The Screwball Letters

A letter from a senior demon to a junior one.

With apologies to C.S. Lewis, who else?

Dear Slugknees,

I really must congratulate you on the success you are having with the man in your charge. Allotting you the New York cardinal as a client has given you a relatively easy task, of course - you cannot expect him to write pornography, to embezzle money, to hold cocaine-fuelled orgies, or to obsessively persecute those who worship the Enemy in traditional ways, as some of the other cardinals do, but there are still plenty of other opportunities for him to come into our power.

Your client falls into bad company.

As you know, I am a recognised authority on leading people away from the Enemy - I have led my own client, a Jesuit who lives in the same city as your man, into an obsession with "LGBT rights" - as he calls them - and he has gone so far away from the Enemy's teachings that he even refers to men in wigs and dresses as "she/her"! So you will be delighted to receive this praise from your dear Uncle Spiderspleen!

Anyway, I see from the Fallen Angel Herald that your man's cathedral was recently desecrated by the funeral of a "trans" person, which was riddled with sacrilege from start to finish. Rather than apologise and make a public act of contrition, he is blustering and excusing himself. When we can persuade sinners to brush aside their sins like that, our battle for their souls is nearly won!

My own man was invited to St Patrick's, but he was busy elsewhere.

I particularly liked the way your protégé said "People are sick of hearing about it, aren't they?" when questioned - we always encourage people to bypass the "Forgive us our sins" part of that grossly offensive "Enemy's Prayer" and simply forgive their own trespasses!

Also his "We didn't know the background, we don't do FBI checks on people who want to be buried" was stunning. I didn't realise that there were people who came to him saying "I want to be buried", but then I have never fully understood the human race. It is probably no more eccentric than saying "I want to change sex", I guess. (I'm sorry, they call it "gender" these days, don't they? Another of our successes!)

"I am the Lord of the Dance," said he.

As you have no doubt realised, our man has an obsessive need to be popular. He may once have had principles of his own, but you are keeping them suppressed by making him scared of offending any politicians, LGBT activists, etc. in case he is no longer invited to their dinners.

I really liked the way he defended himself when asked to discipline Governor Cuomo, who like that other "devout Catholic" Biden is one of our greatest triumphs in the campaign to lure Catholics into promoting abortion. Remember what he said?

"I say to the people, 'What are you all looking at Daddy here for?... I don't have much clout, some fat, Irish, balding bishop, talking about defending the Church?... people are going to say 'Ho Hum!'"

Perfect, my dear Slugknees! I don't suppose you can help him to become Pope when our present chap finally goes to his reward? If we can't give the job to Tucho, then maybe your man would be an acceptable alternative. We do need our men in positions of power!

Yours infernally,

Uncle Spiderspleen.

The Frozen

Yes, it's a new American Christian historical drama television series! You thought you knew the New Testament Bible story, but the producers have now filled in some missing details previously omitted by Matthew, Mark, Luke and John.

The Blessed Virgin Mary (or possibly Nicodemus).

A few liberties have been taken with the script:

* All the action has been moved to Antarctica.

* All character wear beards (including the ladies), so are impossible to tell apart.

* Exciting back-stories have been provided: Peter is a drug addict and gambler; James and John are bank robbers; top Evangelist Matthew suffers from learning difficulties, and can neither read nor write.

* Jesus needs help writing His sermon on the mount.

* The five thousand are fed on McDonald's' Jumbo Offalburgers (thanks to an arrangement with the sponsors).

The Sermon on the Mount.

Say the producers: "We Protestants are often accused of Sola Scriptura (if it ain't in the Bible it didn't happen). We have turned this round to Extra Scriptura (if it's in the Bible we can't use it)."

The whole Gospel message is packed into 948 handy 3-hour films, and tell such thrilling stories as the trouble John the Reformed Baptist has with the Eskimo Soldiers (what do you mean, they're at the North Pole?), the episode of the Gadarene seals charging over the cliff, Jonah and the Whale (oh, was he Old Testament? Well, keep him in anyway, the viewers won't know that), and of course the Transfiguration at the South Pole.

Eccles verdict: not to be missed!

A shepherd watching over his flocks by night.

Eight bad Catholic writers

It's quarter-final stage in the World Cup of Bad Catholic Writers. In the previous such competition, in 2019, the dreadful eight were Faggioli, Ivereigh, Lamb, Martin, Rosica, Shea, Spadaro and Winters.

Where are they now? Well, Lamb, Rosica and Spadaro have fallen by the wayside (you must try harder, lads!), but the chamber of horrors has three promising replacements: Fernández, Lewis and Rohr.

So farewell then, Lamb Chop!

And goodbye, Spidero!

Shea - who tells me he is a humble man - is really enjoying this world cup, and voted for himself. But will he be able to go further? The draw is a real killer:

Víctor Manuel Fernández v Mark Shea.

Richard Rohr v Massimo Faggioli.

James Martin v Michael Sean Winters.

Mike Lewis v Austen Ivereigh.

The last match is particularly juicy as I have in stock some new photos of the contestants.

Mike, from the "Where Potato Is" blog.

Austen's a lumberjack and he's OK.

The quarter-finals begin on Monday 12th February.

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RESULTS AS THEY COME IN.

Víctor Manuel Fernández 82.8 v Mark Shea 17.2.

Tucho makes it into the semi-finals. Not surprisingly, cheesy @chezami can't compete with the Pope's favourite pornographer.

Richard Rohr 20.0 v Massimo Faggioli 80.0.

The Babble-on Bean makes his second semi-final. I don't think Rohr has been trying recently.

James Martin 85.1 v Michael Sean Winters 14.9.

Well, it had to be Jimbo, the man they naturally thought of as someone to invite to St Patrick's for the sacrilegious funeral of a "trans woman". MSW can feel no shame at losing to such a character.

Mike Lewis 32.2 v Austen Ivereigh 67.8.

Two very similar characters - rude and stupid. In the end, experience won over youthful ambition. Mike would get the "most promising newcomer" award, except that Tucho has gone further...

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SEMI-FINALS

Víctor Manuel Fernández 64.1 v James Martin 35.9.

Jimbo has been spending much time recently blessing sins, but this was not enough to get him past the porn king.

Massimo Faggioli 19.9 v Austen Ivereigh 80.1.

An easy win for the little man. Beans has been very quiet recently, while Austen is frightening us with the prospect of yet another book about Pope Francis.

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THIRD PLACE PLAYOFF

James Martin 73.4 v Massimo Faggioli 26.6

As expected, Massimo Faggioli, who occasionally has his lucid moments, could not compete with the Jesuit from Hell. Bronze medal for Jim.

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FINAL

Víctor Manuel Fernández 72 v Austen Ivereigh 28

In the end, in this battle between Pope Francis's best friends, it was an easy win for Tucho, and Austen has to settle for the prestigious silver medal.