A letter about the Latin Mass

The scene: Pope Francis is relaxing in a deck chair, idly thinking up new punishments that he can inflict upon Cardinal Burke. In rushes (well, waddles) Arthur Roche.

Someone is about to receive a bad shock.

Roche: Holy Father! There's a letter here you must see! We're doomed.

Francis: Oh no! Has Rupnik finally told everyone where the bodies are buried? Quick: book us onto the next plane to China!

Roche: No, nothing like that.

Francis: Sarah, Burke and Zen again? We can ignore them.

Roche: In fact it's a letter to the London Times about the Latin Mass.

Francis: Oh, a few Catholics moaning again? Joseph Shaw? Surely not Vincent Nichols? I thought you'd got him under your thumb? Or is Damian Thompson baring his teeth again?

Roche: No, it's worse than that. It's CELEBRITIES!

Francis (looks at letter): Oh, I've heard of some of these. Susan Hampshire! Stephen Hough! Bianca Jagger! I invited them to the last synod, but they were too busy.

Susan Hampshire discusses the TLM with her spiritual director.

Francis (contd.): Well, if it's CELEBRITIES and not ordinary Catholics, then we have to take action. Oh, but hang on...

Roche: What?

Francis: No Stephen Fry. No Richard Dawkins. No Carol Vorderman. It can't possibly be a genuine letter if they haven't signed it. Phew! It's OK, Arthur, you can carry on with your extermination plans...

No Agatha Christie this time, but Lady Antonia Fraser has some advice for Arthur Roche.