Thursday 10 October 2019

How to be an atheist pope

Many of the articles on this blog have given advice on "How to be a good pope", but one or two of my readers (i.e., about half of them) have complained that, being atheists, they did not find the advice very useful. Obviously, being female is not a bar to occupying the chair of Peter (or as Father James Martin puts it, the chair of Mary Magdalene), especially since we now need to create female popes in order to please the indigenous tribes of the Amazon (I hope I've got that right). But is atheism a bar?

Pope Joan

The papacy - now open to women and atheists!

Ask any priest, and he will tell you that the job is really quite easy. Most weeks you only work on Sundays, and if you need to preach a homily, then there are plenty of good books from which you can borrow, with titles such as The Reverend Ebenezer Drone's Victorian Sermons on Habakkuk, The Jesuit Book of LGBT-friendly Homilies, and Cardinal Sarah's latest epic, Why don't you all just SHUT UP?*

*Subtitled And that includes you, Francis.

Try not to mention sky fairies and invisible friends, as that's a bit of a give-away that you're not as devout as people thought.

Sartoria per Eccles

The Eccles shop will also provide you with fashionable clothes to wear.

Then, you get to listen to confessions, and that must surely be more entertaining than watching television: once in a while you will get an axe-murderer or a grave-robber, even if most of the time it is "I took the last chocolate from the box" or "I groaned when I read Austen Ivereigh's latest comments."

But do you need to believe? Well, technically not, if you don't mind telling lies. If you don't believe in Hell, or if you think Jesus was not God when He was on Earth, then there is no need to mention it to anyone, as it might affect your chances of promotion (well, it used to, until Vatican II brought us the Age of Aquarius, etc.)

Marx on a tractor

Stealing tractors is all in a day's work for top atheist Cardinal Marx.

Many priests, bishops, and cardinals have realised that they have a job for life, and if they want a career where they can talk to people without being interrupted, then joining the Church is easier than becoming a politician or an actor. No need for elections, no times when you are "resting" between jobs.

The downside to all this is that you may feel you are being a little dishonest, saying "I believe..." when you don't. Also, if you think Richard Dawkins's latest book My head is bigger than God's is a miracle of theological brilliance, then don't read the book when you think someone might be watching.

Pope and scalfari

What can possibly go wrong?

So suppose that promotion has come your way, and you are now the Pope. You may still feel the need to confide in someone, to tell them that you don't really believe a word of it. Should you infallibly and ex cathedra declare, "THERE IS NO GOD"? No, this might cause problems, and even popes can get sacked for being too silly. No, pick a friendly journalist, preferable one who is 105 years old, deaf, blind, unable to work a tape recorder, and known to have a vivid imagination. Tell him. Then, if he spills the beans, you can get your friends to deny it.


  1. Even more brilliant than usual !!!

  2. 1 Amazonians
    {1:1} Francis, called as a feathered Moon-pagan of Mother Earth; and James SJLGBT, a pillow-biter:
    {1:2} To the church of the world which is at the Vatican, to those sullied in pagan idols, called to be hypocrites with all who are invoking the name of the Lord Jesus Christ in every place of theirs and of ours.
    {1:3} Good grief, but have you the faintest idea of that which you rant about ?
    {1:4} I give thanks to my Earth Mother non-stop because the scratching in my crotch tells me to.
    {1:5} And should I give birth, I am wealthy in ditches to bury those children into.
    {1:6} And so, never mind those old warnings against the worship of Moloch and Baal.
    {1:7} In this way, nothing is lacking in my egotism, as I twist the doctrine to my needs.
    {1:8} And Satan, too, he will lie to you, even until the end, without shame, until he can see for himself how strong the gates of the Church are, exactly, against him.
    {1:9} Mother Earth our holy whackjob : Through her, you have been called into the fellowship of her blanket, oh and isn't it a lovely tree of a lovely demon-worship grove ?
    {1:10} And yet never mind if you hear the exact opposite of all of this next Moon-worship-day, as every one of you speaks in a different forest dialect, and there are nothing but living infant sacrifices among you, and because this is a listening church blind to intrinsic evils. And yet it shall only be the Americans to be accused of being the bad guys. Especially if they are white, male, and Christian. BOOOOOO !!!!
    {1:11} For it has been indicated to me, about you, my gender-indeterminate siblings, by those who are with James Martin SJLGBTQ&A, that there are contentions against him/her/they/zer/it/&c.
    {1:12} Now I say this because each of you is saying: “Certainly, I am of men;” “But I am of women;” “Truly, I am of both;” as well as: “I am of neither and both and all together and whatever I have decided to come up with this morning.”
    {1:13} Has de Pop become a homophobe? Was Greta burned by the planet for you? Or were you indoctrinated in the name of Dorkins ?
    {1:14} I give thanks to de Pop Francis that I have baptized none of you, except Runs-Around-Waving-Feathers-and-Balloons-Slitting-her-wrists-for-the-Moon-Goddess, and Stands-With-A-Priapus-Behind-The-Sports-Shed-Looking-For-Children.
    {1:15} Lest anyone say that I have been doing any nasty proselytism. (yah !!! boooo !!!)
    {1:16} And I also baptized the jungle clearing of Stands-With-A-Feathered-Pro-Gay-Diverse-Head-Dress. Other than that, I do not recall as de Pop if I baptized any others.
    {1:17} For Holy Soros of the Atheist Sanhedrin did not send de Pop to baptize, but to confuze: not through the wisdom of words, lest the cross of Christ be thought of.
    {1:18} For the Word of the Cross is certainly foolishness to those who are investing in Nazi stolen artworks. So to those who have been ridiculed, that is, to us, is given the graft of bloated sums of Cash.

    1. This edition of the Vatican 2 for Yous Bible,can be purchased

  3. 2 Amazonians
    {2:1} For it has been written: “I will perish the wisdom of the wise, and I will reject the discernment of the prudent.”
    {2:2} Where are the wise? Where are the scribes? Where are the truth-seekers of this age? (In the Amazonian naked dancing pagan tribes obviously. Duh.)
    {2:3} For the world did not know Mother Earth at all, until, in the hubris of Francis, it pleased de Pop to accomplish the kneeling to idols, through the foolishness of his liberation theology.
    {2:4} But the Jews still ask for signs, and the Catholics for wisdom.
    {2:5} But de Pop is preaching Christ denied. Certainly, to the Traddies, this is a scandal, and to the Orthodox, this is foolishness.
    {2:6} But to those who have been called, Heretics as well as New Agers, de Pop is the very false angel of “spirituality” and the mantra of me-me-me.
    {2:7} For what is foolishness to de Pop is considered wise by men, and that which is weakness to de Pop is considered to be nasty bad cassocks and birettas worn by Holy Priests.
    {2:8} So take care of your vocation, brothers. For a Pop nowadays is cunning according to the flesh, and not many of him is believing, not many is Christian.
    {2:9} But the Conclave has chosen the foolish of the Conclave, so that he may confound the wise. And God has chosen the weak in the Word, so that he may confound the strong.
    {2:10} And God has chosen the ignoble and contemptible of the Conclave, those who are nothing, so that he may reduce to nothing those who are something and yet listen to his Amoris Laetitia.
    {2:11} So then, nothing that is of this Pontificate should glory in its own sight.
    {2:12} But some are of God in Christ Jesus, who was made by God to be our wisdom and justice and sanctification and redemption.
    {2:13} And so, in the same way, it was written: “Whoever glories, should glory in the Lord.”
    {2:14} Would be nice if there were a good Pop to pay attention ...

  4. Not funny. This is serious business. The 'pope' is denying Christ.

    1. And the Superior General of the Society of Jesus denies that Satan exists! It's a tragicomedy being enacted.

  5. Yes, some of us have indeed seen where liberal theology ends up. We have also seen where something else ends up, and it is at least as pertinent.

    All the incense in the world, all the birettas in the world, all the Plainsong in the world, all the holiness of life from the USPG mission fields to the old County Durham coal belt to Chad's Chapel, do not in themselves add up to Unity with the Successor of Peter.

    And if you have spend all your time explaining why you are not a "Roman Catholic", or why you think you are one even though the Pope says that you are not one, or why you and he both say that you are one but you devote yourself to criticising and disobeying him, then everything else also begins to slide very, very, very quickly.

    Doctrine itself. Liturgy, where overdone is as bad as underdone, and prissy is as bad as slapdash. Public and private morality, in what can become nests of rancid politics, and sexual immorality, and endemic alcoholism. Everything. Oh, yes. Some of us have been here before. Some of us have seen where this ends up.

    Follow Peter.

  6. David Lindsay. Sorry I don't quite get what you are saying. Are you saying follow Peter but not Francis. Keep the faith as taught at all times in all places in the same sense and beware of this modernist junk coming out of a corrupt Rome?

  7. Is that elderly sage Richard Dawkins or Jeremy Corbyn (leader of her Maj's Opposition)? Or possibly Austen Ivereigh?

  8. The Importance of Being Pope Earnest

    Pope Earnest has granted a 666th interview to his fav journalist EuGenius Scalfari, the only atheist whose inability to run a tape recorder provides plausible deniability for the pope, thus keeping suspense a-stir. Is Pope Earnest earnest enough?

    Scalfari: Rumor has it that you are Jorge in Argentina, but Pope Earnest in Vatican City.

    Pope Earnest: In matters of grave importance, style, not sincerity, is the vital thing. However, I never change, except in my affections.

    Scalfari: In the importance of being Earnest I ask you: Do you know everything or do you know nothing?
    Pope Earnest: A trick question...I know nothing?

    Scalfari: I do not approve of anything that tampers with natural ignorance. Ignorance is like a delicate exotic fruit; touch it and the bloom is gone. The whole theory of modern education is radically unsound. Fortunately in Rome & Argentina, at any rate, education produces no effect whatsoever. Especially on the hierarchy.

    PopeEarnest: Never speak disrespectfully of the hierarchy. Only people who can’t get in do that.

    Scalfari: Earnest, are you a heretic? Do you believe hell is just a work of fiction?

    Pope Earnest: The good end happily in heaven. The bad end unhappily in hell. That is what Catholic fiction means. Anyway, I could deny it; I could deny anything if I liked. Being naturally pious is a difficult pose to keep up.

    Scalfari: I hope you haven’t been leading a double life, pretending to be heretical while being a traditional Catholic all the while. That would be hypocrisy. Tell me: What is Truth?

    Pope Earnest: My dear fellow, the Truth isn’t quite the sort of thing you should tell a nice refined atheist. Yet in all humility, I must confess: As a wee lad, my governess-- Miss Schism-- caused me to lose my doctrines in a handbag in the cloakroom of Victoria Station. The Brighton Line.

    Scalfari: To lose one doctrine, Earnest, may be considered a misfortune. To lose both doctrines begins to look like carelessness. An apostate pope might lose the papacy entirely.

    Pope Earnest: For the first time, I now realize the vital Importance of Being Pope Earnest.

  9. I laughed out loud!! Thank you for your wit and wisdom!