How to revive a dead Apostolic Exhortation

This is the latest instalment in our series "How to be a good pope", intended mainly for those who one day expect to be sleeping with the Keys to Heaven under their pillow, and giving out red hats to all their best mates. (To judge by the number of hits this blog gets, only people expecting the very top job will actually read this.)

Now, one thing that popes do is to write encyclicals and apostolic exhortations. Most of these are destined to gather dust in the Vatican library, and most of your cardinals will be borrowing copies of How to hide your drug habit and Money-laundering for beginners rather than one of Pope Leo XIII's 88 encyclicals (yes, really), and he was an Agatha Christie compared with you.

"I feel another encyclical coming on..."

So you decide to have a special year to celebrate your writings, and maybe clock up some more royalties. You are just over halfway through a year of celebration of "O SOLE MIO", your encyclical about the environment, and after an initial rash of jokes about plastic straws and Greta Thunberg, the world simply refused to take note, and went back to thinking about God instead.

They're not getting away with that! Even before the O SOLE MIO year of admiration is over, hit them with a new year (in fact fifteen months) dedicated to your other masterpiece AMOROUS LASCIVIA. In order to get it past the censors, attach the name of a great saint who won't answer back - Joseph, perhaps, who was well known for saying very little.

Ah, but you're saying, AMOROUS LASCIVIA went down very badly. Four cardinals spotted that it contradicts the previous 2000 years of Catholic teaching on marriage and the family, and sent in some Dubia. Two of them have since died, but the other two are beginning to suspect that you are never going to answer them - how faithless of them, in another twenty years or so you will have worked out which of the 32 possible combinations of YES and NO is the one least likely to embarrass you most reflecting Catholic teaching.

Sometimes, Dubia can be TOUGH.

Just ignore them and set up a website with lots of pictures of YOU doing family-type things - you know, smiling at children as if you liked the little beasts, blessing families, etc. Try to avoid the one featuring father, mother, father's previous wife, father's mistress, and mother's live-in lesbian lover, no matter what Fr James Martin says; also the one where the kids wouldn't smile and you hit them.

Now, you need a good programme of events to keep things going. Organize a "We love Amorous Lascivia" conference with distinguished speakers such as Austen Ivereigh and Massimo Faggioli. You may have to do it by ZOOM: some of the speakers will prefer this as they won't have to wear trousers. Next get those unsold AMOROUS LASCIVIA tee-shirts and coffee mugs from the cellar. Be imaginative!

There, that'll stop them worrying about the mess you got into with the Pachamama Synod!

Christians are white supremacists

We are truly grateful to one Jen Bokoff for reminding us that "Merry Christmas" is a white supremacy slogan, and a sign to the world that you intend to enslave people of inferior cultures, and, quite possibly, exterminate them.

That's telling us!

Of course this goes back to the universally recognised fact that Jesus was a blond-haired Aryan type, and nothing whatsoever to do with ancient Judaea. Moreover, as Jen will confirm, His message was not "Peace on Earth" but more a sort of "Let's smite all the foreigners!"

Clearly, "Merry Chistmas" is a totally inappropriate thing to say at Christmastide, and the alternative words "Bah! Humbug!" are the most truly woke way of recognising the feast. There are other things one can do to mark the occasion, such as scream "Black lives matter!" at your neighbour, possibly just after looting a shoe shop or throwing a statue into the river. You might also try saying "Merry Floydmas" in honour of the most saintly person who ever lived. And don't forget to take the knee!

"I never knew I was a white supremacist until Jen told me to Bokoff!"

Our thanks again to Jen for putting us straight on this. Next week, how St Peter was literally Hitler, and why "Happy New Year" is sexist and racist.

The 2020 Advent Calendar

This year's Advent calendar shows us all that is best in contemporary catholicism:

• A great year for Biden and AOC, generally regarded as Top Catholics;
• A red hat for Uncle Wilt Gregory, who provided spiritual support to Donald Trump;
• The generally-admired Vatican nativity scene, which showed us the true meaning of Christmas;
• Pachamama!
• Masterpieces of church architecture, as seen in the World Cup of ugly churches;
• Uncle Ted!
• Cupich, Kasper, Marx, Becciu, Nichols, representing the big boys in the college of cardinals;
• Jimbo and Austen, furiously scribbling best-sellers with a slightly Catholic theme;
• BOFF!
• A collection of liturgical scenes and miscellaneous items; and, last but not least,
• The Holy Father demonstrating the ancient art of Papa-Slappa.

And a happy and blessed Christmas to all readers. Stay saved.

Austen Ivereigh not expected to resign

One of the closest confidants of Austen Ivereigh, the celebrated Catholic journalist, has denied rumours that the great man is about to resign from his various prestigious positions (Fellow of Campion Hall, scribbler for various publications, best-selling author - The Pope Francis Cookbook and Keeping Fit with Pope Francis are this Christmas blockbusters), and devote himself to Catholicism instead.

"'Pope Francis is very very very very wonderful.' You do have a way with words, Austen."

Pope Francis, who has long been Austen's biggest - indeed, only - fan, has emphatically denied saying that his friend would chuck it all in at the end of 2020, having fulfilled his life's work. "Little Austen has a lot more to offer the world," explained the Holy Father. "Not just a few more books about me - Self-defence the Pope Francis Way will be out soon - but also his forthcoming treatise on Pachamama for Catholics."

So, it seems that there will be no imminent conclave to appoint a new Pope's Minder: this is perhaps fortunate given the difficulty of travelling to Rome at the present time, although various potential sycophants such as Fr James Martin SJ and Massimo Faggioli will be sorry not to have their chances to become the Pope's new Very Best Friend.

Covidicus, Chapter 11 meets Brexodus, Chapter 22

Translator's note: Sometimes we find that two distinct chapters of the Bible are identical: for example, 2 Kings 19 and Isaiah 37 (not to mention the book of Rosica, which is copied from numerous other texts). Here is another case in point.

Continued from Brexodus Chapter 21 and Covidicus Chapter 10.

1. In the last month of the year, Bo-sis was ready to sign a treaty with the new Pharaoh, Ursula of Lebanon, so that the children of Bri-tain would finally be able to make peace with EU-gypt.

2. However, the Frenchites, the Spanishites and the Dutchites were very fond of fish, and their fishermen spake out saying "For many years we have fished in the Red Sea, yeah, even in the waters of the children of Bri-tain. Let us continue to do so."

3. "For our starving children ask us for fish, and we have to give them a serpent. (Which, actually, the Frenchites quite like.)"

4. Meanwhile, the plague continued to rage, and even as the mighty vixen began to protect the elderly and infirm, Bo-sis had ill tidings for the people. Indeed the tiers began to flow as never before.

5. For the Londonites were cast into a fourth great tier, where there was a weeping and gnashing of teeth. And there they remained.

The pool of tiers.

6. However some were able to flee Londinium, by digging a tunnel under the great highway known as the twenty-fifth M, and then fleeing through the countryside disguised as bank managers from Birmingham.

7. But now the holy season was approaching, in which the people were accustomed to feast on turkeys, to drink wine, and to praise the gods of gold and silver, bronze and iron, wood and stone.

8. But Bo-sis told them to feast alone, and he wrote on the wall the powerful words "MENE, MENE, TEKEL, UPHARSIN," which, being translated, is "HANDS, HANDS, FACE, SPACE."

9. However, the people were still permitted to attend the temples to worship. This did not please the High Priest Welby of the Anglicanites, who spake out saying that the aged ones should not go to the temple, but stay at home watching the box that is called Goggle.

10. For it was written, "Your old men shall see tele-visions and your young men shall dream dreams."

11. Moreover, the learned doctor Daw-kins, whose life story is recorded elsewhere, was also wrathful, and he cried out saying, "Bah! Humbug!" which later became the title of his next book on religion.

St Richard throweth a tantrum.

12. Meanwhile, the criers of news shouted out "EU-gypt fish talks! Read all about it!" but this turned out to be a mistake, for no such talking fish was found.

13. Then Bo-sis explained to the people that the plague had been so unpopular, that he had ordered a new plague, which came from the southeast and was even worse than the old one.

14. This made the Frenchites exceeding wrathful, and their emperor, the mighty Macron, closed the frontier between Bri-tain and the land of the Frenchites. that none might pass.

15. And the children of Bri-tain wailed in torment, for they could no longer eat of the snail nor of the leg of the frog, and they were likely to starve.

Continued in Covidicus, Chapter 12.

Hark! The Herald's writers sing

A little Christmas carol to commemorate the Catholic Herald's cutting its ties with Mary Kenny, Fr John Zuhlsdorf and Fr Dominic Allain, to complete its transformation into a less intellectual version of HELLO.

Editor Dan Hitchens can only gasp in amazement, since from now on its owner, William Cash, is expected to publish more articles of the I'm not a Catholic but hey! aren't chasubles cool? variety, together with the probing analysis of Cash's Auntie Doris's postman, Not many people know who that dame with the baby is on the Christmas stamps, and Cash's old mate Major "Blotto" Smythe-Farquharson-Vodka's contribution I've always been scared of gargoyles since one fell on my head.

The important thing is Cash.

Hark! The Herald's writers sing,
"William Cash, where is thy sting?"
Catholics all sent away:
Father Z and Mary K.
Torkington and Allain too
Now have met their Waterloo.
Holy Smoke and Coppen fled,
Hitchens just a figurehead.

Hark! The Herald's writers sing,
"William Cash, where is thy sting?"

Mary, did you know?

Mary, did you know that your baby boy
Would one day walk on water?
Mary, did you know that your baby boy
Would save our sons and daughters?
Did you know that your baby boy
Has come to make you new?

Yes, she did. Now stop singing that rubbish song.

Vatican explains its Christmas Nativity Scene

December 11th 2021.

After the 2020 fiasco, in which their Christmas Nativity Scene featured Fisher-Price toys, a spaceman, and a statue of Moloch, the Vatican has produced what Pope Francis has described as a "traditional crèche" for its 2021 offering.

Nobody could be offended by this one!

Said a spokesman, "Our sculptor has been influenced by 1970s British television in his design. Although there are also influences from ancient Peladon."

He went on to explain that the young lady on the left was clearly the Virgin Mary, and actually a resembled a human being rather than the 2020 rag doll. The older man on the right was Joseph, and also designed to resemble a real human being.

The one-eyed egg was not of course supposed to be Our Lord (who is missing entirely to avoid offending non-Christians), but was almost certainly an angel. The two warriors were in fact shepherds, as it was a well-known fact that first century shepherds always wore armour to protect their sheep against wolves (cf. Gospel according to St James Martin).

Moloch, included in the 2020 nativity scene as an ecumenical gesture.

Reactions from the public have been largely favourable. Dr Taylor Marshall, in his show, described the scene as "very moving", and Austen Ivereigh added "I see the one-eyed hexapod as an embodiment of Pachamama, whom we all adore. See my new book Pope Francis talks in his sleep, consisting of magisterial eavesdroppings on the papal slumbers."

By the way, Dr Marshall, if you ever read this, "Eccles" rhymes with "freckles". Stay saved.

Eccles on the norty step

Unfortunately, Rasputin and his Twitter servants didn't recognise a quotation from the song Star Trekkin'.

Click to enlarge.

The World will hear from me again! (And that's a quotation from Fu Manchu.)

How to translate the Mass

The story so far: at the time of Vatican II, it was decided to rush out translations of the Mass into the vernacular. Not the true vernacular, as phrases such as "Cor, strike a light, guv", "Eee ba gum", and "Och aye the noo" were used very sparingly; but a sort of casual and imprecise vernacular, all the same.

Now, when I say translation, I really mean "variation on an original theme". The people translating the Mass didn't even have the benefit of Google translate, so they had to guess what the Latin words meant. Actually Google itself seems to have been got at, as it turns the Latin Gloria into:

Glory to God in the highest
and on earth peace, goodwill toward men.
We praise you,
thank you,
we adore you,
we glorify you,
Thank you for your glory;
Lord God, heavenly King
Father Almighty.

Which looks distinctly wonky.

"Do any of you speak Vernacular?"

Anyway, for about 40 years, people muddled on with a B-grade translation, not quite sure whether the peace on Earth was intended for everyone, or just people of goodwill, or those whom God loves. There is also this problem about whether the Precious Blood is shed for many, for all, or just me and my mates.

So, in 2011, an English translation was produced, and it caused hysterics among liberal Catholics. For example, the precise theological concept "consubstantial" had previously been vernacularised into "of one being", or "being of one oneness", or possibly "one of one beingness", or maybe "being of one beingness". Whatever it was, it was a waffly as possible. The new translation made worshippers use a 4-syllable word which required thinking about... my dear, it was awful!

"I've added some cartoons to make it more popular."

The French and Italians wanted to go their own way. "Lead us not into temptation" appears to be what Jesus said. But we can improve on that. "Zut alors, ne nous laisse pas entrer en tentation parce-que la plume de ma tante est dans le jardin" seems to be the version currently used by the frogs, although I may not have got that quite right. The Italian version is full of Mama Mias and references to tutti-frutti ice-cream but they also don't want to be allowed to enter into temptation.

Anyway, the good news is that Pope Francis is going to take a lead on this. The Lord's Prayer, in particular, needs updating. Apart from local variations it has remained unchanged for 2000 years, and omits to mention climate change, equality and diversity, and vaccinations. A theological commitee - consisting of the Pope, Bill Gates, George Soros, Klaus Schwab, Joe Biden, Alyssa Milano, and Ocasio-Cortez - will be rushing out a new Lord's Prayer (not tested on humans, but many hamsters have reacted favourably to it). This will become compulsory in 2021.

Experts prepare a new version of the Latin Mass.

The Book of Covidicus, Chapter 10: tiers, idle tiers

Continued from Chapter 9

1. After one month, Bo-sis released the children of Bri-tain from their lockdown.

2. But the plague continued to rage. In the lands where many people dwelt, there was sickness, while in the remote deserts the hermits rejoiced in their good health.

3. Worse than this, in the hospitals there were many sick people, while in the taverns there were very few.

4. Thus the advisers of Bo-sis said unto him, "The solution is plain. Empty the great cities, and drive the people into the wilderness. Close the hospitals, and send the people into the taverns."

5. However, Bo-sis decided on a different plan, and once more he told the people: "I have nothing to offer ye except blood, sweat and tiers."

"Good news, we're in Tier 1."

6. Thus the land was divided into three tiers, not counting the Scottites, who built a great wall and hid behind it, shouting insults at the Englandites.

7. In the lands of Tier 1, the people might go to the taverns and carouse freely. The only problem was that there were no taverns in the wilderness.

8. In the lands of Tier 2, the people might carouse, but only if they ate a Scotch egg with their drink.

9. Finally, in the lands of Tier 3, the people must not carouse. Indeed, they were told not to enjoy themselves at all.

A carouser awaiteth his Scotch egg.

10. Bo-sis also allowed the temples to re-open, saying "In Tier 1 they may embrace their neighbours at the Sign of Peace: for they have no neighbours."

11. "In Tier 2, they may smile at their neighbours from a distance of four cubits: but in Tier 3 they must scowl."

12. But as the people groaned under their yoke, there came good news. For all the world could now be vaxxed.

13. For Bo-sis had arranged a jab creation scheme, whereby every man should receive a magic vixen.

14. This vixen was guaranteed to drive away the plague, and it had been fully tested: for most people who had received it had already lived for a further forty days and forty nights and hardly any of them had gone mad.

15. Therefore Bo-sis decided to roll out this vixen, starting with the people aged nine hundred years or more; for if they died, none could blame him.

16. So Methuselah leapt from his bed, and made his way to be vaxxed.

Methuselah rejoiceth.

Continued in Chapter 11.

Pope decides to Build Back Better

We thought at first it was simply a tweet from whoever manages Pope Francis's Twitter account (believed to be a teenager on work experience, judging by the quality of the tweets), but no, it appeared on the Vatican's own site.

The theme of this year's celebration is “Building Back Better: Toward a Disability-inclusive, Accessible and Sustainable post-COVID-19 World”. I find the expression “building back better” quite striking. It makes me think of the Gospel parable of the house built on rock or sand (cf. Mt 7:24-27; Lk 6:46-49). So I take this special occasion to share some reflections based on that parable.

Unfortunately, to everyone else in the world "Build Back Better" means something else. It is associated with the United Nations, the World Economic Forum, and even Joe Biden's election compaign.

Ernst Stavro Blofeld Klaus Schwab - tipped to become a cardinal any time soon.

Yes, all the most powerful creatures in the world - Bill Gates, George Soros, Klaus Schwab, even Joe Biden's dog - all agree that we must Build Back Better.

Of course, this is not the first time that Pope Francis has appropriated a political slogan for his own purposes. Previous Vatican "themes" have been "Yes, we can!" and "Feel the Berg!" not to mention "Francis has a plan for that!" and "Best Pope Money Can't Buy" (this last one is no longer used, following negotiations with China).

Top Catholic Joe Biden refutes claims that he hasn't got a leg to stand on.

So what is in store for the Catholic Church when it participates in the Great Reset? God's Own Great Reset is believed to involve a return to the book of Genesis - drop each person into a garden containing an apple tree and a malicious snake. Those who don't eat the apple go to Heaven, those who do go to Hell. But Pope Francis has other plans.

As Job 1:21 points out, Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away. Well, the Great Reset does not involve stealing everyone's clothes - although several prominent cardinals thought that this would be an interesting feature - but it doesn involve taking away everyone's money.

In the future society based on Brave New World / 1984 / Fahrenheit 451 / choose your own dystopia, but perhaps Austen Ivereigh's new book about the Pope will count, everyone will remain at home all day. No more public worship, nothing but staring at a telescreen all day long, no bars, no shopping, just daily deliveries of low-fat vegan climate-friendly chemically synthesised food. It's better! It's Better! It's BETTER!

How to Build Back Better.

Uncle Ted's Cabin - how it was all Viganò's fault

There was universal rejoicing in the Catholic Church this week when the long-awaited McCarrick report was finally published. The investigators were charged with finding the answer to one simple question: Why don't people like Uncle Ted McCarrick, despite his record of devotion to young seminarians and influence over a generation of bishops, archbishops, and even cardinals? Was it something he said?

"Good news! They say it was all Viganò's fault!"

We looked at the records of all the popes involved. John Paul II, who appointed Uncle Ted to Newark and then Washington? Well, he's a saint, and thus beyond criticism. When he received a letter from a priest saying "McCarrick touched me," he wrote back, saying "Yes, we are all touched by his saintliness."

Benedict XVI? Well, if we're going to blame a pope it has to be him, as (1) John Paul II is untouchable (see above), and (2) Francis has also been seeing trying on haloes at Gammarelli's in anticipation of his own future canonization. When Benedict received a letter accusing Ted of grooming, he banned him from molesting horses in future, but this didn't seem to solve the problem.

No, it is clear where the blame lies - fair and square in the court of Archbishop Carlo Maria Viganò, arch-enemy of Pope Francis, and even more so of Cardinals Cupich, Wuerl, Farrell, Tobin, old Uncle Wilt Gregory and all. You see, Uncle Ted never had a chance. If Viganò had only kept quiet, like Sodano, Bertone, Parolin, and 250 other bishops, then there would never have been a scandal. Writing an 11-page letter full of salacious innendos about a saintly man who was by all accounts a model of hospitality? What good could that do?

Could this be the most evil man in the world?

It's true that in 2018 Pope Francis asked Uncle Ted to observe a life of prayer and penance in seclusion. This should not be seen as any criticism of the old man - when one is 88 years old and slightly religiously-inclined, then it is a good time to learn how to pray. Also, removing McCarrick's red hat was a pure misunderstanding. You see, one day Uncle Ted turned up at the Vatican and disappeared off to the bath-house with some friends, as was his custom. He was overheard encouraging them with cries of "It's time we unfrocked ourselves," and somehow this became interpreted as the cardinal's wish to be laicised. We think it was all the fault of that malicious man Viganò.

In summary this whole affair is the fault of Viganò and nobody else. Luckily, although McCarrick has now retired to "Dunpervin", a remote beach house, his influence lives on. Practically all the bishops in the United States have had their careers touched by him, and often a lot more. All that remains is to find a suitable punishment for Viganò. Did we mention that Viganò is to blame?

Two saints in one photo!

Did Bergoglio steal the election?

Supporters of Cardinal Scola are encouraging him to take legal action over the 2013 Conclave. This resulted in the election of Cardinal Bergoglio to the papacy, even though all the evidence was that Scola was far more popular.

"It says here that 150,000 cardinals voted for you and only 50 for Scola."

The legal case is based on various claims of cheating:

• Apparently, votes were received in the names of several dead cardinals, including Martini, Bugnini, Duèse (Pope John XII), and Judas (Iscariot).
• Allegedly, there was a surprise delivery of 100,000 votes, all in the name of Jorge Bergoglio and, very suspiciously, marked "Printed in China".
• Several cardinals claimed that they were prevented from voting, having been told by the St Gallen Mafia representatives that "The polls are closed", or "You are not wearing the correct-coloured socks" and even "Only votes for Bergoglio are permitted."
• Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor was seen talking to several cardinals with weak eyesight and offering to help them fill in their ballot papers.

After seven years of Pope Francis's reign, it may be too late to reverse the result of the election, which would result in the (very popular) pulping of Amoris Laetitia and Fratelli Tutti, the sacking of Pachamama as deputy God, and the dismissal of dodgy cardinals such as Cupich and Uncle Wilt Gregory. Also, where would this leave vice-pope Calamity Tagle?

Uncle Wilt was expecting to get the vote of the Emperor Nero in the next conclave.

As usual, Pope Francis has refused to comment, and he was last seen hiding in his basement, apparently praying at the tomb of St Peter and asking for his vote.

The Book of Covidicus, Chapter 9: the closing of the temples

Continued from Chapter 8.

1. It came to pass that the children of Bri-tain fell sick once more.

2. Indeed, the models of Neil, son of Fergus, had told him that every man, woman, child, cat, dog, and parrot would die in agony, some of them more than once, unless Bo-sis and his servant Matthew, of the tribe of Hanoch, locked them up and threw away the key.

The mystic runes of Neil foretell doom (maybe).

3. Then Bo-sis went up a high mountain and began to preach.

4. Blessed are the pure in hands: for they shall fear no plague.

5. Blessed are those who cover their faces: for they may buy food.

6. Blessed are those who give space to their neighbours: for all men shall know of their virtue.

7. Blessed are those who pray in secret, and do not worship in the temples of the Lord: for they shall not be hit on the head by my soldiers.

Bo-sis speaketh to the multitudes.

8. But the people cried out with a loud voice, saying "Why doth Bo-sis forbid us to worship in the temples of the Lord? Can he give us one reason why the plague killeth the just man, but not the sinful man in the House of the Common People?"

9. Lo, and even the High Priests spake out, led by him who was called Vincent Nicodemus, High Priest of the Minster of the West. Likewise, many members of the House of the Common People also asked Bo-sis to explain.

10. And Boris cried "Ha ha!" amoung the strumpets.

11. But he did not answer their questions.

Bo-sis speaketh comfortable words to the people.

12. And there were amongst the children of Bri-tain some very woeful people who wished to go to the far-off land of Dig-ni-tas, that is to say, the valley of the shadow of Death.

13. So Bo-sis blessed them saying, "Ye may go forth and die, but ye may not walk in the streets. For if ye do, ye shall surely die. Er, that is to say, er, cripes!"

14. Finally, Bo-sis told the people, "Many of ye may not work, but fear not, we shall pay you to idle, using the mighty treasures of Fur-lough, the magic tree of money."

15. So those who could not work rejoiced, saying "We must live in misery and poverty, but at least it is permanent."

Continued in Chapter 10.

Battle of Armageddon expected to be close

Tuesday's battle in the United States of Armageddia is expected to be a close-run thing. St John's predictions in the book of Revelation will no doubt be broadly accurate, although he got some of his information from the National Catholic Reporter, America, and the Tablet, so it cannot all be relied upon.

The Apocalypse (or possibly a Black Lives Matter demonstration).

In particular, the Last Trump - the 7th trumpet of Revelation 11:15 - is not to be interpreted literally as a musical instrument, more as a large orange man with a powerful voice. He is backed by St Michael of the Pence (Rev. 12:7).

St Michael discusses politics with "Cardinal" Wilton Gregory.

Pitted against the Trump are the false gods Bi-elzebub and Ka-moloch, slayer of babies. These are backed by a great red dragon (Rev. 12:3), which in some translations is called Pachamama. I am not sure who this refers to, but if you see any friends of Pachamama attacking the Trump, then do let us know.

Ka-moloch, by @eoros1012.

The Trump has vowed to Make Heaven Great Again - a bit over the top here, as many people would say it is great already - while Bi-elzebub's teachings are confused (the last message we heard was "Trunalimunumaprzure", a mantra which, if repeated enough times, is said to reduce one's enemies to gibbering wrecks).

Anyway, the ground's in tip-top condition, and we can look forward to a first-rate Apocalypse tomorrow.

Learning to Prey - a guide for everyone

Already they're calling the Book of the Century - Fr James "Jimbo" Martin LGBTQSJ has another blockbuster in press. You can tell the quality of it by the celebrity endorsements on the cover:

Blase Cupich, world's worst cardinal, and avoider of rabbit holes that may contain awkward rabbits: This should be the ideal handbook for anyone wishing to influence vulnerable people. They may have been brought up as Catholics, but their gut feeling is for the "Seamless Trousers" approach to the faith: you can't be pro-life unless you support the venerable Joseph Biden and the blessed Kamala Harris. We need to encourage this version of Catholicism.

Mr Muscle joins in.

Robert Barron, body-builder, part-time bishop, "Word on Fire" managing director, and friend of Uncle Wilt Gregory: The book takes a very sensitive approach to the formation of LGBT Catholics. Many teenagers wonder whether they are really heterosexual: indeed, seeing photos of Alexandra Occasional-Cortex flashing her teeth can put young boys off women for life. Fr Jim knows that these boys should be encouraged to "come out" as Jesuits. But "preying" isn't the right word, I prefer "encouraging young people to recognise their tendency to do whatever they want, and accept it as something to celebrate."

But no endorsement from Joe Tobin? What went wrong?

We have not yet read the book, but we do hope that Fr James will explain how to persuade people to accept reinterpretations of scripture. It's scandalous that vulnerable Catholics should rely on old-fashioned readings of the Bible as handed down by the Church for 2000 years. What they need is a nice friendly uncle to sit down with them and explain that the Bible means something entirely different in the 21st Century. I'm hoping to get some tips on this - when I knock on doors offering to tell people about how Jesus learned his job from a Canaanite woman and entrusted the Church to Mary Magdalene, they just throw rotten fruit at me.

Would it help if I dressed up as a sexy priest?

Eight bad churches... and two very bad cardinals

We're reached the quarter-finals of the World Cup of Ugly Churches - where "ugly" can be interpreted loosely as "I wish I hadn't seen this picture." Here is the draw for the knockout stages, and this post will be updated to record how things go (we start the Twitter vote on Monday).

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1. Newman Hall, Holy Spirit, Berkeley (USA) v Maria, Koenigin des Friedens, Velbert-Neviges (Germany)

Torture chamber meets demolition site.

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2. Kappal Matha Church, Tirunelveli (India) v Parroquia Santa Monica, Rivas-Vaciamadrid (Spain)

Aeroplane meets gun battery.

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3. St Francis de Sales, Norton Shores, Michigan (USA) v Rosa Aufblasbare Kirche, Vreden (GER)

Sauron's castle meets bouncy castle.

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4. Eglise Sainte Bernadette du Banlay (France) v Our Lady of the Rosary of the Philippines, Madrid (Spain)

Hippopotamus meets carpark.

QUARTER-FINAL RESULTS

Newman Hall, Holy Spirit, Berkeley 54.2 - Maria, Koenigin des Friedens, Velbert-Neviges 45.8

Kappal Matha Church, Tirunelveli 44.3 - Parroquia Santa Monica, Rivas-Vaciamadrid 55.7

St Francis de Sales, Norton Shores, Michigan 63.8 - Rosa Aufblasbare Kirche, Vreden 36.2

Eglise Sainte Bernadette du Banlay 78.9 - Our Lady of the Rosary of the Philippines, Madrid 21.1

SEMI-FINAL RESULTS

Newman Hall, Holy Spirit, Berkeley 35.4 - St Francis de Sales, Norton Shores, Michigan 64.6

Parroquia Santa Monica, Rivas-Vaciamadrid 27.5 - Eglise Sainte Bernadette du Banlay 72.5

THIRD PLACE PLAYOFF

Newman Hall, Holy Spirit, Berkeley 70.7 - Parroquia Santa Monica, Rivas-Vaciamadrid 29.3

FINAL

St Francis de Sales, Norton Shores, Michigan 50.8 - Eglise Sainte Bernadette du Banlay 49.2

---

Meanwhile, here are some other things to think about: Cardinal Marx (officially the world's 2nd worst cardinal), rejects a beautiful altar in favour of a piece of junk.

Your Eminence, we did advise you not to sit on it.

And someone who will surely be a strong contender in the 2021 World Cup of Bad Cardinals, Uncle Wilt, or Wilton Gregory, who seems to have been given a red hat because he hates Donald Trump even more than Pope Francis does.

Uncle Ted and his protegé.

Anyone seen that McCarrick report yet?

How to scandalize the Catholic Church

Yes, it's another in our long-running series on "How to be a good pope," designed for those lucky readers who may one day have to decide whether to trade as Pius XIII, Benedict XVII, Francis II, or George-Ringo I.

Well, I say lucky. Some people are naturally suited to the position of pope, being holy, meek, pure in spirit, merciful, and an expert at dealing with cardinals who are dodgy financiers or drug-takers. Others, like yourself, got into the job by accident, when your flustered careers adviser ticked the box marked "PAPA" by mistake for "PORTERO" on the sheet of recommended jobs for you. You could have had a great life as a caretaker/janitor, sitting in the entrance to an office-block, smoking, reading the paper, and slapping intruders, but it was not to be. You ended up as Pope, and you only rarely get the chance to slap anyone.

"I love you very much." Well, everyone except Burke, Schneider, Sarah, Viganò... and Donald Trump.

Anyway, you're stuck with the job, and you have certain beliefs that can't really be described as "Catholic": Marxism is great, give communion to anyone who wants it, being divorced and remarried is just fine, abortion is nothing to be bothered about, everyone will go to Heaven (or more likely nobody will as you don't believe in it), this Pachamama cult sounds like fun, ...

So what do you do? You speak out. Not ex cathedra, since if you tried that be sure that your throne would act as a divine ejector-seat and you would disappear, never to be seen again. No, you can give interviews to 108-year-old journalists known for making things up from memory, you can fraternize with Marxists and abortionists - after all Jesus also met sinners, and perhaps He too used to slap them on the back and say "You're doing a grand job, carry on!" You can write encyclicals and apostolic exhortations, and people will just nod wisely and say "It's OK, it's just the Pope's personal opinion" and tap their heads significantly. It's rather disappointing really, you were hoping to hit the headlines worldwide.

But one day you get to release a video on which you're talking about homosexual relationships and all Hell breaks loose (if you'll pardon the expression).

At last! The publicity you've always wanted!

What's the problem with civil unions for homosexual couples, you wonder. One of your favourite Catholics, Joe Biden (who, like you, doesn't believe much of that Christianity stuff) actually "married" two men at his home in Delaware. Joe is a Good Catholic, but for you his main attraction is that he hates Donald Trump nearly as much as you do.

I forgot to mention that en route to becoming Pope you became a Jesuit: so you know the funny handshakes, and you were trained in the ancient Jesuit art of Mumbo Jumbo - saying things that can be intepreted in more than one way. Your friend and mentor Fr James Martin LGBTSJ gave you the Martin translation of the Bible. In it you found the following text, where all was made clear:

1. So Lot said, "O Lord, what can I do to stop you destroying the Cities of the Plain?"

2. And the Lord God answered, "Tell them to introduce a programme of civil partnerships in order to regularize their relationships."

3. And it was so.

The text goes on to say how Sodom and Gomorrah became known worldwide as a centre where gay couples could meet and practise Ignatian yoga.

Modelled on one of the gay bath-houses in the Cities of the Plain.

How did you get into this situation? Well, curiously, it was all Parolin's fault. He came to you, saying, "You know that dodgy deal we've got with China, where they are allowed to appoint their own bishops and torture all the Catholics? Well, we're about to renew it. How can we bury the news?"

"Hold my Boese Lager, Pietro, I think I know how to grab a few headlines..."

The rest is history. The Pope changes Catholic teaching. Jesus, the apostles, doctors of the Church, and 265 previous popes got it all wrong. "Can priests get into civil unions now? Asking for a friend, you understand," says Fr Jim.

Oh dear, don't you wish you were a simple janitor?

And now Alexander Tschugguel demands clarity - the one thing you must never ask of a Jesuit!