 2000 years of teaching and start again!

Ivereigh explains blasphemy.

Yes, for 2000 years the disciples, saints, popes, doctors of the Church, etc. have been committing blasphemy. Simple doctrine like "No murder", "No adultery" and "No theft" can't be regarded as set in stone. Especially not adultery, which became "OK" again after Amoris Laetitia.

Note the way that the great comic Austen turns round Catholicism in order to parody it. In the old days it was blasphemy to subvert Catholic teaching, but now - ho ho - it is blasphemy to insist on it.

One more joke from Ivereigh to finish off? Yes, why not?

A new reversal of Catholic teaching.

The recipe is the same here, but still effective. It is modernism to reject modernism - have I got that right? What popes said in the past has to be interpreted using the totally contradictory wibbling of the present incumbent. But we must remember that Austen is an Oxford don - at Camp Hall (memo: check name), and this is what we call Oxford humour, and like "alternative" comedy, is not usually funny.

I've got it - contra-Chestertonian, that's what these guys are. GKC was a master of paradox, saying things that seemed absurd but turned out to have wisdom in them. Jim and Austen go in the opposite direction.

Anyway, congratulations on your "Francis" award, team!

"We wuz robbed."

The Last Trump Returns to Twitter

Yes, the Last Trump is back! The moment that we have all been waiting for - since the world is such a horrible place at present - can be expected to be announced on Twitter in the near future!

Two angels (with vuvuzela and bongo drums) practise for the Last Trump.

Until the arrival of the great Prophet Elon, the Last Trump was banned from Twitter. As a result, mankind has been forced to carry on digging itself into a deeper and deeper hole, because nothing can happen in this world unless it is announced on Twitter first. But now, following a democratic vote of all 10 billion people in the world (including bots), @RealLastTrump is back, and expected to Tweet PAAAAAARRPPPPP! any day now.

Of course, some people are not happy with the return of the Last Trump, and have quietly slunk away, usually with a scream of "The Last Judgement is Fascist!"

Leigh Rubin saw it coming in 2018.

At the other end of the spectrum, many devout Catholics, such as Pope Francis, Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi, Blase Cupich, Arthur Roche, James Martin, Austen Ivereigh and Massimo Faggioli, have declared themselves ready to meet the Last Trump as "We were right along!"

No comment needed.

So far @RealLastTrump has not Tweeted, but we expect a Judgement any time now.

The Arthur Roche Thanksgiving Mass

The scene: Leeds Cathedral, Yorkshire.

The date: Monday 14th November 2022.

The event: A thanksgiving mass to celebrate the elevation of the former Leeds bishop Arthur Roche to greatness (or at least the college of cardinals).

Present: Just about all the Catholic bishops of England and Wales...

The great man is truly sorry for the pain felt by traditional worshippers.

Unfortunately, the Livestream wasn't working (this is true, like everything else so far in this post), so we can only reconstruct the event ourselves...

The event was well-attended. The congregation included numerous members of the Latin Mass Society, all wearing their "SAVE THE TLM" tee-shirts; also, some of Uncle Arthur's best friends from Leeds: the LADHISS (Leeds and District Heavyweight Ice-Skating Society), and various vendors of cakes, puddings, and pies (now fallen on hard times since our hero left).

Luckily, one can also buy light snacks in Rome.

Some mischievous person switched all the books, so that Roche might have had to offer a TLM rather than a Novus Ordo Mass, but the great man was not phased out by this and managed to improvise a NO service.

Then, when it came to the part of the service where the cardinal said "With Francis our Pope and Me, your unworthy servant", a great cry of "YES!" went out from the congregation - which somehow failed to please Uncle Arthur.

Anyway, a good time was had by all, and the Leeds United fans who carried Uncle Arthur head-high from the cathedral and dumped him in the River Aire have been severely reprimanded.

An army marches on its stomach.